kansas, my eight year old, asked me today - "mom, who are the starbucks?"

heh. would've made a great band name...

have you ever been out in public, like a concert or a store, or a kite flying show, and the feeling crept up on you that someone was standing a little too close? you looked around, and sure enough, someone had mistakenly backed a little too far into your comfort zone. you either stepped away, or they noticed and moved themselves...keeping that space free and clear of that feeling of a small violation. that's what lonliness feels like to me - a large, lurking presence, standing too close, taking up some of my air space, sometimes even making it a little hard to breathe. sometimes i can make it dissipate, but usually i just have to let the thing tag along, uncomfortable in it's clutches, but it is not polite and respectful of my personal space, and i don't know how to back away. I am a person that likes my solitude pretty often, but this is different...I don't choose when it comes or how long it stays.

c is gone for a few or more days to try to sort himself out. my kids, God bless 'em, are doing a good job of keeping me sane and in the day. it's just that other presence...i can't quite befriend.

are chain smokers
more likely to survive a house fire
more used to smoke inhalation
than those who don't and are
clubgoers
more likely to survive an earthquake
more used to gyrating moving shaking
than those who don't and are
roller coaster addicts
more likely to survive loving someone
more used to highs and lows
wrenching stomachs soaring hearts
than those who won't?

happy birthday to me! and in honor of the big event, i've gone and preordered over the rhine's new double album. can't wait to hear it, but i've got to, for a few more weeks...

top 5 requested car tunes from the barker kids this summer :
1-yellow submarine, beatles
2-good day sunshine, beatles
3-SOS, pegtop
4-pop goes the weasel, ella jenkins and some 3 and 4 year olds from the Lake Meadows Nursery School
and
5-never felt this way before, billions

(i just love watching jesse belt out the chorus to that last one...he's right there...)

sortof sad tired to the bone three THREE trips to town today the y a doctors appointment and work now i smell like espresso grounds i really don't mind lightning outside drove through driving rain tonight hollowed out gut fatigued why though the sadness? i really do not know no end to this busyness this summer but it will come, it will break into a low leisurely autumn, yes? one can hope in the glaring heat, the troubled sky nights (not that i don't dearly appreciate a good rousing thunderstorm, but this one this week's in pieces - last night all we had was hard wind and a bit of flash, tonight it's the rain - tomorrow the dark clouds, perhaps? unsettling...) so here i go, heading for my thirty first year i had no idea i'd still be aware at thirty one so aware of the child within - i'm beginning to believe she'll always be there.

sometimes i can walk into barnes and noble and just browse...find a reference book on clearance to leaf through, gaze through the oversized art books, grin around the humor section, read a newspaper, listen to the samplings of the latest cd's from the worlds of jazz, folk, whatever...

...and then there are times i am unexpectedly drawn to shop in there - like to walk out empty handed would be a loss of some sort. i need a magazine, some new stationary, a birthday gift, of course a card to go with the gift...i need coffee from the starbucks located INSIDE my b+n, and then i head to the childrens section where i am sucked in completely by all the cute, fun, educational merchandise that my kids need for rationales that only seem silly now that i'm home, away from the unexplained lure.

i've always been a bookstore junkie, and in my current town, it's the only thing besides walmart open past 9 or 10. what's a girl to do? i chalk it up to the idea that there are much worse addictions, i'm not so bad off...

it was hot so hot outside so
i got the largest iced tea but
when me + my new york times sat
down for some company it happened to be
directly under the maroon painted vent blowing cold air
onto the only available wing backed chair
and so i froze goosebump chilly, too
chilly indeed to enjoy
that extra large
iced tea

first it was the flood in our basement, now we have the unwelcome (and expensive) problem of...termites. i'm beginning to feel either like pharoah or job.

5 days away...from the sunflower state to the sunshine state.
saw the sun set from the plane
swam in the salty aqua blue ocean
collected tan white spiney shells
watched my children squeal as they ran from incoming wave after wave
somehow didn't get sunburned

ate grilled jamaican jerk chicken
sweet potato pancakes
passion fruit chiffon cheesecake
warm brie
out of this world eclairs

posed with mickey
gawked at the magic kingdom castle
paid way too much for water and popsicles
while walking in the heat of a florida afternoon to ride
after attraction
after show
after parade
snapping pictures and delighting
in watching my kids have an absolute blast

flew home
went to bed early
still have to finish that unpleasant task
of unpacking

"The really wonderful moments of joy in this world are not the moments of self-satisfaction, but self-forgetfulness. Standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon and contemplating your own greatness is pathological. At such moments we are made for a magnificent joy that comes from outside ourselves. And each of these rare and precious moments in life (beside the Canyon, before the Alps, and under the stars) is an echo of a far greater excellence, namely, the glory of God...The more the Hubble Telescope sends back to us about the unfathomable depths of space, the more we should stand in awe of God. The disproportion between us and the universe is a parable about the disproportion between us and God. And it is an understatement."

- John Piper, from his book 'Don't Waste Your Life'

i'm balancing out my hour and a half workout at the y this morning with a cherry vanilla coke float...it's all about keeping things in perspective, right?

kids ask questions nearly incessantly...it is quite subconcious, this need they have to find out about the world around them. they have a keen curiousity and an unashamed way of satiating it. when we grow up, do we not ask as many questions because of our fear of the answers, or worse, not getting any answers at all? sometimes we cannot even form words around the questions that tumble haphazardly around our hearts and minds like tennis shoes in a clothes dryer. sometimes we simply don't want to expand our understanding any further - we've gotten all the answers we want out of life, we hole up, we coast. may it be that i retain some sense of wonderment, of being suprised by something and wanting to know more, of knowing that i don't know it all... that i can still form opinions, that i still have a ways to go in this wide world before i come to the next one.

having some blogger/template difficulties...look for something a bit more eye appealing and reappearing comments soon!

this morning is clear and bright and i could run
run out the door and down the street
past the houses and the school and the post
office past the two slow donkeys in thier little green field past
one two three churches past this town onto blacktop highway solid
white line beside i could run far and fast and free past
all my fears and insecurity i could
run until my lungs burned and then lay down in some
farmer's meadow under the shade of a cottenwood tree
and
i
could
just
breathe.

from Augustine's "Confessions"..."What is is therefore that goes on within the soul, since it takes greater delight if things that it loves are found or restored to it than if it had always possessed them?...Everywhere a greater joy is preceded by a greater suffering."

reading Philip Yancey's "Where is God When it Hurts?, mulling over the idea of pain being a gift (think of leprosy patients), of suffering preceeding a joy that could not have been had any other way, thinking about "our light and momentary troubles achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all". the point of suffering, the purpose of pain, the strength and character gained through the things we hate to go through...if we choose that way over anger and bitterness, fear and mistrust.

yikes again!

i'm eating chocolate covered sunflower seeds...how the heck do they make these things?

i was lying in bed reading clara mondschein's melancholia when my two year old lucy tottered in, rosy cheeked, freshly awoken from her afternoon nap. she crawled in with me and after inspecting her freshly splinter-freed, elmo bandaged big toe turned to me and said "mom, i really love you a lot."

i almost don't want to blog this stuff, it's so wrenching...but i guess i just want to prepare you so far kidless folks who read these entries, or remind you parents of now fellow grown ups here just how easily one can be moved to tears with absolutely no notice by a mini person that did not even exist three short years ago, that takes up about the same amount of space as a half a stack of encyclopedias, that bears your name and sometimes even parts of your personality, your face. it's amazing...just amazing.

last night we realized that we are missing kansas' birth certificate...the notarized one, the one that's supposed to be in our - his parents' - safekeeping...needless to say, this was greatly disturbing to me...as well as inconvienient - we need it to send a copy with his application for a state online charter school this week. after searching through every place i could think of (besides the one place where i knew it was last) i checked out the federal government's website for information on replacing it, if it should come to that. here's a direct quote from there..."USAIS (United States of America Immigration Services) has made it simple to obtain your Vital Record Certificate from the comfort of your home. Using our Web based System you will be able to obtain your Birth, Death, or Marriage Certificate efficiently, saving you both time and money."

good to know, in case i ever lose my death certificate, that i will be able to obtain a copy of it from the comfort of my own home...