Sometimes life just HURTS. Sometimes I just feel bad about something, and I don't really want to hyperanalyze it to death - Am I just being selfish? Is my perspective all skewed? Maybe I'm just a raving complainer, I'm not counting my blessings..things could be so much worse...
When I'm facing a hard thing, and it's not moving on, I tend to throw a little fit at first - "What's this? No! I don't like this, I want it out of my way, out of my line of vision, out of my life!" Then I sit in it for awhile. I cry, or feel like it. I think I should get on antidepressants, because really, if life is allowed to pitch you curveballs whenever it feels like it and you cannot get out of the line of fire, well...how to cope? Eventually the thing fades some, I can see other things as well, things that I don't mind so much, that aren't so bad, things even that I love and cherish, things that make me laugh. A resolution, for the time being.
Some of the things that stare me down currently are - living in Florida..I'm a midwestern girl, I miss the landscape, the trees, the hills, the four distinct seasons. It is flat here, with skinny palm trees and scrub pines. It's downright ugly to me, this terrain, and I am terribly aesthetic. The feeling I can never shake of not belonging, of not having close family, of the closest friends I have being far away. Lonliness is a high and dark wall, cold and unfeeling. Finances are very tight..days can get long and little changing..getting out of town is not an option anytime soon - I can feel stuck. Renting the house we live in - it's not ours, but we're in it all the time. Again, aesthetics, and throwing all that money down the drain every month...I do not like the feeling of spinning our wheels, but neither do I have any desire to buy a house down here.
Oh, I am a complainer after all. Jesus, can I lay all this at your feet again? Will you carry it for me? It's heavy.
I know that I do have a lot to be thankful for - our family, our health, Chad's job, I know I could go on and on. We are blessed in many ways, I do wish I was not the sort who wants to be blessed in ways we don't happen to be. I wish I had more trust in God and his plan for me.