...and today it's sunny and 62 degrees. i'm listening to Arlo Guthrie's Alice's Restaurant [18:31] via streaming online radio...fun stuff.
I was having revelations yesterday morning on the treadmill at the Y - revelations and trepidations, visions and fears. sometimes i see not just the whole picture, but the entire collection of picture possibilities and let me tell you - once you have children of your own, this can be an unwelcomingly blinding situation. I walked faster and faster as thoughts poured through my brain...thoughts of my kids out in this big bad world without a solid anchor, thoughts of inadequacy at motherhood because of my own mother jumping ship when i was two - my daughter's age now - thoughts of pictures i wanted to paint and music i wanted to make, thoughts of never standing on the northern california cliffs overlooking the pacific ever again, thoughts of claustrophobia in my yoga pants, thoughts of hungry children in third world countries, bombings, vacant eyed poverty, my own restlessness and my sometimes seemingly frozen options at this place in my life, thoughts of black and red and flourescent oranges and yellows that hurt my inner eyes...thoughts of something shapeless unraveling and a loss of control over it, thoughts of not understanding God, and being mostly confused at the way people have tried to explain Him, thoughts of armageddon and fire and endless cold unrelenting pouring rain like something out of a ray bradbury story. thoughts i wanted to write down and couldn't and that i knew would have escaped me when i did get to paper and a pen...all this while watching construction progress on the row of townhouses below me out the wide long windows i was facing, and four wall mounted t.v.'s blinking out seperate broadcasts above me. and the woman on the next treadmill over walking just a little bit faster than me the whole time. and coldplay loud in my ears, the wire from my cd player swinging in time to my stride. the track under my feet slowed for cool down, and i remembered to breathe. what gets me through these mental panic attacks? i think having learned that this too shall pass, i guess. that all i really have to hold is the moment i'm in. and that as little as i get what God's up to, I believe He's a good Father.
by the time i picked jesse and lucy up from their play i was satisfied to run our errands and go home for a nap. the sun was shining, the ice and dirty slush had evaporated into thin air, and while it wasn't costal, it wasn't a bad place to be either.