i took the kids to the library the other day, as i have packed and stored away just about every book they own. lucy actually said to me, "mom! i want to read but there are NO BOOKS!" strange to hear such a thing in our house...anyway, we checked out our stash and heard the librarian tell us our due date was long after we'd have moved out of town. yesterday i bought milk and the date it will expire is a week after we hit the road. it really is starting to feel surreal, this business of relocating, moving halfway across the country our kids, where we call home, our hearts, minds, and memories...our day to day life. i used to move around a lot when i was in (and inbetween) college - michigan to chicago to california to chicago to colorado to kansas to arizona and back to kansas...but then we had three kids, and set down some roots; and while i do not feel tied by too much history to this place, i do feel a tugging as relationships change drastically and familiar terrain stretches and becomes remodeled, and as we are facing, as a family, a nearly blank slate that will need to be filled in. Thankfully, the One who holds us together will continue to be the tie that binds, will go before us and hem us in behind, will never leave us or forsake us. So wonderful to have Him as our Rock, our Shield, our Provider, our Father, our Saviour, and our Friend.

currently reading through crunchy cons, a book to which i'm finding i heartily relate. conservative christian who also owns a copy of the moosewood cookbook and shleps around in birks half the time and tevas the other, that's me.

on a completely different note - we've painted several rooms, replaced the bathroom floor, made countless trips to goodwill to donate our unwanteds, held a suprisingly lucrative garage sale, ordered carpet, filled a friend's garage with boxes holding most of what we won't need for a month or two, and are narrowing down our choices on which house to rent when we get to florida for a year or so while we look for a permanent home. phew! and there are still a ton of details to take care of, not the least of which is to get this house sold. we're tempted to be anxious about this, but are praying..you're welcome to join in. chad starts his new job on july 10th, and we're planning to pull out on the 4th for a long, long drive with the kiddos and all our earthly goods. again, prayer is most welcome!

sometimes i get glimpses of how to love..mostly, i muddle through unaware.
this is a wild month for the barkers..between the five of us, ten flights scheduled for points southeast and southwest. dealing with a major breakdown between two of our children we will probably need outside help with. c's job very possibly changing drastically, including a very possible relocation for all of us. plans were made on very short notice, my head is spinning, but my soul has quieted down and is somewhat still before He who calmed the raging sea. I know that this is all in His hands, there is no suprise or uncertainty, no lack of wisdom, no indecision in Christ.
and as for loving...when the mundane starts crumbling, it's not so hard to see how important it is to keep the one thing you can control in place. we need to be there for each other despite the stresses and hard issues, we need to be careful with our thoughts and attitudes, and our words.

i know God is doing something here, when the dust settles i'll let you know what it was.

"Jesus took the Twelve aside and told them, 'We are going up to Jerusalem, and everything that is written by the prophets about the Son of Man will be fulfilled. He will be handed over to the Gentiles. They will mock him, insult him, spit on him, flog him, and kill him. On the third day he will rise again.'" -Luke 18:31-33

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"The angel said to the woman, 'Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here, he has risen, just as he said.'" -Matt. 28:5-6

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"Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?'" - John 11:25-26

this evening we were watching some dumb show about child stars and chad kept saying things like "what is that smell?". at some point i made some toaster waffles (standard barker recreational eating fare) and he said distractedly when he saw them "when did you make those? is that what i'm smelling?"...i am on the mend from nasty crud and can't smell a thing - i was no help. finally he went downstairs to the boys' room and immediately yelled for me to come down - i flew down the stairs just in time to see him yanking kansas' blanket off of his desk lamp and kansas himself out of bed. his blanket had two large spots on it about to burn through...

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we've been really trying lately; really listening in church, aiming to lead our kiddos in the way they should go, really working to be a family that God can smile down on. we know he loves us no matter what, but..you know what i mean.
also lately...kansas has been doing his jekyll and hyde thing - loud disrespect and eye rolling one minute, cute and loving notes ("you're the BEST MOM EVER") the next...jesse is starting his thing we thought we got over years ago again of acting afraid to be in a room alone with his brother,...lucy has seemed to have forgotten it's her job to obey at all...and now this. i feel like we're being attacked. you could pray..that we'll get through this time, that we'll learn whatever lessons he has for us in the school of faith. and that he will keep us safe.

i just went down and looked at the boys sleeping again before i go to bed..shuddered, shed a tear, thanked our Father. i do know that our days are in his hands, but it sure can look on this end like some calls are just too close.

we had a great time in colorado..the kids had a great time here with friends, we're phasing into post-mountain reality. really, i could live out there in all that vast and amazing natural beauty, but our life is here, so..

i have a very sore throat today, playing catch up with the kid's homeschool, trying to unpack, do laundry, make a big pot of chili because, well, it's chilly out - they're predicting somewhere between 2 and 10" of snow by tomorrow afternoon. my house wasn't exactly clean when we left last week, so i really ought to vacuum and swipe some clorox wipes through the bathroom, but that may have to wait until tomorrow. or the weekend. maybe if i didn't feel like an elephant was sitting on my chest and coughing could somehow get him off...

...spending the week in keystone with the hubby. he's here on business, but we came up a day and a half early to ski/snowboard. and sit in the hot tubs on the roof of our hotel. we're going to owe our good friends who are taking in the barker kids big time, for sure!

we made chad a shirt with this picture on it for his birthday.

i drew a picture of lucy last night. it's ok, nothing too special, but resemblant (?) enough to warrant an "I didn't know you could draw that good, Mom!" from my ten year old. drawing is one of those things with me that i love everything about, learned in the most minimal way how to do, and take it up as a transient hobby a few times a year. i have lots of these hobbies - gardening, writing, making funny little free-form things with clay, reading actual good books - there is a copy of 'Jonathan Edwards: America's Evangelical by Philip F. Gura that i found today at the library in the new books on my lap..I was heading to bed to start reading it when I got sidetracked by an urge to blog - ...let's see - cooking anything with gusto besides pasta dishes, flower pressing, knitting (i was really excited about it some months ago, but now of course it's been reduced to fits and starts, still sticking only with the one stitch i was able to master). I wonder how much of this has to do with laziness, maybe busyness with other, more tyranny of the urgent things so that i have not enough to give to extracurriculars; possibly being the second born girl in my family, perhaps having an inward, analytical personality that fears failure so i stick with the little i know and don't venture to try more. in the end, this wondering all gets tiring and i need a distraction, something relaxing to encourage peace creatively...eyeing that watercolor lesson-a-day calendar i gave myself for christmas...

well, we're more than half way done with our first year homeschooling all three bambarinos. it's been..challenging. it took me most of this time to figure out what i'm doing, yet somehow we're pretty caught up for the year. mindful of the fact that this could've been the first year in a decade that i could've sent them all off to school and taken a few months or so to breathe..here we are. i know there have been more pros than cons, we've grown as a family together, we've grown as people ourselves. i think i could do it again come next september, but i won't lie - i'm looking forward to the summer break like few springs before.

it's snowing! in honor, i give you make-a-flake. enjoy!

when i was in high school, my friends and i frequented a pizza joint, often on lunch break or after school. it was owned by an italian man and his mama, who spent her time in the kitchen making fantastic oily pizza and selling it by the slice. silvio was an artist, fashioning sculptures out of cement and stone, steel rods and junk, some anatomically correct, in stages of various ancient costume. these took up most of the store space, lining the walls to the ceiling along with posters from the homeland. we would stand at the long, low counter to order - there was a shelf that ran its length under our elbows into which was crammed what seemed to be hundreds of black records..mostly sleeveless, all italian. we'd take our greasy slices out the back door to the skinny alley garden and sit on the rickety metal chairs, setting our paper plates on the cloudy glass topped round tables. while we ate, silvio would come out to translate the scratchy strains of whatever was on the turntable, piped out into the ramshackle outdoor dining room through tiny speakers hung among the twinkling lights and green leafy vines. "hear how sad he is? he is a soldier, far from his woman. and he misses her so, and hopes that she will wait a-for him..."
once in a while we'd go and find a sign hung at a slant on the front door - "gone to italy - back in a month". he had come to america as a teenager and still had many ties back home.
for all the fond memories i have of this place, i somehow always fail to remember to run by there when i am home, which isn't all too often. on a whim, i looked it up online today, and i discovered that some art student has made a documentary about silvio and his little place! i've got one on order for me and one for my sis for christmas...check it out here. sometimes i love surprises...

hmmm...fun and thinking.

we had a little impromptu gathering the other night..c got a permit, dug a firepit where the pool used to be and lined it with stones; i bought brats, hot dogs, and made a mess of homemade mac and cheese, also, i put on a big pot of hot cider. friends from church who have kids that ours are good pals with came (toting pop and chips) who get frequent visits from us, but haven't been out to the country to our place but a couple of times. another friend whose husband is working double shifts this week and has an almost two year old came with an apple spice cake, and yet another called to see if i could watch her two kiddos while she helped out at the school..she returned and they all ended up staying to eat dinner and roast marshmallows, squishing them between graham crackers with a chunk of chocolate bar.

we haven't done anything like this, it seems, in so long; haven't been hospitable or very social; haven't opened our home and yard to others, haven't relaxed in fine company. we've been rushed and frazzled, tackling three things at a time day in and out, and generally glued to the couch at the end of the day, exhausted and staring at the flashing television. it was a balm, it was nice to have such time to appreciate. it takes a special effort for me in this year of homeschooling three, running a household, being a wife and mom, etc.. to pause and refresh.

my girl lucy

our thursday night group is starting a new study - it's called 'restore my heart - God's passionate love for his bride' by denise glenn. it is based on looking at jewish wedding traditions and drawing from them parallels in the way God loves us. it reminds me of beth moore's first study (which i still think is the best one she ever wrote) that talked about the old testament tabernacle and how in all its symbols is a picture of heaven. this one has come highly recommended and i'm looking forward to it. it seems to be just what i need to hear these days.

oh, and i finally learned to knit! i so need a month of saturdays to pursue my great new hobby...

...and these are from cocoa beach, florida. last week i tagged along on chad's business trip and had had all kinds of fantastic time to myself and with him, courtesy of some wonderful and generous friends who kept our kids for us.

...taken yesterday a mile from my house, with my new camera.

so today, after i'd called my senator and congressman's offices to leave my thoughts on the situation down in the gulf coast, i decided to try the white house comment line. i didn't have to wait long before a super nice woman (cannot for the life of me remember her name) came on the line and asked what state i was calling from. i told her, then proceeded - with emotion that suprised me - to tell her just what i thought about the way this catastrophe was being handled by people with the power to help. i talked about babies with no diapers, old women left to die with no dignity, families splintered, sweltering, and feeling left for lost in a natural disaster they lacked the resources to have prepared for any better. in AMERICA. i talked to her about how i had gotten this information from the news stations, and for once i didn't believe that they were spitting out sensationalism, this was just the plain, ugly truth. i remarked that where i live, if a few f5 tornadoes plowed through my town in a night, i hoped that my government would rush to help, to get shelter, food, and water to me..to help me take care of my kids and neighbors, to give me some kind of hope for the immediate future. that if george bush had the opportunity to run for the office he holds again, even though i voted for him twice, i couldn't say that i could bring myself to do it again.

she listened very patiently, and then agreed with a lot of what i'd said - that this is an awful tragedy, that it's hard to imagine what those people are going through. she offered in the most non-argumentative way to let me know what efforts to help the stranded and destitute were going on today and i listened to her tell me what i was seeing on tv - that help was finally trickling in. she thanked me for calling, assured me that my comment would be sent to the president's aides, who do let him know what people are saying, and let me end the call when i was good and ready. i felt a little better, and i know that ultimately this world is not the end all, and that God is in control, is working things out in His perfect wisdom and timing...i struggle, though, to understand the suffering that goes on here.

tonight i'll take the familiar way
i need the road to carry me home
no adventuring out on strange country lanes
working to remember how to get where i know

tonight the stars are bright in the dark
the moon is nowhere to be seen
i'm tired, i'm spent, i'm thinking too much
about then, about sand, sky and sea

tonight i feel it, the gaping ache
missing what was supposed to be
i don't like that this still stings, Jesus
you're welcome to make this a peace in me