the sky has been slate grey all afternoon, with intermittent showers rapping on the western facing windows. it's in the upper 80's outside, but in here with the air conditioning cranked up, i'm almost getting the sensation that it's really fall. who knows, i may even drag my big blue rubbermaid tub full of autumn decorations out of the garage (no basements here) and have at it this weekend.
thanksgiving is right around the corner, and on its heels christmas, and the thought of spending them in florida again with the shining sun and gaping hole where friends and family should be is a suffocating feeling i'm currently holding at arms length. Lord, i pray, even if i weren't here, where is home on this earth for me? there are places to visit where there are traces of an old life here, a memory there, but no house, no stretch of road or land, no group of people even that constitutes a proper home to return to. i know this is in a lot of ways just an extreme version of what we all face - this realization as we've gone along for years that that our home that once offered safety, security, belonging, rest, and familiarity is gone, or at best, has changed irreversibly with the sale of a house, the aging of generations before us, some births, deaths, changed relationships. i remember sitting at a different dining room table than the one i'd grown up around a few years ago, before my dad sold the house i spent my first seventeen years in; looking at the eleven people interacting and thinking "once upon a time (and for many years) only three of us were here." life goes on, and with it goes the old. i am so thankful that i don't despair over this, that in the grace and mercy of God i am looking forward to the new, when once again I will sit around a table, one that is totally unfamiliar to me, and know that as our Saviour passes around the bread and wine, i have come home to a home where i am known. where i belong, where i am safe and sound, where there are no more tears, or pain, or troubled times. what can i say in the place i am in now, too hot for this time of year and dealing with our family feeling lonely? i take heart, i am grateful for hope.

the street last night

the beach today

I am writing this by the lowlight of the moon, pale yet voluminous, bathing my hands blue grey white
Scribbling on a stray index card fished from my ruby red purse while at a stoplight
Many times I have said to You on the road under that low full gazing ball planet
"How am I supposed to be a responsible driver at the hands of this glowing beauty I cannot avert my eyes from?"

I have stood at the edge of a smooth river, a tall green forest, a jagged cliff overlooking a bright cobalt ocean foaming on sheer rock faces
Shivering in my little soul at the tiny presence I had there, my humanness stark against the muted ethereal beauty of what you formed with your hands
On glazed white mountaintops, in cool sour caves under the dank earth, staring out mesmorized over waving flaxen prarie grass
Knowing in my softened heart the wonder of this communion I am blessed to have with the Artist at whose purpose these all came to be

I lay sleepless in the early morning hours, my lips silently moving in prayers for needy, lacking ones; for the parts of me I see in these
I try not to live in the wrong kind of fear, but I do fear - and in my trembling minisculeness I want your sweet comfort, Your strong arms, Your truthful words, Your anchor of peace
Like a river down in my soul. I am a deer seeking water, a child keenly aching for her mother, a moth nearing a bare porch bulb
Yours is the heart I lean into, away from the howling bitter winds of desolation; yours is the hand mine searches for in the dark

To you in your light of lights that is life in your
unseen glory in your
untouchable flame of holiness by the
unquestioning willingness of your only Son
I am irrevocably
inexorably, fixedly
drawn.

some of you who come here will remember my baby. all that black hair, that red face the first week or two..she looked native american! you might remember her dimpled baby cheek, her early and often heard laughter, her squealing babbly adoration of her older brothers. maybe you recall holding her while she was wearing one of her pink onsies (what a nice change for me to shop the baby girl department!). were you around when she learned to crawl? talk? toddle?
i took her to MOPS, i dropped her off three mornings a week at preschool, i got to homeschool her for her kindergarden year. last year she spent in a little charter school classroom, running to the van at carloop to tell me about her day. this year we are back to homeschooling, and i am so glad to have her around again. she is our light, our joy, our sugar, spice, and tomboy kid who does her level best to keep up with those brothers.
she is our lucy, and she turned 7 yesterday.



(of course, no matter how many birthdays she keeps on having, she will always, always be my baby.)

this is kind of fun...

had friends come down from kansas for a much anticipated visit last week..with ten kiddos and six adults we didn't plan anything, just hung out at the ocean and pool in cocoa beach - it truly felt like a vacation as afterwards i only had to recover from piled up laundry and that empty feeling you get when good friends go far away.
now we're tucking our heads down and walking into the winds of beginning another homeschooling year, an ear nose & throat specialist visit for Chad, orthotics for me, Awana for Lucy, van maintainance, et cetera. busi-ness. we're thankful and feel so blessed to have had a precious interlude.

it's the rainy season here, which means it's hot and sunny in the morning, and hot with a rumbling, flashing thunderstorm in the afternoon/evening most days. last night the rain started hammering in the early evening, and then cleared up just before dusk, giving us a fantastic double rainbow right over our house. i love to see rainbows..they are a quite tangible reality of a promise straight from God. we're going through some stresses we can't change right now, and having to constantly choose to either wallow in the weight of them or trust that underneath are the everlasting arms. needing all the encouragement we can get, it was a beautiful sight to behold.

7-7-07...many are considering this to be a special day, according to news reports. gamblers, brides & grooms, yoga masters, & christians have all planned events to surround this unusual date, hoping for a stroke of luck, an extra meaningful experience, a spark of some sort.
for us, this is genuinely a special day: our oldest turns twelve today. twelve! in some parts of the world, that is considered the day one leaves childhood behind and embraces full manhood. we aren't going there quite yet, but this is the first birthday one of my children has had that i didn't blow up a mass of balloons for, and that c put cash in their card. grown up indeed.

happy birthday kansas.

so i went to the local piddly library tonight to see what was what in the 'will this be a good resource for homeschooling' department. not suprisingly, i was disappointed. i think i've said before, i went from one grand library for the whole county, newly renovated and well stocked, to many, many little libraries spread out all over the county i now live in, none seeming to have what i want on any given day. still, there are nice suprises. since what i went for didn't exsist, i started browsing and ended up coming home with copies of...

-operating instructions by anne lamott, crass and out left, but quite possibly the funniest book i've ever read. also, she was my current age when she wrote it.

-confessions of an amateur believer by patty kirk..i don't know a thing about this one, found it in the new books

-two mitford novels, what can i say, i've found myself reading through these again.

-and 584 pages worth of beatrix potter : a life in nature, which i'll probably skim through and mostly look at all the pretty pictures of woodland creatures in people's clothing and old farms in the english countryside

-also, for the kids, a book containing the lyrics to all the school house rock songs, which they gleefully ran to their room with as soon as i got home to start up the cd and fully understand every word!

...not bad, for a subpar library system in general down here.

the fam, recently -

at the moment, lucy is playing pbskids on the (other) computer wearing headphones, as she was discouraged from bringing her casio keyboard to the party kansas and c are throwing on drums and bass, respectively. jesse is trying to beat his rubiks record, and i just got done fiddling with my five pound weights, browsing through an old friend's photos online, and emptying my camera as it has been sorely neglected this month...105 pictures downloading! peace and no tv in our house...ahhh. my only other ambitions today are to paint with lucy later when c takes the boys to the beach, and make eggs, potatoes, and sausage for supper. yum.

our only friends we really do things with since we moved here are seriously thinking about moving to california to help other friends of theirs with the small church they started. we sat through saturday night service with them last night, then went to jason's deli for a late supper and on to our house to make coffee (at 9:30!) and talk for a few hours. i can't remember when our kids have stayed up so late, but of course they didn't sleep in, as always.

no plans as of yet for the fourth, except to remember that on that day last year we pulled out of topeka, uhaul carrying all of our earthly belongings in tow. what a long, strange year it's been...

i've been itching to go swim laps at the local pool for some weeks now. today a friend called and said "do you want to meet us to swim?" and i said "of course!" not thinking..i love to swim, and so do my kids. it's summer, it's hot, of course! why not?

before i hung up the phone i managed to remember that one of my feet still sported a super unstylie surgical shoe..i can get my scars wet now, but i can't exactly let them all hang out in the sun and chlorine yet. i told my friend i could come, but i couldn't swim. "that's ok" she said.

my kids had a ball with her kids. we sat around by the pool, keeping an eye on them from diving board to super slide, talking shop. the lap lanes lay still at the far end, my foot lay still in its sock and velcro-ed cocoon.

recovery and waiting can be hard.

being a glass half empty (or even more so, say three quarters empty and what are we supposd to do when it all runs out???) kind of gal, i have to work at counting my blessings. here's a try...

*air conditioning (we're in florida in nearly july, you know)
*c's job
*being done with crutches for a good long while, Lord willing
*libraries
*those moments to rest in
*singing in church communally, feeling like i'm in a giant choir
*though few and far between, good friends who love us
*that jan karon gave up a lucrative career in advertising in order to write novels
*hershey's pure dark chocolate with cranberries, blueberries & almonds (this list is in no particular order)
*not seeing a hurricane for myself, yet
*high speed internet..i still vaguely remember dial up
*comfy pajamas
*hope, as in, let's hope i can become a more thankful person with practice. after all, with God ALL things are possible, yes?

too bright
too soon
after the rain
too hot
most days
blurring the grain
i'm awkward here
it doesn't fit me
no hills no shade no
black maple trees
it's sandy it's scrubby
it hurts my eyes
my aesthetic sense
these blazing skies
the rhythm is off
the seasons are wrong
my sweaters lie limp
they do not belong
in this suess like complaint
i'm just blowing off steam
i know it's right for this time in my life

...but a girl can still dream.

Over The Rhine Hallelujah

quite a worthwhile five minutes...

well i have not posted in quite awhile, here are some of my lame (and not so lame) excuses...
-dealing with that radical life change (relocation)
-getting a myspace page like all the other lovely swimmers and other friends
-going through two surgeries, 6 weeks apart, with long recoveries
-always thinking i ought to be writing, but rarely putting "pen to paper" to do so
-general apathy and feeling rather depressed half the time

okay, so these are all good reasons TO write something, anything..journal, whatever. ah, well.

life is still strange in this still new in a lot of ways place. having no support structure of sympathetic souls going into these surgeries/long recoveries sure has intensified the lonliness here. going to the grocery store with C and the kids tonight put things into perspective somewhat..I needed a change of scenery so badly - these four walls have a dulling effect.
in other news, we may have bought a house that hasn't been built yet. we signed a lot of papers and put down some $, but our realtor/lender/seller are still in talks over this thing..? so we'll see. i don't have my heart set on owning in this land of skinny brown palm trees, flat sandy terrain, alligators and lizards. i do, however, trust God to let us know what to do and when, open and close doors, and generally lead us around, not letting us dig ourselves too deep a hole before rescuing us.

our kids are now on summer break, and while their school experience was a mostly positive one, we have decided to return to homeschooling next year. so i am researching madly and already feeling overwhelmed at the thought of it, but something in me feels the decision is for the best, hell or highwater, for these three (and possibly me?) for the upcoming year.

otherwise, we sponsored a little boy through compassion int'l last month, became firm believers in the truth of how aspartame is absolutely harmful to your health (do a little research), enjoyed the sprawling beach and churning ocean from time to time, fought less as a married couple since the big move, watched our oldest kiddo graduate from sixth grade, eaten some really good seafood, and watched several space shuttle launches (the last one from right out our front door!).

nice to be back to my blog, where i can freely post pics of yours truly at the beach on a cloudy day, no makeup and bad hair...ahh.

i voted. and strange to think that in two years from today we'll be electing a new president.

on a totally seperate note, a few pics from lately...the barker kids squinting in the sun, throwing a football around on the beach, and i just got glasses for the first time ever..strange. i keep thinking i need to take them off when i go inside, as the only glasses i'm used to wearing are sunglasses. also, when i'm walking, it feels like i'm doing one of those mime acts where you pretend to go down a flight of stairs. the upside is i can see what i'm reading a lot better. i'll take it.

chad and i went on an actual date on saturday night after spending the afternoon at the annual Medishare company picnic, thanks to our wonderful new friend who insisted on babysitting (our kids are actually getting old enough to be offended by the term). we went to heidi's jazz club in cocoa beach..chad had gone around getting recommendations at work, made reservations and everything - what a guy. it was nice..great atmosphere, good food, fantastic live trio of piano, drums, and stand up bass, with a guest sax player who kept us highly entertained with his striking resemblance to al frankin. we walked to the beach after and stood on it for a minute, but it was actually getting chilly (!), so we headed home. talked for awhile with our sitter and her friend who came over to keep her company..they were such an encouragement, young women who have a passion and desire for God to work out His will in their lives. and good senses of humor to boot. we felt blessed. went to church via the internet in our living room the next morning..not what we want to do every week, but a nice option for once in a while. went to the beach again that evening - the kids played, chad tried to surf (waves weren't good), and i was in the mood to hunt for seashells. we run so much during the week now, we're really loving our weekends these days.

a wise and thoughtful use of your money...

waiting and watching for Atlantis while the kids goof off
up up and away!

life in a nutshell...i started working very, very part time at medishare, our kids got to go tubing on the indian river over labor day, lucy's sixth birthday has come and gone and jesse's ninth is just around the corner, still working my way through reading crunchy cons..very good, but somewhat dense reading, found out today i'm missing a jane austin fest with my good friends in Topeka - *boo hoo*, going into week three of two small groups here - chip ingram's effective parenting in a defective world and gary chapman's the other side of love (about anger) - both very practical and insightful, but having homework in both classes can be a lot, getting used to doing laundry in the kitchen instead of the basement (they don't have basements here), seeming to not be getting enough sleep lately, really feeling a need to learn how to type better.

also, the semiannual ccm summit is next week in cocoa beach. last year i tagged along with chad, had a mini vacation while our dear friends kept our kids in kansas. this monday we'll go to the dinner on the first night with the help of friends here who have offered to watch our kids for the evening and try to get back home not too late because they have school the next day. our frame of reference has been jolted, and while in many ways i am amazed and thankful that it's gone so well, i still sometimes just stand back and shake my head at this funky journey we're on.

(drum roll please....) we're closing on our house in kansas on monday!! praise be to God, who takes good care of us.

two mornings ago i woke up to an alarm (actually, the first djembe beats of Enter the Worship Circle) for the first time in a long time, flipped on the lamp next to my bed, opened my Bible and bleary eyed read these words - "Aliens will shepherd your flocks". not an encouragement right off as this was the first day my kids were going to don school logo embroidered polo shirts, grab backpacks and lunchboxes, and head into their first year at Royal Palm Charter School and Oakwood Academy, respectively. A year ago I posted this, and it amazes me how much can happen and change in a year. in any case, i went back later in the day and read through Isaiah 61 in its entirety, and found that though aliens shepherding your flocks sounds as the outset like something you want to avoid at all costs, the whole chapter is describing the Year of the Lord's Favor - good things, positive developments. so i was relieved and encouraged after all.
when i picked up the kids after a day of doing very little and enjoying the silence (more fun than you can imagine unless you've been a stay at home, sometimes homeschooling mom for 11 or so years), they could not wait to tell me all about their days, their teachers, the kids in their classes..they loved it. lucy's wonderful Christian teacher told us that in her 32 years of teaching, this would be her first lucy :). i smiled ear to ear all the way home thinking of how wonderful it was that they were in the hands of capable instructors who actually enjoyed doing things like making charts and sticking to them, and organizing and implementing lesson plans, et cetera. now if we ever find a need to go back to homeschooling, i will do it if it's the best thing for my kids, but i gotta say - it was quite a struggle for me when i was doing it, and i'm just so glad that for this year at least, God has given us a more workable option. With Chad going to work and the kids going to school, we enjoy each other's company more when we do have time to spend together, as i suspected would happen.

here's to a fantastic first, third, and sixth grade year for the barker kiddos.

From troubledwith.org, a website of focus on the family...

"The world’s going on without me. Another common reaction to a major move is feeling like no one really misses you … and maybe they’ll forget you. This panic generally begins following thoughts of how your “old” life — the people you love, your church, your friends and your family — are carrying on moment-by-moment without you. Yes, life goes on, but they haven’t forgotten you.

I’ve only got roots as deep as ivy. With many moves, you are forced to “start over.” Suddenly the grocery store is a labyrinth of scattered items and your quick trip for bread and milk takes three times as long. You get lost … and not just once or twice. After meeting new people for months, you are annoyed with introducing yourself and you crave deep, meaningful conversation with someone who understands you. For many, it feels as if the real you missed being loaded on the U-haul and now you’re forced to reinvent yourself for a whole new audience. This fear has some grounding in reality, for with change, you change. But the real you is still there, and as people get to know you better, you’ll find yourself emerging again."

i read through the list of reactions on this site, and identified most with these two. i knew going into this major life change that I would feel something strongly, experience some difficulties over it, but it was hard to know exactly what it would look like. these paragraphs defined for me what i'm going through right now..i found them helpful, and as long as i can know what's up without focusing on the negative, it will be a good thing. it also helps to know that these are common thoughts and feelings to have after such a jarring change, and that over time they will fade as other things take their place.

on the brighter side, we met our only new friends at sonic with all the kids for dinner tonight, then came back to our house for coffee, board games, good conversation, and a little hurricane preparedness info. they stayed late, the kids played well together (they have two boys a little younger than kansas and jesse, respectively); the only downer was that there was no girl for lucy..she sure misses her little friends. but a good time overall, we were encouraged. here's hoping our three will sleep in just a bit tomorrow...

So I turned 34 last week. I gotta say, it helps that my dear sis is always a year ahead of me (happy birthday, Gina). It's not that I feel old..I just may be starting to have that thing that older people tell me about where I look in the mirror (or at my bunions) and think - huh? I feel so...25!
Anyway, C did his best to make my day special. Roses (twice!), a big box of chocolates that I had the kids help me eat, Dinner - fabulous swordfish in Indiatlantic, a sitter for the kiddos - amazing since we just got into town earlier this month, a funny card, and a few sweet emails. He's quite a guy when he puts his mind to it.

I am trying to take my cues on adjusting to this move from my kids, mostly. They are resiliant, adaptable, taking life a day at a time. I am curious and expectant, while still dealing with the looming lonliness of not seeing a familiar face anywhere. I do like the church we've been visiting, and plan to sign up for a Bible study there. I will help out at the kids' school - they start August 9th...I may work very part time at MediShare's offices or from home for them, swim laps pretty darn cheaply ($1.50/session) ten minutes from my house, maybe volunteer with Meals on Wheels or the Red Cross. Try to write more consistently. Get closer to Jesus. It's still, though, for now, a fine line between hope and heartache.

well, here we are under the great big sun a fifteen minute drive in the beach van to the ocean. (in kansas it was known in our family as 'mom's van', but since our first trek to the atlantic, it has been a sandbox with skim and boogie boards taking up the wayback, where i used to put groceries. now groceries are precariously piled around kid's feet, but i digress...)
we love the city, the surf, the 9-5, five days a week (for the most part).
we miss dreadfully our friends, our home church, our not having to think about where to turn going down to road to wherever.
we do believe that it is God's will for us to be here, so we believe in time a warm blanket of sorts will settle over us, but for now new sights, sounds, and smells will have to be enough to keep the ball in play.
i'm thinking of revamping hmmm... ...i look at sunny peachy colored flowery sandy templates and they seem somewhat appropriate, but then i think of them as a place for hmmm..., and they just doesn't fit. hmmm... just doesn't adjust very well, i suppose. it does fit like a glove in bookracks, in gray northern streets, in earthtones of green, blue, and brown, in museums, libraries, coffeeshops, in rainy saturdays curled up in a worn armchair under a knit afghan, in old hymns, in autumn. ah, something will be figured out, i'm sure.
meanwhile, we are running thought a checklist of seeming endless details...get records in order, new drivers licenses, tags, and registration; buy school supplies and uniforms for the kiddos, find a new pediatrician, CNM, podiatrist, orthodontist, family dentist; find a vehicle for C, learn our way around, get the phone company to get a regular yellow pages to us (sometimes the internet doesn't compare), ETC. There is and end to this, though, and i look forward to getting into a routine again - for our family, it's been too long.

i took the kids to the library the other day, as i have packed and stored away just about every book they own. lucy actually said to me, "mom! i want to read but there are NO BOOKS!" strange to hear such a thing in our house...anyway, we checked out our stash and heard the librarian tell us our due date was long after we'd have moved out of town. yesterday i bought milk and the date it will expire is a week after we hit the road. it really is starting to feel surreal, this business of relocating, moving halfway across the country our kids, where we call home, our hearts, minds, and memories...our day to day life. i used to move around a lot when i was in (and inbetween) college - michigan to chicago to california to chicago to colorado to kansas to arizona and back to kansas...but then we had three kids, and set down some roots; and while i do not feel tied by too much history to this place, i do feel a tugging as relationships change drastically and familiar terrain stretches and becomes remodeled, and as we are facing, as a family, a nearly blank slate that will need to be filled in. Thankfully, the One who holds us together will continue to be the tie that binds, will go before us and hem us in behind, will never leave us or forsake us. So wonderful to have Him as our Rock, our Shield, our Provider, our Father, our Saviour, and our Friend.

currently reading through crunchy cons, a book to which i'm finding i heartily relate. conservative christian who also owns a copy of the moosewood cookbook and shleps around in birks half the time and tevas the other, that's me.

on a completely different note - we've painted several rooms, replaced the bathroom floor, made countless trips to goodwill to donate our unwanteds, held a suprisingly lucrative garage sale, ordered carpet, filled a friend's garage with boxes holding most of what we won't need for a month or two, and are narrowing down our choices on which house to rent when we get to florida for a year or so while we look for a permanent home. phew! and there are still a ton of details to take care of, not the least of which is to get this house sold. we're tempted to be anxious about this, but are praying..you're welcome to join in. chad starts his new job on july 10th, and we're planning to pull out on the 4th for a long, long drive with the kiddos and all our earthly goods. again, prayer is most welcome!

sometimes i get glimpses of how to love..mostly, i muddle through unaware.
this is a wild month for the barkers..between the five of us, ten flights scheduled for points southeast and southwest. dealing with a major breakdown between two of our children we will probably need outside help with. c's job very possibly changing drastically, including a very possible relocation for all of us. plans were made on very short notice, my head is spinning, but my soul has quieted down and is somewhat still before He who calmed the raging sea. I know that this is all in His hands, there is no suprise or uncertainty, no lack of wisdom, no indecision in Christ.
and as for loving...when the mundane starts crumbling, it's not so hard to see how important it is to keep the one thing you can control in place. we need to be there for each other despite the stresses and hard issues, we need to be careful with our thoughts and attitudes, and our words.

i know God is doing something here, when the dust settles i'll let you know what it was.

"Jesus took the Twelve aside and told them, 'We are going up to Jerusalem, and everything that is written by the prophets about the Son of Man will be fulfilled. He will be handed over to the Gentiles. They will mock him, insult him, spit on him, flog him, and kill him. On the third day he will rise again.'" -Luke 18:31-33

~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The angel said to the woman, 'Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here, he has risen, just as he said.'" -Matt. 28:5-6

~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?'" - John 11:25-26

this evening we were watching some dumb show about child stars and chad kept saying things like "what is that smell?". at some point i made some toaster waffles (standard barker recreational eating fare) and he said distractedly when he saw them "when did you make those? is that what i'm smelling?"...i am on the mend from nasty crud and can't smell a thing - i was no help. finally he went downstairs to the boys' room and immediately yelled for me to come down - i flew down the stairs just in time to see him yanking kansas' blanket off of his desk lamp and kansas himself out of bed. his blanket had two large spots on it about to burn through...

*************************************************

we've been really trying lately; really listening in church, aiming to lead our kiddos in the way they should go, really working to be a family that God can smile down on. we know he loves us no matter what, but..you know what i mean.
also lately...kansas has been doing his jekyll and hyde thing - loud disrespect and eye rolling one minute, cute and loving notes ("you're the BEST MOM EVER") the next...jesse is starting his thing we thought we got over years ago again of acting afraid to be in a room alone with his brother,...lucy has seemed to have forgotten it's her job to obey at all...and now this. i feel like we're being attacked. you could pray..that we'll get through this time, that we'll learn whatever lessons he has for us in the school of faith. and that he will keep us safe.

i just went down and looked at the boys sleeping again before i go to bed..shuddered, shed a tear, thanked our Father. i do know that our days are in his hands, but it sure can look on this end like some calls are just too close.

we had a great time in colorado..the kids had a great time here with friends, we're phasing into post-mountain reality. really, i could live out there in all that vast and amazing natural beauty, but our life is here, so..

i have a very sore throat today, playing catch up with the kid's homeschool, trying to unpack, do laundry, make a big pot of chili because, well, it's chilly out - they're predicting somewhere between 2 and 10" of snow by tomorrow afternoon. my house wasn't exactly clean when we left last week, so i really ought to vacuum and swipe some clorox wipes through the bathroom, but that may have to wait until tomorrow. or the weekend. maybe if i didn't feel like an elephant was sitting on my chest and coughing could somehow get him off...

...spending the week in keystone with the hubby. he's here on business, but we came up a day and a half early to ski/snowboard. and sit in the hot tubs on the roof of our hotel. we're going to owe our good friends who are taking in the barker kids big time, for sure!

we made chad a shirt with this picture on it for his birthday.

i drew a picture of lucy last night. it's ok, nothing too special, but resemblant (?) enough to warrant an "I didn't know you could draw that good, Mom!" from my ten year old. drawing is one of those things with me that i love everything about, learned in the most minimal way how to do, and take it up as a transient hobby a few times a year. i have lots of these hobbies - gardening, writing, making funny little free-form things with clay, reading actual good books - there is a copy of 'Jonathan Edwards: America's Evangelical by Philip F. Gura that i found today at the library in the new books on my lap..I was heading to bed to start reading it when I got sidetracked by an urge to blog - ...let's see - cooking anything with gusto besides pasta dishes, flower pressing, knitting (i was really excited about it some months ago, but now of course it's been reduced to fits and starts, still sticking only with the one stitch i was able to master). I wonder how much of this has to do with laziness, maybe busyness with other, more tyranny of the urgent things so that i have not enough to give to extracurriculars; possibly being the second born girl in my family, perhaps having an inward, analytical personality that fears failure so i stick with the little i know and don't venture to try more. in the end, this wondering all gets tiring and i need a distraction, something relaxing to encourage peace creatively...eyeing that watercolor lesson-a-day calendar i gave myself for christmas...

well, we're more than half way done with our first year homeschooling all three bambarinos. it's been..challenging. it took me most of this time to figure out what i'm doing, yet somehow we're pretty caught up for the year. mindful of the fact that this could've been the first year in a decade that i could've sent them all off to school and taken a few months or so to breathe..here we are. i know there have been more pros than cons, we've grown as a family together, we've grown as people ourselves. i think i could do it again come next september, but i won't lie - i'm looking forward to the summer break like few springs before.

it's snowing! in honor, i give you make-a-flake. enjoy!

when i was in high school, my friends and i frequented a pizza joint, often on lunch break or after school. it was owned by an italian man and his mama, who spent her time in the kitchen making fantastic oily pizza and selling it by the slice. silvio was an artist, fashioning sculptures out of cement and stone, steel rods and junk, some anatomically correct, in stages of various ancient costume. these took up most of the store space, lining the walls to the ceiling along with posters from the homeland. we would stand at the long, low counter to order - there was a shelf that ran its length under our elbows into which was crammed what seemed to be hundreds of black records..mostly sleeveless, all italian. we'd take our greasy slices out the back door to the skinny alley garden and sit on the rickety metal chairs, setting our paper plates on the cloudy glass topped round tables. while we ate, silvio would come out to translate the scratchy strains of whatever was on the turntable, piped out into the ramshackle outdoor dining room through tiny speakers hung among the twinkling lights and green leafy vines. "hear how sad he is? he is a soldier, far from his woman. and he misses her so, and hopes that she will wait a-for him..."
once in a while we'd go and find a sign hung at a slant on the front door - "gone to italy - back in a month". he had come to america as a teenager and still had many ties back home.
for all the fond memories i have of this place, i somehow always fail to remember to run by there when i am home, which isn't all too often. on a whim, i looked it up online today, and i discovered that some art student has made a documentary about silvio and his little place! i've got one on order for me and one for my sis for christmas...check it out here. sometimes i love surprises...

hmmm...fun and thinking.

we had a little impromptu gathering the other night..c got a permit, dug a firepit where the pool used to be and lined it with stones; i bought brats, hot dogs, and made a mess of homemade mac and cheese, also, i put on a big pot of hot cider. friends from church who have kids that ours are good pals with came (toting pop and chips) who get frequent visits from us, but haven't been out to the country to our place but a couple of times. another friend whose husband is working double shifts this week and has an almost two year old came with an apple spice cake, and yet another called to see if i could watch her two kiddos while she helped out at the school..she returned and they all ended up staying to eat dinner and roast marshmallows, squishing them between graham crackers with a chunk of chocolate bar.

we haven't done anything like this, it seems, in so long; haven't been hospitable or very social; haven't opened our home and yard to others, haven't relaxed in fine company. we've been rushed and frazzled, tackling three things at a time day in and out, and generally glued to the couch at the end of the day, exhausted and staring at the flashing television. it was a balm, it was nice to have such time to appreciate. it takes a special effort for me in this year of homeschooling three, running a household, being a wife and mom, etc.. to pause and refresh.

my girl lucy

our thursday night group is starting a new study - it's called 'restore my heart - God's passionate love for his bride' by denise glenn. it is based on looking at jewish wedding traditions and drawing from them parallels in the way God loves us. it reminds me of beth moore's first study (which i still think is the best one she ever wrote) that talked about the old testament tabernacle and how in all its symbols is a picture of heaven. this one has come highly recommended and i'm looking forward to it. it seems to be just what i need to hear these days.

oh, and i finally learned to knit! i so need a month of saturdays to pursue my great new hobby...

...and these are from cocoa beach, florida. last week i tagged along on chad's business trip and had had all kinds of fantastic time to myself and with him, courtesy of some wonderful and generous friends who kept our kids for us.

...taken yesterday a mile from my house, with my new camera.

so today, after i'd called my senator and congressman's offices to leave my thoughts on the situation down in the gulf coast, i decided to try the white house comment line. i didn't have to wait long before a super nice woman (cannot for the life of me remember her name) came on the line and asked what state i was calling from. i told her, then proceeded - with emotion that suprised me - to tell her just what i thought about the way this catastrophe was being handled by people with the power to help. i talked about babies with no diapers, old women left to die with no dignity, families splintered, sweltering, and feeling left for lost in a natural disaster they lacked the resources to have prepared for any better. in AMERICA. i talked to her about how i had gotten this information from the news stations, and for once i didn't believe that they were spitting out sensationalism, this was just the plain, ugly truth. i remarked that where i live, if a few f5 tornadoes plowed through my town in a night, i hoped that my government would rush to help, to get shelter, food, and water to me..to help me take care of my kids and neighbors, to give me some kind of hope for the immediate future. that if george bush had the opportunity to run for the office he holds again, even though i voted for him twice, i couldn't say that i could bring myself to do it again.

she listened very patiently, and then agreed with a lot of what i'd said - that this is an awful tragedy, that it's hard to imagine what those people are going through. she offered in the most non-argumentative way to let me know what efforts to help the stranded and destitute were going on today and i listened to her tell me what i was seeing on tv - that help was finally trickling in. she thanked me for calling, assured me that my comment would be sent to the president's aides, who do let him know what people are saying, and let me end the call when i was good and ready. i felt a little better, and i know that ultimately this world is not the end all, and that God is in control, is working things out in His perfect wisdom and timing...i struggle, though, to understand the suffering that goes on here.

tonight i'll take the familiar way
i need the road to carry me home
no adventuring out on strange country lanes
working to remember how to get where i know

tonight the stars are bright in the dark
the moon is nowhere to be seen
i'm tired, i'm spent, i'm thinking too much
about then, about sand, sky and sea

tonight i feel it, the gaping ache
missing what was supposed to be
i don't like that this still stings, Jesus
you're welcome to make this a peace in me

again, it's been a little while. to explain, i'll let you in on a scene from two mornings ago...watching out the front window by my desk, i could see the line of six kiddos down the hill, new backpacks, new shoes, new haircuts. Watching still as the big yellow bus pulled up, red lights flashing and they all tromped aboard; having to remind myself with some resolve why there were six instead of nine; of all the good reasons we chose to homeschool this year, choosing to turn from the thought that this would've been the first year in, oh, a decade that i could've begun a season of quiet days, time to write, learn to knit, become a better cook, slow down, take my time, shop alone, have lunch or coffee with a friend, breathe before the next wave hit. for seven hours a day, five days a week. i closed my eyes for a moment and then turned back to the K12 homepage and Jesse's science lesson for the day as he ran back from getting his book. "I'm glad you're my mom" he said, and suddenly, it became easier, much easier to think on instead of the bullying and negative/inappropriate peer influence that Kansas had contended with that distracted him from learning what he was at school to learn; how entirely exhausted Jesse was at the end of each school day last year; what a follower Lucy is and how physically small for her age - to think about getting to spend this time with my guys and girl this year..experiencing them being excited to learn, participating in their days, knowing them better than if they had gone to school this time around..
i am as overwhelmed as i am sure that we made the right choice. i'm getting used to the curriculum more every day..appreciating the professional teacher support as much as the freedom in our days as we go along. i don't expect it to be easy, but i do expect it to be worth it. after all, don't i tell them that nothing worth having in life comes too easy? and the perks...Jesse is glad that I'm his mom. priceless.

today is my dear sister's birthday, ending the two days a year we are the same age. you see, she was born on july 27th, and i was born the following year on july 25th, narrowly missing sharing a birthday outright. we've had great fun with this little fact over the years, sharing for only a couple of days the fact that we are not TWINS, but we are identical in number of years..sort of. nowadays, of course, we are wondering "what on earth were our parents THINKING???"

Happy Birthday, Gina...

one of our pastor and his wife's four daughters left last week for europe with a group, college girls studying abroad for the summer. we did hear news from her today, she and a friend were heading into london on a train that ended up being diverted. she wrote from "the church which is only a block and a half away from the Welwyn Garden City train station...God is watching out for us and I feel looked after and protected. He is very good and has given us a "way of escape in every situation we've encountered...".
my sister and her family live in a small town in holland, running a camp/ conference/ translation ministry; i talked to her husband today.."it's a crazy world we live in", he said...crazy, alright. the enemy is alive and well, wreaking havoc, living in the lies he's succeeded in getting people all over God's earth to believe. but his time is limited - though it may seem long to those whose hearts belong to the Lord - God will come, redeem, make new, dry tears, be our eternal light and song. may we be able to see incidents like what happened this morning with a broader perspective, while we pray for help in the immediate, may we keep one eye out for the return of our King, for the peace and the feast, for the end of night and dark and sin.

well, per comment #3 at the post below, i guess i've been tagged...thanks, bridget :). as far as i understand, there are two (or more?) parts to this business..first, to answer the question in my own words; then, to pass this dealio on to, let's see, eight other bloggers. i'll do my best..let me know if i missed something here..

Five Things I Miss From Childhood...

1. Hours and hours to curl up and read. I was that kid who lugged home the limit from the public library weekly and spent loads of time inbetween lost in another world between book covers, chewing on the end of my ponytail. These days I have to steal moments when a good read crosses my path..from my husband, my kids, my house, my errands, my friends, the good ol' tyrrany of the urgent itself. I miss the long stretches.

2. Ease of relationships. Kids make instant friends (or for that matter, enemies..but it's possible to make a quick turnaround in this case, which is another thing I miss)..where two or more are gathered, play will ensue in relative simplicity. Kids are too immature emotionally, mentally, to waste time figuring out if they have enough in common, if a future together is, well, in the future, if the new kid has enough time...i love seeing this with my own kids, and it makes me realize how complicated things can get in this area as we become knowing adults, living more in the past and worrying more about the future than just being in the moment, all too often.

3. The pure goodness of eating an orange push up on a summer day. They just do not taste as great nowadays to me.

4. The feeling of freedom in riding my bike everywhere. Now if I ride a bike, it doesn't feel like freedom. Driving my car feels like freedom, somewhat. Riding a bike feels like exercise.

5. Spending the night at my Grandma's house..us girls would pile on her big bed, smear vaseline all over our calves and feet, eat little frosted or jelly filled cookies and watch t.v...Love Boat, Joker's Wild, Little House on the Prarie (never once suspecting that I would grow up and move to the prarie)...getting ready for bed in the soft orange and pink seashell wallpapered bathroom...sleeping on the fold out beds in the spare room with the old typewriter on its little metal table, the aqua blue sit up table, and the closet full of Polizzi and DiCicco family photo albums...waking up to her making us breakfast..the toast with fruit and nut bread, fresh squeezed orange juice, her perfect creamy scrambled eggs. What I wouldn't give for such a retreat these days!
****************************************
Here's the tag part:

Remove the first person from the following list, bump everyone up one spot and put your name in the number 5 spot.

Blessed Beyond Belief
http://blessedbeyondbelief.blogspot.com/

Thro'a Glass Darkly
http://saija.blogspot.com/

Blogin' Idiot
http://blogin_idiot.blogspot.com/

Those Who Can...Do Teach!
http://thosewhocan.blogspot.com/

JustAdjust
http://justadjust.blogspot.com/

...and add four unsuspecting people to this list -

Jenn
http://jdungca.blogspot.com/

Kristin
http://www.brian5.com/madness.php

Brian
http://www.brian5.com/drivel.php

Methy
http://www.groovedallas.com/cainfm/methy//

four year old lucy, leaning over the arm of the couch this morning to get to the library book box and having a bit of a hard time - "I am getting TOO OLD for this!"

i have a few friends i call when i'm on a walk, so that i can walk farther. it's amazing what i can accomplish in the productively healthy realm when i'm distracted. i talked to a friend tonight who is in the post marsupial but still highly vigilant stage of raising her first child, currently a two year old. he's amazingly fast and infinitely curious, and has, like most two year olds i've known (including my own), way more confidence than capability. he, in fact, came crying to her with a new bump forming while we were talking about just how different we christians are here in the midwestern u.s. than some in, say, the pacific northwest, the middle east, beijing. i let her go, and called another friend who is pregnant with her first, cruising through her second trimester, dealing with her role in helping her husband raise his 11 year old from his first marriage, volunteering with high school kids who show some spiritual interest, driving home from a board meeting. we talked about marriage, and summer planning when there's an ex-wife involved, how long after the expiration date you can really use ground chuck (i said about one day), and getting together soon, before or after the barrage of family trips and visits she is about to navigate through this month.

if you know me, you know that i have a tiny hang up about my relationships with other people. i tend to get caught up in slightly negative thinking that my friendships are all mostly shallow, that i have little to no community going on in my life, that i am hard to get to know..or something. i find, though, that if i reach out past these feelings, call someone, put a letter in the mail or shoot an email through cyberspace - connect - ...inevitibly, i am blessed with varying degrees of mutuality, of sharing some human space, of getting great feedback on yes, we are all in this muck together-ness. it doesn't really take much to encourage me, but often it takes me awhile to realize that it does take me looking up and around, opening my hand, offering or asking. trusting. as i'm learning...

anne lamott, speaking of her writer father, said "i think he believed that our job, the job of a writer, is not to get up and say, "tomorrow, in battle, most of you will die..." instead, a writer must entertain the troops the night before."

i'm finding that i tend to be more of a reporter lately than a writer...if the ship is sinking, i want to blow the horn, blast the siren, swing the floodlights on the most threatened area...i haven't wanted to try to entertain the troops the night before. As much value and life as I see in storytelling, in painting beautiful and insightful and even entertaining tales, my heart has been heavier than that for much of the last few months. I'm praying for more balance, to start to see more things half filling the cup rather than all the things that are draining it dry, to grow in laughter and love, and to take the sorrow and difficulties in stride. We all encompassing hyper analysts can get a permanent deeply indented line between our eyebrows if we aren't careful...

one word for you - carpetball.

...so, five months later...

i actually forgot for awhile that i had a blog. and when i came back to the realization, i visited and found that two friends had been here in the meantime...so i guess i'll start up again (no telling how often i'll post) and see what happens.

five months in a few words, just to catch you up - chad's birthday, had toe surgery, reading stepping heavenward by elizabeth prentiss, trip to michigan and chicago - meeting my niece and taking the kids on the el, through the loop, in a cab, and to the art institute, along with mother's day brunch at ann sathers -, experienced kansas finishing up homeschool fourth grade, jesse, public school first grade, and lucy, christian preschool; did not improve my terrible typing, started leading a small group of fellow moms in a study through the book "shepherding a child's heart" by Tedd Tripp, went on a scavenger hunt, planted a garden, rearranged my kitchen, found a 1952 copy of Patricia M. St. John's book 'Treasures of the snow' - a childhood absolute favorite of mine I plan to read to my kids, right after we finish Kate DiCamillo's 'The Tale of Despereaux', tried again to learn to knit, went to family camp over memorial day weekend with friends... some highlights. through all of this, i've been really seeking out God in all the cracks and crevices, working at making myself aware of Him through my days - no small feat, but He is full of grace.

so linford detweiler is playing in my hometown tomorrow, while i am stuck in kansas thinking "there's no place like home". oh, the irony...

when i was a kid and had all kinds of time to indulge my library nerd desires, i went through a phase of reading through all of Jill Krementz's books in the series "a very young..." (skater, musician, circus flyer, etc..). i loved the oversized picture books, the real life documentary style accounts of kids who had special talents or were just born into artistic or performing families, and were allowed and even encouraged to persue their calling with abandon. i learned about what kind of time and focus it took to follow such a specialized discipline, i daydreamed about what it would be like to eat and breathe an art form, an athletic goal, a life very different than mine - waiting shufflefooted for the big yellow school bus under the towering pine tree day after day with the neighborhood lot.

last week i browsed our library's website to look for those books, to share them with my kids, to remember. turns out they are out of print, and out of stock. bummer! so i did the next best thing, i checked out the only two books by Jill our library does have in circulation, and the first one arrived today. (incedentally, i absolutely love the service our library provides of allowing you to check something out online, then mailing it to you for free - but whenever i employ this wonder, stacks of books end up arriving at my door at once, burdening our cheery mail carrier. i feel badly about this. maybe i'll start having one of my kids wait around by the curb with their wagon...) anyway, this book is titled 'How it Feels to Live With a Physical Disability'. it's a work that allows kids with physical limitations of a wide variety to tell their experiences, in their own words. it's eye opening, to say the least. one thing that struck me, really struck me while sharing this book with one of my kiddos today was something a girl who had lost her eyes to cancer at a young age had said. she was thirteen when this book went to print, and in talking about how she liked various subjects in school, she articulated, "Art doesn't have any meaning for me." i just...couldn't imagine.

well, my kudos to Ms. Krementz - for those glimpses in dreamy afternoons years ago, for thoughtful insights via the USPS and our fine city library this week. given such gifts, i don't mind still being a nerd...

after much recommendation from two unassociated friends, i finally brought the first of jan karon's mitford novels home from the library. nearing the end of it, i am so glad that i lugged home the next three in the series on top of it. after wrestling with some heavy reading on motherlessness and trying in vain to keep up with my beth moore study, i'm finding jan's stories just about as refreshing to the soul as it gets. and i'm guessing that the timing of my getting around to breathing mitford air wasn't entirely in my hands...

so today is our tenth anniversary, we've officially been married for a whole decade. that's a long time on one hand, and on the other it has flown. i look back and wonder how we got here so fast. i also look back and am very thankful that we've made it this far...we have been through a lot together. as i review the years and all that has happened in them, i am struck most by the fact that i experienced them not alone, not with another, but with c, the one and only. we have done a lot of our growing up together, we have glared over the great divide at each other more times than i care to remember, we had kiddos right away so have never known our family to consist of only the two of us...but in all this i see the hand of God, i have learned a lot, i see the next ten years getting better and brighter, and the ten after that more luminous still. it's hard to see that sort of light in the day to day, in the hard knocks and the rush and clatter but it is there. I, for one, am glad to have days marked on the calendar to stop and take notice, stock, and a deep breath of fresh perspective before diving in again.

btw, we have two down and scratchy with chicken pox, so we've cancelled the sitter and we'll be staying in tonight. life goes on...

so my jesse turned seven on monday, and tuesday he woke up covered head to toe in chicken pox. i woke up to hear his brother tell him "you have a TON of bug bites!"
i called the school to excuse the absence, and it turns out only seven out of the eighteen in his class showed up that day, everyone else home spotted and itching. it has now spread to the other two first grade classrooms, and the teachers are having an interesting week with only a handful of students, assignment packets piled high on the school secretary's desk for parents of polka dotted pupils to pick up (say that ten times fast). last night when we were going through the long calamine applying session, i joked that i would connect all his dots with a marker so we could see the picture. he just looked at me funny. hey, if they're going to keep me up at night, they've got to endure my lunacy.

one pox patient down, two to go. hopefully we'll be all through this by the holidays...

they say these things happen in threes. i have no idea why, but it's (often enough to make you wonder) curiously true. in the past two weeks, i've had three friends who have had to deal with sad baby news. a routine checkup turned instant hospital admittance for failure to thrive, this mom having had severe post partum depression to deal with which may have accounted for the slow start her precious girl has gotten off to. an ultrasound which produced quite a scare in another friend, and she waits after more tests to find out if her fears are confirmed, she asks for prayer, she hopes she will be up to this challenge that will surely break her heart. and the last, and rawest...a boy who grew and thrived safely through three trimesters only to be lost to his parents and sister during his entrance to the world...unimaginable tragedy. they are leaning on the everlasting arms, but they are devastated.

rich mullins sang "we are frail, we are fearfully and wonderfully made..."

we are most frail in our infancy, helpless, suspended by a thread yet that thread is held fast by the hand that brought us into being. it's just a little hard to see it, sometimes...

(conversation with almost seven year old jesse this morning over cereal...)

"do you want to take the bus or for me to drive you to school today?" (my grammer is nothing to write home about before say, eleven a.m.)

"take the bus, but i have two things to tell you about school."

"what are they?"

"well, the first thing... ...i forgot the first thing."

"ok, what was the second thing?"

"mom, they don't have to be in ORDER."

...

i don't get it. why, after the close of the first presidential debate, does the conversation immediately turn to possible voter shift - did people feel more safe with kerry, or with bush after hearing them debate for 90 minutes? who seemed more composed, relaxed, nonalarmist? who stood taller, smiled more (or less), followed the majority of the legion of rules concerning the debate itself? and how do all the answers to these questions affect voter opinion? were the undecided swayed one way or the other by relatively insignifigant etceteras and warm fuzzy feelings in response to one 90 minute show? what about the record? what about the facts over years and decades? what about the brass tacks - voting records, books authored, testimony from those who were there, who know well, who have stood by over time? are we so much a consumer minded culture that we can change an opinion on something so vital, so paramount as our choice for the next, in effect, world leader on the basis of one hour and a half of not so much new information, but just seeing the opponents sharing a stage for the first time? i believe that in the global landscape, there is no more important job held than our president's, and i find it hard to believe that the vote we cast, our small part in the democratic process that holds such far reaching implications could be decided on what amounts to little more than triviality. we knew where they stood on major issues before last night, and i doubt anything said in the next two debates is really going to bring out a new insight into either candidates proven character. undecideds, maybe instead of watching for a smirk, listening for a stumble over a word or perceiving an inflection, you ought to crack open a history book, chase the paper trail, check the track record - so that you can truly make an informed choice.

here,
here,
here,
here,
and here are a few places to get started...

"pictures painted hastily don't tell nothin' 'bout the heart" - victoria williams, who made some excellent music to listen to in the car.

i'm heading to nashville in a week with seven other mothers of preschoolers for the annual MOPS convention. i'm looking forward to time with these fine ladies, road trip fun, encouragement to pass on to our own MOPS group back home, and sending postcards to my kids..you have to understand, i haven't been anywhere by myself since before they were born. so chad will be running round the clock daddy day care for four days, and i have no idea what to expect the house to look like when i return. pray for us, as we're driving through the night on wednesday...

i've been struggling lately with some health issues, some financial issues, definitely some discouragement issues. i'm beginning to think that God is trying to get my attention, and i'm also starting to respond in a bit of wonder - He has something for me! something wise and wonderful, something helpful, something loving and right. he is my father, my protecter and provider, my rock and fortress. so today i'll try to remember to work on that trust issue, with a little patience thrown in for good measure. and soon i hope to report that he has filled me a good measure, and even overflowing - "pressed down, shaken together, and running over..." - and i see as i check my reference that those verses are all about giving. with the measure i use, it will be measured back to me. do unto others.

hmmm...

spent the morning with three four year old girls and their moms, the beginning of an impromptu tuesday morning preschool. my friend is a teacher by profession, stay at home mom by choice, and has lots of displaced energy as a result, thus - tuesdays with mommies. today we explored the kansas history museum where not only can you walk through displays of life sized buffalo, train engines, and roadside diners - you can also have a puppet show, dress up like laura ingalls, and play a real drum in a real tepee. they had a ball, and we had a good time watching their excitement and interaction. kids the same age have some striking similarities just because their birthdays are all around each others'; and also some stark differences because of the enviornments they live in, the way their parents relate, the stuff they watch (or don't watch) on t.v., and the God given bent in each of them. i see myself in my daughter, i feel protective of her vulnerability even as i allow her independence and teach her to deal with life as things happen to and around her. i'm feeling the pangs even now of her growing up - i can still hold her all i want to, but the day will come when it's a grown up hug instead of a preschooler squishy-tickle-squeeze on my lap, a twirl around and around on the grass in a park, a tucking into bed hearing her pray those precious and amazing little girl prayers. i'm glad, i'm blessed (not always in the day-to-day, but definitely in the pause-and-reflect), i'm in awe of this treasure and responsibility.

not bad for one tuesday morning...

ok

...this is the card that my almost seven year old made of his own volition for his sister on her fourth birthday, which was yesterday.

sometimes this overwhelming adventure is all worth it, and much more...

she found herself alone a lot; solitude grew on her as she passed through childhood like leaves on a tree in the springtime; grew thicker and fuller until by the time she turned twenty she only felt comfortable under the umbrella of it. she would venture out, but when out she was not herself, she wore her mask and lowered her voice; shook her hair around her face and quickened her pace. back in her little world she could relax, could pretend it was all she needed, that she had all she needed in herself. it was a mirrorless void where she played her melancholy music loud enough to drown out any possible argument, any seeming still small voice that might alert her to the gnawing she had detected deep down in her soul. she hung in the balance, she was breathless half the time. she could not know then how he would find her there, invade her careful circle with his brightness and love so pure it would break her heart in two; could never have known the way he would pick her up as she wept for the first time in many years, how he would put the pieces back together as he stroked her hair, kissed her brow..had she been given time to prepare he would have found only footprints in the snow fleeing out the open back door, but she would be eternally grateful for that holy suprise.

yesterday i turned 32. i'm taking it in stride, not too worried, still feeling plenty young. i sat in church in the morning, reflecting on how God created me, in His image, for a reason..that He knew and knows all about me, and loves me so much. we had swapped some babysitting, so in the afternoon/evening Chad and I went to get a coffee, chat with a friend, strolled through the rose and rock gardens in Gage park - the weather was absolutely perfect out ...goofy golfed, browsed barnes and noble, had a wonderful dinner at a nice hotel, and spent a little while at the library. my idea of a good birthday, for sure...

it's really POURING out there right now..i hope i don't lose power while i'm inspired to attempt blogging. it's rained so much this summer i can count the number of times i have watered the good sized garden out back on one hand. i love it, i feel the near nightly thunder in my bones, i hear the hammering on my roof and somwhow feel secure - i am in out of the weather. if not for the ceiling, i'd be soaked. sermon today on how we're the soon to be occupied city, the enemy king has come to the gate of our fortified wall to let us know we'll soon be overtaken and to offer us a ticket to keeping life and limb - sumbission to him. it's how it was done in old testament times, and it's a picture of how we can have life in Christ. God will judge, but it's not really what his heart is in. also, when life's getting you down, when you're upset, irrated, frustrated, and all out of sorts, go read up on revalation chapter 20..it tends to put all this in perspective again. you couldn't pay our intelligent, bighearted pastor to preach fire and brimstone..i suppose this is his version. i'm thankful to be in God's family, that's for sure. covered, safe, in out of the coming storm.

fourth of july, my oldest turning nine, sunflowers in bloom (i get such a kick out of planting a seed and watching the result grow to be taller than my 6' 3" husband ;)...summer is defintely in swing. i am working on inviting God into all areas of my life..handling my kids' sibling rivalry, being late for a meeting, the minutes after i've first awoken in the morning, second guessing if we should've traded in our snappy little focus wagon for a (albiet sensible for our growing family) new freestar van..it was an incredible deal, but it happened so fast and did bump up what we're spending for a vehicle monthly. All things, all happenings, all wonderings, all events, decisions, suprises, consequences laid when they arrive (or are noticed) at the feet of my Saviour with a request for help or wisdom or further instruction; thanksgiving, wonder, discouragement...an acknowledgement that Christ is my Lord; that all that comes to me is filtered through His knowledge and permission, that He is my help in times of trouble, my strength in weakness, my Father, my friend.

It escapes me more often than not - I am easily distracted and preoccupied. But I'm working on it...

kansas was baptized yesterday at lake shawnee with many friends around. a few other friends were baptized also, then we had a potluck and good conversations for quite awhile. our church is so homey, like a family, and the morning and afternoon times i spent with those fine people were so filling deep down where it matters. i'm thankful..for my son's faith and excitement to take it to this step...for how beautiful the lake was yesterday, how perfect the temperature of the breeze, for how incredibly cute all the toddlers were while playing in the mud they made at the beach while we laughed at them. Christ's body, living, working, resting together in harmony is so lovely.

the garden is growing, the tomatoes are babies, green little balls full of promise of glorious red spheres bursting with flavor, with summer itself in just a matter of weeks...the cukes are finally sprouting some raggedy edged leaves, telling me it's time to plant them in the ground to begin their viney, climbing labor which will produce solid green cool satisfaction soon also. i weed, i water, i wait..i thrill , i marvel at what time and weather can do to a giant sunflower seed - already they are half the height of me. i mulch, i mow, i dream...

the garden is growing, the tomatoes are babies, green little balls full of promise of glorious red spheres bursting with flavor, with summer itself in just a matter of weeks...the cukes are finally sprouting some raggedy edged leaves, telling me it's time to plant them in the ground to begin their viney, climbing labor which will produce solid green cool satisfaction soon also. i weed, i water, i wait..i thrill , i marvel at what time and weather can do to a giant sunflower seed - already they are half the height of me. i mulch, i mow, i dream...

went to a friend's farm today..kansas in the spring, grey cloudy day, bright green grass, tan wheat field against the chalky sky. helped chase the goats out of the pea patch, looked at a buffalo head hanging from a tree, drying...played with boxer puppies, horses, and one heartbreaking kitten. fading red paint barn, wildflowers here and there, old, old trees, stately and sheltering; breaking up the gently rolling prarie. driving back down the long dirt gravel roads we spied three quails and a rabbit..the air was intoxicating, hinting at rain, touching on humid. heaven in the heartland.

went to a wedding last saturday they read poetry classical music was played she was so different in satiny white than the birkenstocked overalled comfort sweater she was usually found wearing he was calm and confident he was right for her they asked us for help and surroundings of wisdom advice listening ears and room to grow they kissed long and often that day they danced dipping in happy tears they thanked us for sharing this day this once in a lifetime communion of their covenant they wore grace my daughter was starry eyed at the sight near perfect night

why do i eat so much at night? and why so much sugar? why don't i read and take my shower (after a day of gardening, 'lifeguarding' in my backyard, riding my bike with lucy in the little backseat in the late-may-but-feels-like-august heat) instead of putzing about cyberspace, cereal bowl at hand, frozen snickers on my mind..why oh why did i eat that pie (even after i knew what the calorie count was even after i read that eat healthier magazine while on the treadmill last night)? oh, the y will not for long stave off the implications of these binges this nightly ritual the sweet consolation after another day that exhausted all my resources but one - still, why?

spent the better part of today standing in a crowd facing the Monroe school in Topeka, where it was being dedicated as a national historic site. fifty years ago today, the supreme court unanimously decided that it was unamerican and against our nation's constitition to allow segragation in the public schools to continue (legally, at least) in response to several lawsuits filed by families including little seven year old carol brown's father. she was there today to speak (and to introduce the president), along with many other dignitaries and civil rights leaders including the rev. jesse jackson and the rev. fred shuttlesworth, who i could've listened to for another hour at least, with his biblical refrences to the cause of civil rights and his sharply honed wit.

i felt a responsibility to be there, to show support of a cause i firmly believe in. all my life i have been angered by predjudice, injustice, people looking down their noses at other people just because they looked different, were of a different race - just because of the color of their skin. and not only looking down their noses - we cannot forget ugly scars on america's historical landscape like the kkk, lynching, unfair trials, slavery, the list goes on. today i heard about children - children! who chose courage over fear and walked through lines of discrimination, endured ridicule, beatings, poor conditions, unfair accusations - in the name of trying to get an education.

i believe that God is sympathetic to the poor, the downtrodden, the shunned, the humiliated. i believe that he put that fire in me, to some degree..and i was glad to have the opportunity to be among many, many like minded people today.

last night bible study ended early..a rarity since we all love to sit around and talk after the video and prayer time. i had not had a chance to give waterdeep's new live cd a good listen, so i headed out of our small town with it on loud, windows down, the weather intoxicatingly hovering between warm and cool. i was heading to the auburn cemetary, where there is a long road that ends at an entrance to a ranchers field - gravestones on one side, hilly fields ending in one of those glorious kansas sunsets on the other. this time, though, i was in for a suprise. as soon as i drove over the first hill, i was greeted by the sight of a large herd of buffalo. now i had heard about these animals roaming here, and chad claimed to have gotten a far away look at them, but in the almost five years we've lived in these parts they had been just ghosts to me. but here they were, turning their giant brown wooly heads to stare at me, their wide set eyes blinking slowly. i got out of the car just grinning, i turned to look at the low full moon, back to see the blazing sunset, buffalo close enough to touch in the middle. i stayed for awhile, just in awe of the evening, of the suprise, of the magnifigance of these beasts, these relics of the old wild west, right here in my backyard. i grinned again to think of God, looking down at me, having just handed his child a yellow frosted cupcake and a glass of cold milk, and permission to go enjoy them out at the picnic table; having whispered in my ear how close He was, how real, how here. it was hard to pull away...i slowly drove back down that long road, gravestones on one side, remains of a fantastic kansas sunset on the other, and a rather large herd of buffalo in my rearview mirror.

mmm...a five hour run from waterdeep on saturday night - it was good to be there. it's a little sad that it was the "farewell to touring" show, but knowing them, I can't imagine there not being a slam bang kickin' reunion tour oh say, next year...

it was so good also to see friends..the kind of friends you can not see for months, even years - and pick up right where you left off. and of course it was fun to meet some new faces and just be at the new earth. even with the giant realtor 'for sale' sign out front...

another lucy one...i just had to share - she hates when i leave for work (it's rather rare, but i do go in now and then), so today when she saw me tying my shoes and gathering my things she said "Mom! are you going somewhere??" to which i replied, "Yes, honey; to the MOON!!" she pondered this for a moment, then said "well, can you just go to work?"

at the moment lucy's parading around the house, doll in one hand, bell-on-a-stick in the other, singing at the top of her lungs - "and i'm so happy, so very happy, i have the love of Jesus in my heart!!"

i guess all the movies she's been in so far have slipped right under my radar screen, but it's just recently been brought to my attention that judy greer, currently working in hollywood, is the same judy (evans) that i had a ball with in and out of acting classes in high school. i dug out my yearbook and sure enough, there we were, in all our black and white glory, in various poses from A Thurber Carnival. Look for her in 13 going on 30, opening this week. Huh.

i talked to my dad yesterday and discovered that he'd up and sold the farm...the house he bought when i was six months old will be home no more as of the last week in june. it's strange, it's unsettling to find out how tied i can become to things of this earth, as well as how stinking sentimental i get sometimes. i think back to two christmases ago, the last time we visited...the last time i'd walk on the brick red dining room floor, the last time i'd do laundry in the basement among my dad's vast (and well organized) tool collection, the last time i'd tuck my kids in for sleep in the upstairs room my parents had painted pink in 1972 for their baby girls. so many memories there, such a deep sense of belonging all over that property. my dad told me that he'd sold it to a family with three little girls of their own, and that made me smile. as i'm losing my sense of balance in what i can now go back to when i'm in michigan, i'm hoping those little girls will grow up climbing the ancient apple tree in the backyard, swinging their legs under the kitchen counter perched on those high stools, sitting on the smooth front porch among the yews, elbows on knees, chins in palms, contemplating plans for that particular summer day...i hope they love that it's only a two block bike ride to the neighborhood park, that the sloping black driveway is fun to shovel in the winter, that they have a root celler and a laundry chute and back closets in the upstairs bedrooms to explore. i wonder if they will dig up my stash of quarters under my old bedroom window.
i hope, as i am losing this for myself, that it will be a house that becomes a home to them. i hope their parents take really good care of the place. and i hope i can stomach staying in a finished basement of a condo surrounded by displaced memorabilia next time i'm in town...

recovering from spring break - we didn't go anywhere special, just having all three kiddos home all day every day took some getting used to. I'm trying to look on the bright side of the upcoming summer, instead of worrying about what in the world we're going to do all day. the last two days i've spent greasing my rusty politically active arm...an issue having to do with our little town losing the close by bigger town's wonderful library services - our own city council is working against us, and we're in a race to call all the folks we know to get them to call their senators by tomorrow or else...or else we're going to start a PETITION, doggone it! fire and bookworms uniting in little ol kansas...

but the spring trees are blooming, the forsythias are in all their yellow glory, the grass is getting greener with every nighttime blast of nitrogen charged lightning, it's a fine time of year to be living in tornado alley.

oh, and watch yourself. tomorrow's april fools day :)

"treat your mind like a bad neighborhood...don't go there alone"

sound advice if i ever heard it.

life is not always fair and free, life is downright mean spirited sometimes. underneath the current pushy tickertape of the daily news of me, i can sometimes find inspiration, though...today, i would've liked to respond to the developing top story with a three musketeers in one hand and the manuel entitled "how to reconnect with the mother you never knew after a friend of hers unwittingly gets in touch with you and she herself has to write and apologize for intruding into your otherwise probably perfect life" in the other, but it was not to be so. i searched around the edges and came up with a mess of granny smith apples and an uncanny desire to once again try my hand at pastry-making from scratch (enough time lapses between these urges that i forget the heavy flour/pie crust crumb dusting my kitchen ends up with when i venture there)...
what came out was a not so bad homemade apple pie sporting a fabulous crust, and some peace of mind for me. that amy charmichael was right about doing the next thing; it heartens, it empowers to accomplish the small what you can under the looming shadow of what you cannot.

"Could we with ink the ocean fill,
and were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
and every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
though stretched from sky to sky."

found penciled on a wall in the room of a patient in an insane asylum...i am encouraged in that what we can't see or understand, He does, and can, in perfect clarity. So we can trust him perfectly.

"Though she may forget, I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..."

*************************************
He not only fills in the empty places, he plants fields of wildflowers there.
I am blessed to be His daughter.

there is a calm place in me tonight that used to be filled with anxiety, fear, anger, dread. there is a knowing whose hands i am in, whose will it is for there to be breath in my lungs, oxygen in my blood. there is still a gaping hole where solid trust should be, and it is scary from a distance, but not up close today - i can't feel the emptiness yawning around me like a canyon as i so often have today. to come to a place in the midst of a struggle with another person where you can breathe, where you can put your hand in the hand of Jesus and lean into him, and with wonder - wonder! - ponder what it is that he is doing there, in your desert, in your shadow of yet another fading mirage, what he is up to and how he will see you through; confidence in his love, his perfect father plan letting you feel light inside...this is nothing short of miraculous. but that is the God who claims us, yes? a God of miracles, within and without us, the same yesterday, today, and forever.

this weekend we went to an 80's party (can you think of a greater way to spend a friday night ? ;) ...

...and i went with a friend to a watercolor workshop in kansas city.



chad's off to see the billions in lawrence tonight..no pics, but you can still catch the show if you read this not too long after i post it :)

..as it rained, it froze; and it rained a lot. we're living in iceland, a wonderland where everything the sun touches glimmers and shines, and the icicles jutting down from stop signs, streetlights, and fence posts alike are longer than i ever remember seeing in kansas. now if it only weren't so darned COLD...