hmmm...three restless nights in a row. tossing, turning, listning to the wind howl, listning to jesse talk in his sleep. three nights having half dreams...which always seem worse than whole ones...three nights knowing i'd wake up tired, three nights trying to pray and not quite making it past the ceiling. three nights counting wrongs, three nights cursing my sinful nature that has contributed to the sorry state we're in.
three nights in a row, i don't know if i'm up for four.
something in me strains to catch a glimpse of the first signs of spring - then winces as the sunlight pours down. i am this way in so many areas...indecisive at best, discontent at worst, i guess. before i was married, i would give ear and follow every whimsical desire i heard myself 'need' - a day off of work, a night out with friends, a week or three in a car going anywhere but here...i was always labeled a 'free spirit'...i've learned since that noone's spirit is really free. in my acceptance of servanthood, even friendship - or the road to it anyway- with God, i've had to reject the idea of freedom of spirit, soul, and self - this heartily embraced idea is nothing more than the flashy wrapping and glittering bow on an empty box...so deceived was i that at times i still find it hard to remember that where i live, what i have, my plans for today can only be altered so much by me...that in the grand scheme of things, they are held in God's hand, and if i'm wanting to draw closer to Him, part of that entails following his lead instead of running ahead only to stumble and fall. the themes that speak loudly from His perfect Word need to be more imbedded in me - "give, love, trust, find joy in the lord, and learn to encourage yourself in Him, do not worry or complain...the list goes on. what peace He longs for us to live in, what resistance i build up to that notion when i fill my mind with doubt and distraction.