when i was a kid and had all kinds of time to indulge my library nerd desires, i went through a phase of reading through all of Jill Krementz's books in the series "a very young..." (skater, musician, circus flyer, etc..). i loved the oversized picture books, the real life documentary style accounts of kids who had special talents or were just born into artistic or performing families, and were allowed and even encouraged to persue their calling with abandon. i learned about what kind of time and focus it took to follow such a specialized discipline, i daydreamed about what it would be like to eat and breathe an art form, an athletic goal, a life very different than mine - waiting shufflefooted for the big yellow school bus under the towering pine tree day after day with the neighborhood lot.

last week i browsed our library's website to look for those books, to share them with my kids, to remember. turns out they are out of print, and out of stock. bummer! so i did the next best thing, i checked out the only two books by Jill our library does have in circulation, and the first one arrived today. (incedentally, i absolutely love the service our library provides of allowing you to check something out online, then mailing it to you for free - but whenever i employ this wonder, stacks of books end up arriving at my door at once, burdening our cheery mail carrier. i feel badly about this. maybe i'll start having one of my kids wait around by the curb with their wagon...) anyway, this book is titled 'How it Feels to Live With a Physical Disability'. it's a work that allows kids with physical limitations of a wide variety to tell their experiences, in their own words. it's eye opening, to say the least. one thing that struck me, really struck me while sharing this book with one of my kiddos today was something a girl who had lost her eyes to cancer at a young age had said. she was thirteen when this book went to print, and in talking about how she liked various subjects in school, she articulated, "Art doesn't have any meaning for me." i just...couldn't imagine.

well, my kudos to Ms. Krementz - for those glimpses in dreamy afternoons years ago, for thoughtful insights via the USPS and our fine city library this week. given such gifts, i don't mind still being a nerd...

after much recommendation from two unassociated friends, i finally brought the first of jan karon's mitford novels home from the library. nearing the end of it, i am so glad that i lugged home the next three in the series on top of it. after wrestling with some heavy reading on motherlessness and trying in vain to keep up with my beth moore study, i'm finding jan's stories just about as refreshing to the soul as it gets. and i'm guessing that the timing of my getting around to breathing mitford air wasn't entirely in my hands...

so today is our tenth anniversary, we've officially been married for a whole decade. that's a long time on one hand, and on the other it has flown. i look back and wonder how we got here so fast. i also look back and am very thankful that we've made it this far...we have been through a lot together. as i review the years and all that has happened in them, i am struck most by the fact that i experienced them not alone, not with another, but with c, the one and only. we have done a lot of our growing up together, we have glared over the great divide at each other more times than i care to remember, we had kiddos right away so have never known our family to consist of only the two of us...but in all this i see the hand of God, i have learned a lot, i see the next ten years getting better and brighter, and the ten after that more luminous still. it's hard to see that sort of light in the day to day, in the hard knocks and the rush and clatter but it is there. I, for one, am glad to have days marked on the calendar to stop and take notice, stock, and a deep breath of fresh perspective before diving in again.

btw, we have two down and scratchy with chicken pox, so we've cancelled the sitter and we'll be staying in tonight. life goes on...

so my jesse turned seven on monday, and tuesday he woke up covered head to toe in chicken pox. i woke up to hear his brother tell him "you have a TON of bug bites!"
i called the school to excuse the absence, and it turns out only seven out of the eighteen in his class showed up that day, everyone else home spotted and itching. it has now spread to the other two first grade classrooms, and the teachers are having an interesting week with only a handful of students, assignment packets piled high on the school secretary's desk for parents of polka dotted pupils to pick up (say that ten times fast). last night when we were going through the long calamine applying session, i joked that i would connect all his dots with a marker so we could see the picture. he just looked at me funny. hey, if they're going to keep me up at night, they've got to endure my lunacy.

one pox patient down, two to go. hopefully we'll be all through this by the holidays...

they say these things happen in threes. i have no idea why, but it's (often enough to make you wonder) curiously true. in the past two weeks, i've had three friends who have had to deal with sad baby news. a routine checkup turned instant hospital admittance for failure to thrive, this mom having had severe post partum depression to deal with which may have accounted for the slow start her precious girl has gotten off to. an ultrasound which produced quite a scare in another friend, and she waits after more tests to find out if her fears are confirmed, she asks for prayer, she hopes she will be up to this challenge that will surely break her heart. and the last, and rawest...a boy who grew and thrived safely through three trimesters only to be lost to his parents and sister during his entrance to the world...unimaginable tragedy. they are leaning on the everlasting arms, but they are devastated.

rich mullins sang "we are frail, we are fearfully and wonderfully made..."

we are most frail in our infancy, helpless, suspended by a thread yet that thread is held fast by the hand that brought us into being. it's just a little hard to see it, sometimes...

(conversation with almost seven year old jesse this morning over cereal...)

"do you want to take the bus or for me to drive you to school today?" (my grammer is nothing to write home about before say, eleven a.m.)

"take the bus, but i have two things to tell you about school."

"what are they?"

"well, the first thing... ...i forgot the first thing."

"ok, what was the second thing?"

"mom, they don't have to be in ORDER."

...

i don't get it. why, after the close of the first presidential debate, does the conversation immediately turn to possible voter shift - did people feel more safe with kerry, or with bush after hearing them debate for 90 minutes? who seemed more composed, relaxed, nonalarmist? who stood taller, smiled more (or less), followed the majority of the legion of rules concerning the debate itself? and how do all the answers to these questions affect voter opinion? were the undecided swayed one way or the other by relatively insignifigant etceteras and warm fuzzy feelings in response to one 90 minute show? what about the record? what about the facts over years and decades? what about the brass tacks - voting records, books authored, testimony from those who were there, who know well, who have stood by over time? are we so much a consumer minded culture that we can change an opinion on something so vital, so paramount as our choice for the next, in effect, world leader on the basis of one hour and a half of not so much new information, but just seeing the opponents sharing a stage for the first time? i believe that in the global landscape, there is no more important job held than our president's, and i find it hard to believe that the vote we cast, our small part in the democratic process that holds such far reaching implications could be decided on what amounts to little more than triviality. we knew where they stood on major issues before last night, and i doubt anything said in the next two debates is really going to bring out a new insight into either candidates proven character. undecideds, maybe instead of watching for a smirk, listening for a stumble over a word or perceiving an inflection, you ought to crack open a history book, chase the paper trail, check the track record - so that you can truly make an informed choice.

here,
here,
here,
here,
and here are a few places to get started...

"pictures painted hastily don't tell nothin' 'bout the heart" - victoria williams, who made some excellent music to listen to in the car.

i'm heading to nashville in a week with seven other mothers of preschoolers for the annual MOPS convention. i'm looking forward to time with these fine ladies, road trip fun, encouragement to pass on to our own MOPS group back home, and sending postcards to my kids..you have to understand, i haven't been anywhere by myself since before they were born. so chad will be running round the clock daddy day care for four days, and i have no idea what to expect the house to look like when i return. pray for us, as we're driving through the night on wednesday...

i've been struggling lately with some health issues, some financial issues, definitely some discouragement issues. i'm beginning to think that God is trying to get my attention, and i'm also starting to respond in a bit of wonder - He has something for me! something wise and wonderful, something helpful, something loving and right. he is my father, my protecter and provider, my rock and fortress. so today i'll try to remember to work on that trust issue, with a little patience thrown in for good measure. and soon i hope to report that he has filled me a good measure, and even overflowing - "pressed down, shaken together, and running over..." - and i see as i check my reference that those verses are all about giving. with the measure i use, it will be measured back to me. do unto others.

hmmm...

spent the morning with three four year old girls and their moms, the beginning of an impromptu tuesday morning preschool. my friend is a teacher by profession, stay at home mom by choice, and has lots of displaced energy as a result, thus - tuesdays with mommies. today we explored the kansas history museum where not only can you walk through displays of life sized buffalo, train engines, and roadside diners - you can also have a puppet show, dress up like laura ingalls, and play a real drum in a real tepee. they had a ball, and we had a good time watching their excitement and interaction. kids the same age have some striking similarities just because their birthdays are all around each others'; and also some stark differences because of the enviornments they live in, the way their parents relate, the stuff they watch (or don't watch) on t.v., and the God given bent in each of them. i see myself in my daughter, i feel protective of her vulnerability even as i allow her independence and teach her to deal with life as things happen to and around her. i'm feeling the pangs even now of her growing up - i can still hold her all i want to, but the day will come when it's a grown up hug instead of a preschooler squishy-tickle-squeeze on my lap, a twirl around and around on the grass in a park, a tucking into bed hearing her pray those precious and amazing little girl prayers. i'm glad, i'm blessed (not always in the day-to-day, but definitely in the pause-and-reflect), i'm in awe of this treasure and responsibility.

not bad for one tuesday morning...

ok

...this is the card that my almost seven year old made of his own volition for his sister on her fourth birthday, which was yesterday.

sometimes this overwhelming adventure is all worth it, and much more...

she found herself alone a lot; solitude grew on her as she passed through childhood like leaves on a tree in the springtime; grew thicker and fuller until by the time she turned twenty she only felt comfortable under the umbrella of it. she would venture out, but when out she was not herself, she wore her mask and lowered her voice; shook her hair around her face and quickened her pace. back in her little world she could relax, could pretend it was all she needed, that she had all she needed in herself. it was a mirrorless void where she played her melancholy music loud enough to drown out any possible argument, any seeming still small voice that might alert her to the gnawing she had detected deep down in her soul. she hung in the balance, she was breathless half the time. she could not know then how he would find her there, invade her careful circle with his brightness and love so pure it would break her heart in two; could never have known the way he would pick her up as she wept for the first time in many years, how he would put the pieces back together as he stroked her hair, kissed her brow..had she been given time to prepare he would have found only footprints in the snow fleeing out the open back door, but she would be eternally grateful for that holy suprise.

yesterday i turned 32. i'm taking it in stride, not too worried, still feeling plenty young. i sat in church in the morning, reflecting on how God created me, in His image, for a reason..that He knew and knows all about me, and loves me so much. we had swapped some babysitting, so in the afternoon/evening Chad and I went to get a coffee, chat with a friend, strolled through the rose and rock gardens in Gage park - the weather was absolutely perfect out ...goofy golfed, browsed barnes and noble, had a wonderful dinner at a nice hotel, and spent a little while at the library. my idea of a good birthday, for sure...

it's really POURING out there right now..i hope i don't lose power while i'm inspired to attempt blogging. it's rained so much this summer i can count the number of times i have watered the good sized garden out back on one hand. i love it, i feel the near nightly thunder in my bones, i hear the hammering on my roof and somwhow feel secure - i am in out of the weather. if not for the ceiling, i'd be soaked. sermon today on how we're the soon to be occupied city, the enemy king has come to the gate of our fortified wall to let us know we'll soon be overtaken and to offer us a ticket to keeping life and limb - sumbission to him. it's how it was done in old testament times, and it's a picture of how we can have life in Christ. God will judge, but it's not really what his heart is in. also, when life's getting you down, when you're upset, irrated, frustrated, and all out of sorts, go read up on revalation chapter 20..it tends to put all this in perspective again. you couldn't pay our intelligent, bighearted pastor to preach fire and brimstone..i suppose this is his version. i'm thankful to be in God's family, that's for sure. covered, safe, in out of the coming storm.

fourth of july, my oldest turning nine, sunflowers in bloom (i get such a kick out of planting a seed and watching the result grow to be taller than my 6' 3" husband ;)...summer is defintely in swing. i am working on inviting God into all areas of my life..handling my kids' sibling rivalry, being late for a meeting, the minutes after i've first awoken in the morning, second guessing if we should've traded in our snappy little focus wagon for a (albiet sensible for our growing family) new freestar van..it was an incredible deal, but it happened so fast and did bump up what we're spending for a vehicle monthly. All things, all happenings, all wonderings, all events, decisions, suprises, consequences laid when they arrive (or are noticed) at the feet of my Saviour with a request for help or wisdom or further instruction; thanksgiving, wonder, discouragement...an acknowledgement that Christ is my Lord; that all that comes to me is filtered through His knowledge and permission, that He is my help in times of trouble, my strength in weakness, my Father, my friend.

It escapes me more often than not - I am easily distracted and preoccupied. But I'm working on it...

kansas was baptized yesterday at lake shawnee with many friends around. a few other friends were baptized also, then we had a potluck and good conversations for quite awhile. our church is so homey, like a family, and the morning and afternoon times i spent with those fine people were so filling deep down where it matters. i'm thankful..for my son's faith and excitement to take it to this step...for how beautiful the lake was yesterday, how perfect the temperature of the breeze, for how incredibly cute all the toddlers were while playing in the mud they made at the beach while we laughed at them. Christ's body, living, working, resting together in harmony is so lovely.

the garden is growing, the tomatoes are babies, green little balls full of promise of glorious red spheres bursting with flavor, with summer itself in just a matter of weeks...the cukes are finally sprouting some raggedy edged leaves, telling me it's time to plant them in the ground to begin their viney, climbing labor which will produce solid green cool satisfaction soon also. i weed, i water, i wait..i thrill , i marvel at what time and weather can do to a giant sunflower seed - already they are half the height of me. i mulch, i mow, i dream...

the garden is growing, the tomatoes are babies, green little balls full of promise of glorious red spheres bursting with flavor, with summer itself in just a matter of weeks...the cukes are finally sprouting some raggedy edged leaves, telling me it's time to plant them in the ground to begin their viney, climbing labor which will produce solid green cool satisfaction soon also. i weed, i water, i wait..i thrill , i marvel at what time and weather can do to a giant sunflower seed - already they are half the height of me. i mulch, i mow, i dream...

went to a friend's farm today..kansas in the spring, grey cloudy day, bright green grass, tan wheat field against the chalky sky. helped chase the goats out of the pea patch, looked at a buffalo head hanging from a tree, drying...played with boxer puppies, horses, and one heartbreaking kitten. fading red paint barn, wildflowers here and there, old, old trees, stately and sheltering; breaking up the gently rolling prarie. driving back down the long dirt gravel roads we spied three quails and a rabbit..the air was intoxicating, hinting at rain, touching on humid. heaven in the heartland.

went to a wedding last saturday they read poetry classical music was played she was so different in satiny white than the birkenstocked overalled comfort sweater she was usually found wearing he was calm and confident he was right for her they asked us for help and surroundings of wisdom advice listening ears and room to grow they kissed long and often that day they danced dipping in happy tears they thanked us for sharing this day this once in a lifetime communion of their covenant they wore grace my daughter was starry eyed at the sight near perfect night