i just noticed that my last three posts were made on a tuesday, and here i am doing it again. i wonder why tuesday has become blogging day for me...?

so...we are having a time finding a sitter so we can go see waterdeep this saturday - one of the downfalls of the show being on easter weekend. it's been downright hot here the last few days - the mercury rose to 90 yesterday. hot and windy - weather i want to stick my head in the sand to avoid. and it's hard to drive in. there are major issues in my life - cleaning out and fixing my basement, taxes, childrearing, etc - that i am currently struggling with. worrying, nursing discontent, even anger at these loose ends that should have been tied up already, or that flail in the breeze making it hard for me to grab on to. but i'm remembering more these days to take them to God, to try to leave them there, and to set my hope in Him...balancing this world temporary and that life eternal has always eluded me though, it's difficult.

in the last four days, we've been home only to sleep two nights. today i'm looking around at my trashed house, no floor space to be seen from the bags, backpacks, and general chaos - i'm a bit overwhelmed. i need time to process the events of friday...the death of chad's grandmother, kindergarten roundup for jesse (me standing there in my p.j's that morning at 9:00 am after the whirlwhind of getting chad and kansas off for the day with the realization dawning on me that i was supposed to be at school right at that moment for the parent's meeting without lucy in tow...not happening. we were late and she squirmed on my lap...) where was i? the great marriage conference we left for on friday afternoon after learning the news of grandma barker...we were glad we had seen her just the evening before, but it was impossible to process the thought of her being gone while heading out of town as the rest of the family was flying or driving in...the time away and the lessons learned at the conference are going to be priceless when we get around to following up with it. the funeral yesterday, the deep, hard to answer questions from my kids...the afternoon and evening spent with family and friends...the distracting basketball game. chad has nursed a debilitating toothache through this all. my kids are having a terrible time giving me these moments to write even now...i've been looking forward to their naptime today since last thursday...

i'll try to get to my little blog more often, when i have some time to :).

our water damaged basement, chad's crashed hard drive, and now his grandma is in the hospital again, and they don't think she'll make it two more weeks. they say these things come in threes, but do they have to come like a series of joe louis knockouts?

can you miss something that you never knew?

ug...the main drain's plugged. our basement, it did flood. for days we've worked and shrugged...shop vacs and dehumidifiers we've lugged. we pulled the carpet up, the pad - when you walked on it went "schlup". can't take much more of this uncertain struggle- about time to call the plumber up.

(this complaint brought to you by the phonetic short 'u' sound)

jesse, lucy, and i went and had lunch at school with kansas today...when a parent comes like that, their child is allowed to choose two friends to sit with along with mom or dad at a special table. kansas chose a very cute and talkative little brown-eyed girl (who gave me the initial impression that she had influential older sisters, and as it turned out, she does :) - and he also chose the class troublemaker - remember the kid who set his desk on fire? he looks like one of the little rascals (think alfalfa with red hair and freckles), but is very easy to talk to and was eager to share with me all the rotten things he's done this year...'true confessions at auburn elementary...'

it really took me back...one hollered room-encompassing scolding from the large marge-esque lunch lady, and i was in second grade all over again, but this time with a more refined sense of humor and a little more height. i watched my kansas go through the hot lunch line, raise his hand to ask for more ketchup, talk with his friends about recess and other kids, and race when he finished out to the playground swings. i swear, it really doesn't seem like so long ago that i was right there...different town, different life - same general idea. we hung around for the ten minute recess before heading back to the office to return our visitors pass. it's still a bit strange to have all this formality attached to seeing my kid during a normal day, but i guess that's part of letting him grow up.

...and today it's sunny and 62 degrees. i'm listening to Arlo Guthrie's Alice's Restaurant [18:31] via streaming online radio...fun stuff.
I was having revelations yesterday morning on the treadmill at the Y - revelations and trepidations, visions and fears. sometimes i see not just the whole picture, but the entire collection of picture possibilities and let me tell you - once you have children of your own, this can be an unwelcomingly blinding situation. I walked faster and faster as thoughts poured through my brain...thoughts of my kids out in this big bad world without a solid anchor, thoughts of inadequacy at motherhood because of my own mother jumping ship when i was two - my daughter's age now - thoughts of pictures i wanted to paint and music i wanted to make, thoughts of never standing on the northern california cliffs overlooking the pacific ever again, thoughts of claustrophobia in my yoga pants, thoughts of hungry children in third world countries, bombings, vacant eyed poverty, my own restlessness and my sometimes seemingly frozen options at this place in my life, thoughts of black and red and flourescent oranges and yellows that hurt my inner eyes...thoughts of something shapeless unraveling and a loss of control over it, thoughts of not understanding God, and being mostly confused at the way people have tried to explain Him, thoughts of armageddon and fire and endless cold unrelenting pouring rain like something out of a ray bradbury story. thoughts i wanted to write down and couldn't and that i knew would have escaped me when i did get to paper and a pen...all this while watching construction progress on the row of townhouses below me out the wide long windows i was facing, and four wall mounted t.v.'s blinking out seperate broadcasts above me. and the woman on the next treadmill over walking just a little bit faster than me the whole time. and coldplay loud in my ears, the wire from my cd player swinging in time to my stride. the track under my feet slowed for cool down, and i remembered to breathe. what gets me through these mental panic attacks? i think having learned that this too shall pass, i guess. that all i really have to hold is the moment i'm in. and that as little as i get what God's up to, I believe He's a good Father.

by the time i picked jesse and lucy up from their play i was satisfied to run our errands and go home for a nap. the sun was shining, the ice and dirty slush had evaporated into thin air, and while it wasn't costal, it wasn't a bad place to be either.

it's raining ice.

my mateys (resplendant in their pirate getup, wooden shoes, and cowboy hat...dontcha think?)

last minute wishes...i just discovered this gem. anne lamott and over the rhine at the same conference. in san diego. in three days. *SIGH*...

"Grief and tears water the ground at our feet; they are part of restoration." - a.l.

been sick in bed pretty much since last saturday, when i started feeling like i might be coming down with something. it's a particularly nasty cold, settled in my chest, plugging up my ears and giving me huge, painful sneezes at odd intervals. my advice for any fellow sickies out there in bloggerland...if all you have left in your medicine cabinet for this sort of thing is theraflu (the kind you mix with hot water, not the tablets) and you have to at least try for some relief...mix in a GENEROUS amount of honey after you've stirred in the powder. the stuff is most unsavory.

things i collect - part two.

memories
photographs
dust on just about every surface of my house...it's something i have a hard time getting around to.
kitchen gadgets - antique ones to add to my kitchen border; new ones to play with
cookbooks
cd's, mainly of friends, independent artists, and classic got-to-own goodies
pens
bags, leaning towards the hippy variety
board games
art supplies for me + my kids
catalogs - cbd, ll bean, pottery barn. when i've collected too many we make collages.
empty water bottles - but i don't mean to. i really should throw them away...
notebooks - we are rife with them. all of us here do a tremendous amount of drawing, writing, and general doodling.
educational placemats - nothing like discussing the nervous system, planetary order, or elmo's favorite colors while enjoying a meal.
credit card applications, which i now rip up and return to the sender at their expense, a tip i learned from the happily determined mary hunt.
chocolate
peace
hope
love
fisher price toys from the seventies - for old times sake.


i'm sure there's more, but you get the idea...

i've been a barista off and on for the last, oh, ten years or so. i've worked in quite a few coffeeshops in several states (i met my husband while employed at one in chicago), most recently helping out some friends who started up a new one in topeka. that was a year and a half ago, and the venture is proving itself to be a worthwhile one...i'm happy to be part of its scenery. to me, the occupation of barista falls between waitress - too business minded; and bartender - too technical...and it would probably be a difficult job to do as a christian. coffeeshops - good ones - have an organic soul, they attract a certain group of people that are earthy, into art, politics, or both; college kids, older single folks that talk to me while i pour their shots, steam their milk. my friends jim and cara would come in frequently in the last weeks before their first baby was born, playing chess, killing time. people reading, writing, talking quietly, eating scones, working on laptops. it's comfortable, a communal living room. and a nice break from my day job...

things i collect - part one.

mmm...

you should collect these, too, if you are able. they're delicious.

lately when i've experienced feelings of excitement over something, interest in something, joy, wonder, a spark of any kind, my thoughts have gone from that feeling to the idea that i want to feel that way about my relationship with God. did he not make me to feel these things? and i'm sure it isn't for the purpose of spending all of it on things of this earth, things in my little circle of concern. i want to know him as He knows himself, know him in His art of creation, His greatness and glory, His sacrificial love for me. i want to be excited about knowing Him, desiring to spend time with Him. Our kids are into these max lucado books right now - you are mine, you are special, and most recently, if i only had a green nose. these stories deal with a wooden puppet living in a town filled with wooden puppets, most of whom spend all their time trying to outdo each other in coolness and belonging via the latest fad. eli, the woodcarver who made them all, lives up a hill outside of the town and is generally feared scornfully by the 'wemmicks'. punchinello, the main character, goes to eli initially to meet him, and then sporadically throughout the other books as he's in need of rescuing...but other than those times is busy getting caught up in the popularity contests at quite a high price to himself every time. as i read these stories to my kids, i am wondering why little punchinello doesn't just spend more time at eli's - he's so much more levelheaded and feeling peace when he's at the woodcarvers shop. the time he wastes in town listening to lost wemmicks he exhibits foolishness and pride and ends up burned, lost and lonely every time. it's a beautiful picture of how we are, it's so simple and straightforward. i want to get off the hamster wheel for good, i want to know it's ok to do that. i want rest in my body and peace in my head. i'm so thankful that that's what He wants for me, too...i just have a lot of trouble remembering this in the thick of daily life.

saw waterdeep and sixpence in wichita last night...wd was wonderful, as usual, funky and fresh again - alive and kicking. it was a bit sad to see them just opening, though...they could've played for hours. sixpence was oddly dark. the sound was full, her vocals pretty...it just seemed as though something a bit awkward was transpiring in the whole thing. maybe it was the contrast with don + co., maybe that the guys in sixpence don't talk or sing - and it was short - they didn't seem to play much longer than their opener had. i've heard great things about their latest release - someone told me that this was the fourth or so night of their tour - getting used to the whole thing again, i guess...it's been awhile. leigh did have a blond braided somewhere around six or seven year old fan right up front by herself, dancing away with stars in her eyes.

misery...i've been in bed for three days with a killer cold. and now my throat is all swollen and sore - looks like i'll be paying a visit to my doc tomorrow. waste of a good half a week, if you ask me. i'm a terrible patient. and of course today in the mail something had to appear like the samaritans purse newsletter - a full color magazine showing picture after full blown picture of skinny, dirty children from the poorest countries on earth clutching brightly wrapped shoeboxes, grinning like mad. we'd helped the boys participate in this project over christmas, and the meaning very nearly got lost in all the other holiday shuffle, shopping, and travel - but here it looked me in the face again, in the midst of my grouchiness over having to have spent some time resting in my warm house and comfortable bed and feeling a little bad - here it was, this reminder of children dying of aids, children living in orphanages with dirt floors and one meal a day, children who were hearing for the first time ever that Jesus loves them very much. and i wasn't amidst the hustle and bustle of anything at the moment to distract me. i looked into their bright eyes, i read their stories, i cried at their innocence and their pain. oh, i wondered - when will i learn to disentangle myself from the preoccupation of self, here and now? God have mercy. *cough*

morning wakes my bleary vision
getting up's a tough decision
stayed up late, but that's my nature
grouchy start the next day's wager
overwhelmed and late already
on my feet i'm barely steady
coffee brewing, cereal poured
warm bed tempts, i can't afford
to give it even one more thought
this is the kind of start i bought
but does it have to spoil the day?
i know it started out that way, but
help me Lord, to overcome
feeling tired, draggy, numb
show your strength despite my weakness
radiate my outer bleakness
grace you show me, kind and true
when even my foolishness you work through.

yesterday was deepening grey and foggy, misty and somewhere between cool and warm - my absolute favorite weather. i need to live in the pacific northwest. but alas, instead of wishing away my morning i started the daunting task of cleaning out my garage and chopped all of my perennials down to barely there. i just had to be outside, it was surreal, it was a grey green gift to my senses from my heavenly Father, who makes all things bright and beautiful, who owns the cattle on a thousand hills, and who knows my own heart much better than i ever could. i was just breathing in the comfort, it was a whisper in my ear from my Abba, i could've stayed there for a year. hopefully it is a glimpse of what spring is going to look like in kansas - if so, i can't wait.