so today is our tenth anniversary, we've officially been married for a whole decade. that's a long time on one hand, and on the other it has flown. i look back and wonder how we got here so fast. i also look back and am very thankful that we've made it this far...we have been through a lot together. as i review the years and all that has happened in them, i am struck most by the fact that i experienced them not alone, not with another, but with c, the one and only. we have done a lot of our growing up together, we have glared over the great divide at each other more times than i care to remember, we had kiddos right away so have never known our family to consist of only the two of us...but in all this i see the hand of God, i have learned a lot, i see the next ten years getting better and brighter, and the ten after that more luminous still. it's hard to see that sort of light in the day to day, in the hard knocks and the rush and clatter but it is there. I, for one, am glad to have days marked on the calendar to stop and take notice, stock, and a deep breath of fresh perspective before diving in again.

btw, we have two down and scratchy with chicken pox, so we've cancelled the sitter and we'll be staying in tonight. life goes on...

so my jesse turned seven on monday, and tuesday he woke up covered head to toe in chicken pox. i woke up to hear his brother tell him "you have a TON of bug bites!"
i called the school to excuse the absence, and it turns out only seven out of the eighteen in his class showed up that day, everyone else home spotted and itching. it has now spread to the other two first grade classrooms, and the teachers are having an interesting week with only a handful of students, assignment packets piled high on the school secretary's desk for parents of polka dotted pupils to pick up (say that ten times fast). last night when we were going through the long calamine applying session, i joked that i would connect all his dots with a marker so we could see the picture. he just looked at me funny. hey, if they're going to keep me up at night, they've got to endure my lunacy.

one pox patient down, two to go. hopefully we'll be all through this by the holidays...

they say these things happen in threes. i have no idea why, but it's (often enough to make you wonder) curiously true. in the past two weeks, i've had three friends who have had to deal with sad baby news. a routine checkup turned instant hospital admittance for failure to thrive, this mom having had severe post partum depression to deal with which may have accounted for the slow start her precious girl has gotten off to. an ultrasound which produced quite a scare in another friend, and she waits after more tests to find out if her fears are confirmed, she asks for prayer, she hopes she will be up to this challenge that will surely break her heart. and the last, and rawest...a boy who grew and thrived safely through three trimesters only to be lost to his parents and sister during his entrance to the world...unimaginable tragedy. they are leaning on the everlasting arms, but they are devastated.

rich mullins sang "we are frail, we are fearfully and wonderfully made..."

we are most frail in our infancy, helpless, suspended by a thread yet that thread is held fast by the hand that brought us into being. it's just a little hard to see it, sometimes...

(conversation with almost seven year old jesse this morning over cereal...)

"do you want to take the bus or for me to drive you to school today?" (my grammer is nothing to write home about before say, eleven a.m.)

"take the bus, but i have two things to tell you about school."

"what are they?"

"well, the first thing... ...i forgot the first thing."

"ok, what was the second thing?"

"mom, they don't have to be in ORDER."

...

i don't get it. why, after the close of the first presidential debate, does the conversation immediately turn to possible voter shift - did people feel more safe with kerry, or with bush after hearing them debate for 90 minutes? who seemed more composed, relaxed, nonalarmist? who stood taller, smiled more (or less), followed the majority of the legion of rules concerning the debate itself? and how do all the answers to these questions affect voter opinion? were the undecided swayed one way or the other by relatively insignifigant etceteras and warm fuzzy feelings in response to one 90 minute show? what about the record? what about the facts over years and decades? what about the brass tacks - voting records, books authored, testimony from those who were there, who know well, who have stood by over time? are we so much a consumer minded culture that we can change an opinion on something so vital, so paramount as our choice for the next, in effect, world leader on the basis of one hour and a half of not so much new information, but just seeing the opponents sharing a stage for the first time? i believe that in the global landscape, there is no more important job held than our president's, and i find it hard to believe that the vote we cast, our small part in the democratic process that holds such far reaching implications could be decided on what amounts to little more than triviality. we knew where they stood on major issues before last night, and i doubt anything said in the next two debates is really going to bring out a new insight into either candidates proven character. undecideds, maybe instead of watching for a smirk, listening for a stumble over a word or perceiving an inflection, you ought to crack open a history book, chase the paper trail, check the track record - so that you can truly make an informed choice.

here,
here,
here,
here,
and here are a few places to get started...

"pictures painted hastily don't tell nothin' 'bout the heart" - victoria williams, who made some excellent music to listen to in the car.

i'm heading to nashville in a week with seven other mothers of preschoolers for the annual MOPS convention. i'm looking forward to time with these fine ladies, road trip fun, encouragement to pass on to our own MOPS group back home, and sending postcards to my kids..you have to understand, i haven't been anywhere by myself since before they were born. so chad will be running round the clock daddy day care for four days, and i have no idea what to expect the house to look like when i return. pray for us, as we're driving through the night on wednesday...

i've been struggling lately with some health issues, some financial issues, definitely some discouragement issues. i'm beginning to think that God is trying to get my attention, and i'm also starting to respond in a bit of wonder - He has something for me! something wise and wonderful, something helpful, something loving and right. he is my father, my protecter and provider, my rock and fortress. so today i'll try to remember to work on that trust issue, with a little patience thrown in for good measure. and soon i hope to report that he has filled me a good measure, and even overflowing - "pressed down, shaken together, and running over..." - and i see as i check my reference that those verses are all about giving. with the measure i use, it will be measured back to me. do unto others.

hmmm...

spent the morning with three four year old girls and their moms, the beginning of an impromptu tuesday morning preschool. my friend is a teacher by profession, stay at home mom by choice, and has lots of displaced energy as a result, thus - tuesdays with mommies. today we explored the kansas history museum where not only can you walk through displays of life sized buffalo, train engines, and roadside diners - you can also have a puppet show, dress up like laura ingalls, and play a real drum in a real tepee. they had a ball, and we had a good time watching their excitement and interaction. kids the same age have some striking similarities just because their birthdays are all around each others'; and also some stark differences because of the enviornments they live in, the way their parents relate, the stuff they watch (or don't watch) on t.v., and the God given bent in each of them. i see myself in my daughter, i feel protective of her vulnerability even as i allow her independence and teach her to deal with life as things happen to and around her. i'm feeling the pangs even now of her growing up - i can still hold her all i want to, but the day will come when it's a grown up hug instead of a preschooler squishy-tickle-squeeze on my lap, a twirl around and around on the grass in a park, a tucking into bed hearing her pray those precious and amazing little girl prayers. i'm glad, i'm blessed (not always in the day-to-day, but definitely in the pause-and-reflect), i'm in awe of this treasure and responsibility.

not bad for one tuesday morning...

ok

...this is the card that my almost seven year old made of his own volition for his sister on her fourth birthday, which was yesterday.

sometimes this overwhelming adventure is all worth it, and much more...

she found herself alone a lot; solitude grew on her as she passed through childhood like leaves on a tree in the springtime; grew thicker and fuller until by the time she turned twenty she only felt comfortable under the umbrella of it. she would venture out, but when out she was not herself, she wore her mask and lowered her voice; shook her hair around her face and quickened her pace. back in her little world she could relax, could pretend it was all she needed, that she had all she needed in herself. it was a mirrorless void where she played her melancholy music loud enough to drown out any possible argument, any seeming still small voice that might alert her to the gnawing she had detected deep down in her soul. she hung in the balance, she was breathless half the time. she could not know then how he would find her there, invade her careful circle with his brightness and love so pure it would break her heart in two; could never have known the way he would pick her up as she wept for the first time in many years, how he would put the pieces back together as he stroked her hair, kissed her brow..had she been given time to prepare he would have found only footprints in the snow fleeing out the open back door, but she would be eternally grateful for that holy suprise.

yesterday i turned 32. i'm taking it in stride, not too worried, still feeling plenty young. i sat in church in the morning, reflecting on how God created me, in His image, for a reason..that He knew and knows all about me, and loves me so much. we had swapped some babysitting, so in the afternoon/evening Chad and I went to get a coffee, chat with a friend, strolled through the rose and rock gardens in Gage park - the weather was absolutely perfect out ...goofy golfed, browsed barnes and noble, had a wonderful dinner at a nice hotel, and spent a little while at the library. my idea of a good birthday, for sure...

it's really POURING out there right now..i hope i don't lose power while i'm inspired to attempt blogging. it's rained so much this summer i can count the number of times i have watered the good sized garden out back on one hand. i love it, i feel the near nightly thunder in my bones, i hear the hammering on my roof and somwhow feel secure - i am in out of the weather. if not for the ceiling, i'd be soaked. sermon today on how we're the soon to be occupied city, the enemy king has come to the gate of our fortified wall to let us know we'll soon be overtaken and to offer us a ticket to keeping life and limb - sumbission to him. it's how it was done in old testament times, and it's a picture of how we can have life in Christ. God will judge, but it's not really what his heart is in. also, when life's getting you down, when you're upset, irrated, frustrated, and all out of sorts, go read up on revalation chapter 20..it tends to put all this in perspective again. you couldn't pay our intelligent, bighearted pastor to preach fire and brimstone..i suppose this is his version. i'm thankful to be in God's family, that's for sure. covered, safe, in out of the coming storm.

fourth of july, my oldest turning nine, sunflowers in bloom (i get such a kick out of planting a seed and watching the result grow to be taller than my 6' 3" husband ;)...summer is defintely in swing. i am working on inviting God into all areas of my life..handling my kids' sibling rivalry, being late for a meeting, the minutes after i've first awoken in the morning, second guessing if we should've traded in our snappy little focus wagon for a (albiet sensible for our growing family) new freestar van..it was an incredible deal, but it happened so fast and did bump up what we're spending for a vehicle monthly. All things, all happenings, all wonderings, all events, decisions, suprises, consequences laid when they arrive (or are noticed) at the feet of my Saviour with a request for help or wisdom or further instruction; thanksgiving, wonder, discouragement...an acknowledgement that Christ is my Lord; that all that comes to me is filtered through His knowledge and permission, that He is my help in times of trouble, my strength in weakness, my Father, my friend.

It escapes me more often than not - I am easily distracted and preoccupied. But I'm working on it...

kansas was baptized yesterday at lake shawnee with many friends around. a few other friends were baptized also, then we had a potluck and good conversations for quite awhile. our church is so homey, like a family, and the morning and afternoon times i spent with those fine people were so filling deep down where it matters. i'm thankful..for my son's faith and excitement to take it to this step...for how beautiful the lake was yesterday, how perfect the temperature of the breeze, for how incredibly cute all the toddlers were while playing in the mud they made at the beach while we laughed at them. Christ's body, living, working, resting together in harmony is so lovely.

the garden is growing, the tomatoes are babies, green little balls full of promise of glorious red spheres bursting with flavor, with summer itself in just a matter of weeks...the cukes are finally sprouting some raggedy edged leaves, telling me it's time to plant them in the ground to begin their viney, climbing labor which will produce solid green cool satisfaction soon also. i weed, i water, i wait..i thrill , i marvel at what time and weather can do to a giant sunflower seed - already they are half the height of me. i mulch, i mow, i dream...

the garden is growing, the tomatoes are babies, green little balls full of promise of glorious red spheres bursting with flavor, with summer itself in just a matter of weeks...the cukes are finally sprouting some raggedy edged leaves, telling me it's time to plant them in the ground to begin their viney, climbing labor which will produce solid green cool satisfaction soon also. i weed, i water, i wait..i thrill , i marvel at what time and weather can do to a giant sunflower seed - already they are half the height of me. i mulch, i mow, i dream...

went to a friend's farm today..kansas in the spring, grey cloudy day, bright green grass, tan wheat field against the chalky sky. helped chase the goats out of the pea patch, looked at a buffalo head hanging from a tree, drying...played with boxer puppies, horses, and one heartbreaking kitten. fading red paint barn, wildflowers here and there, old, old trees, stately and sheltering; breaking up the gently rolling prarie. driving back down the long dirt gravel roads we spied three quails and a rabbit..the air was intoxicating, hinting at rain, touching on humid. heaven in the heartland.

went to a wedding last saturday they read poetry classical music was played she was so different in satiny white than the birkenstocked overalled comfort sweater she was usually found wearing he was calm and confident he was right for her they asked us for help and surroundings of wisdom advice listening ears and room to grow they kissed long and often that day they danced dipping in happy tears they thanked us for sharing this day this once in a lifetime communion of their covenant they wore grace my daughter was starry eyed at the sight near perfect night

why do i eat so much at night? and why so much sugar? why don't i read and take my shower (after a day of gardening, 'lifeguarding' in my backyard, riding my bike with lucy in the little backseat in the late-may-but-feels-like-august heat) instead of putzing about cyberspace, cereal bowl at hand, frozen snickers on my mind..why oh why did i eat that pie (even after i knew what the calorie count was even after i read that eat healthier magazine while on the treadmill last night)? oh, the y will not for long stave off the implications of these binges this nightly ritual the sweet consolation after another day that exhausted all my resources but one - still, why?

spent the better part of today standing in a crowd facing the Monroe school in Topeka, where it was being dedicated as a national historic site. fifty years ago today, the supreme court unanimously decided that it was unamerican and against our nation's constitition to allow segragation in the public schools to continue (legally, at least) in response to several lawsuits filed by families including little seven year old carol brown's father. she was there today to speak (and to introduce the president), along with many other dignitaries and civil rights leaders including the rev. jesse jackson and the rev. fred shuttlesworth, who i could've listened to for another hour at least, with his biblical refrences to the cause of civil rights and his sharply honed wit.

i felt a responsibility to be there, to show support of a cause i firmly believe in. all my life i have been angered by predjudice, injustice, people looking down their noses at other people just because they looked different, were of a different race - just because of the color of their skin. and not only looking down their noses - we cannot forget ugly scars on america's historical landscape like the kkk, lynching, unfair trials, slavery, the list goes on. today i heard about children - children! who chose courage over fear and walked through lines of discrimination, endured ridicule, beatings, poor conditions, unfair accusations - in the name of trying to get an education.

i believe that God is sympathetic to the poor, the downtrodden, the shunned, the humiliated. i believe that he put that fire in me, to some degree..and i was glad to have the opportunity to be among many, many like minded people today.

last night bible study ended early..a rarity since we all love to sit around and talk after the video and prayer time. i had not had a chance to give waterdeep's new live cd a good listen, so i headed out of our small town with it on loud, windows down, the weather intoxicatingly hovering between warm and cool. i was heading to the auburn cemetary, where there is a long road that ends at an entrance to a ranchers field - gravestones on one side, hilly fields ending in one of those glorious kansas sunsets on the other. this time, though, i was in for a suprise. as soon as i drove over the first hill, i was greeted by the sight of a large herd of buffalo. now i had heard about these animals roaming here, and chad claimed to have gotten a far away look at them, but in the almost five years we've lived in these parts they had been just ghosts to me. but here they were, turning their giant brown wooly heads to stare at me, their wide set eyes blinking slowly. i got out of the car just grinning, i turned to look at the low full moon, back to see the blazing sunset, buffalo close enough to touch in the middle. i stayed for awhile, just in awe of the evening, of the suprise, of the magnifigance of these beasts, these relics of the old wild west, right here in my backyard. i grinned again to think of God, looking down at me, having just handed his child a yellow frosted cupcake and a glass of cold milk, and permission to go enjoy them out at the picnic table; having whispered in my ear how close He was, how real, how here. it was hard to pull away...i slowly drove back down that long road, gravestones on one side, remains of a fantastic kansas sunset on the other, and a rather large herd of buffalo in my rearview mirror.

mmm...a five hour run from waterdeep on saturday night - it was good to be there. it's a little sad that it was the "farewell to touring" show, but knowing them, I can't imagine there not being a slam bang kickin' reunion tour oh say, next year...

it was so good also to see friends..the kind of friends you can not see for months, even years - and pick up right where you left off. and of course it was fun to meet some new faces and just be at the new earth. even with the giant realtor 'for sale' sign out front...

another lucy one...i just had to share - she hates when i leave for work (it's rather rare, but i do go in now and then), so today when she saw me tying my shoes and gathering my things she said "Mom! are you going somewhere??" to which i replied, "Yes, honey; to the MOON!!" she pondered this for a moment, then said "well, can you just go to work?"

at the moment lucy's parading around the house, doll in one hand, bell-on-a-stick in the other, singing at the top of her lungs - "and i'm so happy, so very happy, i have the love of Jesus in my heart!!"

i guess all the movies she's been in so far have slipped right under my radar screen, but it's just recently been brought to my attention that judy greer, currently working in hollywood, is the same judy (evans) that i had a ball with in and out of acting classes in high school. i dug out my yearbook and sure enough, there we were, in all our black and white glory, in various poses from A Thurber Carnival. Look for her in 13 going on 30, opening this week. Huh.

i talked to my dad yesterday and discovered that he'd up and sold the farm...the house he bought when i was six months old will be home no more as of the last week in june. it's strange, it's unsettling to find out how tied i can become to things of this earth, as well as how stinking sentimental i get sometimes. i think back to two christmases ago, the last time we visited...the last time i'd walk on the brick red dining room floor, the last time i'd do laundry in the basement among my dad's vast (and well organized) tool collection, the last time i'd tuck my kids in for sleep in the upstairs room my parents had painted pink in 1972 for their baby girls. so many memories there, such a deep sense of belonging all over that property. my dad told me that he'd sold it to a family with three little girls of their own, and that made me smile. as i'm losing my sense of balance in what i can now go back to when i'm in michigan, i'm hoping those little girls will grow up climbing the ancient apple tree in the backyard, swinging their legs under the kitchen counter perched on those high stools, sitting on the smooth front porch among the yews, elbows on knees, chins in palms, contemplating plans for that particular summer day...i hope they love that it's only a two block bike ride to the neighborhood park, that the sloping black driveway is fun to shovel in the winter, that they have a root celler and a laundry chute and back closets in the upstairs bedrooms to explore. i wonder if they will dig up my stash of quarters under my old bedroom window.
i hope, as i am losing this for myself, that it will be a house that becomes a home to them. i hope their parents take really good care of the place. and i hope i can stomach staying in a finished basement of a condo surrounded by displaced memorabilia next time i'm in town...

recovering from spring break - we didn't go anywhere special, just having all three kiddos home all day every day took some getting used to. I'm trying to look on the bright side of the upcoming summer, instead of worrying about what in the world we're going to do all day. the last two days i've spent greasing my rusty politically active arm...an issue having to do with our little town losing the close by bigger town's wonderful library services - our own city council is working against us, and we're in a race to call all the folks we know to get them to call their senators by tomorrow or else...or else we're going to start a PETITION, doggone it! fire and bookworms uniting in little ol kansas...

but the spring trees are blooming, the forsythias are in all their yellow glory, the grass is getting greener with every nighttime blast of nitrogen charged lightning, it's a fine time of year to be living in tornado alley.

oh, and watch yourself. tomorrow's april fools day :)

"treat your mind like a bad neighborhood...don't go there alone"

sound advice if i ever heard it.

life is not always fair and free, life is downright mean spirited sometimes. underneath the current pushy tickertape of the daily news of me, i can sometimes find inspiration, though...today, i would've liked to respond to the developing top story with a three musketeers in one hand and the manuel entitled "how to reconnect with the mother you never knew after a friend of hers unwittingly gets in touch with you and she herself has to write and apologize for intruding into your otherwise probably perfect life" in the other, but it was not to be so. i searched around the edges and came up with a mess of granny smith apples and an uncanny desire to once again try my hand at pastry-making from scratch (enough time lapses between these urges that i forget the heavy flour/pie crust crumb dusting my kitchen ends up with when i venture there)...
what came out was a not so bad homemade apple pie sporting a fabulous crust, and some peace of mind for me. that amy charmichael was right about doing the next thing; it heartens, it empowers to accomplish the small what you can under the looming shadow of what you cannot.

"Could we with ink the ocean fill,
and were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
and every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
though stretched from sky to sky."

found penciled on a wall in the room of a patient in an insane asylum...i am encouraged in that what we can't see or understand, He does, and can, in perfect clarity. So we can trust him perfectly.

"Though she may forget, I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..."

*************************************
He not only fills in the empty places, he plants fields of wildflowers there.
I am blessed to be His daughter.

there is a calm place in me tonight that used to be filled with anxiety, fear, anger, dread. there is a knowing whose hands i am in, whose will it is for there to be breath in my lungs, oxygen in my blood. there is still a gaping hole where solid trust should be, and it is scary from a distance, but not up close today - i can't feel the emptiness yawning around me like a canyon as i so often have today. to come to a place in the midst of a struggle with another person where you can breathe, where you can put your hand in the hand of Jesus and lean into him, and with wonder - wonder! - ponder what it is that he is doing there, in your desert, in your shadow of yet another fading mirage, what he is up to and how he will see you through; confidence in his love, his perfect father plan letting you feel light inside...this is nothing short of miraculous. but that is the God who claims us, yes? a God of miracles, within and without us, the same yesterday, today, and forever.

this weekend we went to an 80's party (can you think of a greater way to spend a friday night ? ;) ...

...and i went with a friend to a watercolor workshop in kansas city.



chad's off to see the billions in lawrence tonight..no pics, but you can still catch the show if you read this not too long after i post it :)

..as it rained, it froze; and it rained a lot. we're living in iceland, a wonderland where everything the sun touches glimmers and shines, and the icicles jutting down from stop signs, streetlights, and fence posts alike are longer than i ever remember seeing in kansas. now if it only weren't so darned COLD...

Hmm... shows up #17 on an MSN search for "calories burned playing guitar". Really, I didn't blog those words in that order...I don't even PLAY guitar. HA!

so i've managed to beat that nasty flu bug once more...no fun, for sure, but it's nice to come out on the other side in one piece (which, as some of you probably know, absolutely does not seem possible as you're navigating the rolling waves that have replaced the floor between your bed and your bathroom)...

Anyway...c was a trooper and took care of just about everything except laundry for three whole days - kudos aplenty to him. i watched way too much bad tv (do we really have nothing else to debate about in this country besides whether michael jackson really, after all, IS a child molester ???), lost a pound or two, and actually got a sore ear from having it pressed to my pillow for so long.

But despite this and other little trials and yukky stuff I've had to deal with lately, I am thankful. To God. For my overall health, for my family and friends, for warm socks and
good books and an upcoming all day watercolor class. I'm working on that resolution to just try and see the glass as half full once in a while, and I'm finding it rather...settling.

lots of frigid temperatures and ice, no snow, though...the residue over this kansas land is a grimy chalky mess - not too pretty or inspiring. we're shivering with our shoulders up to our ears, we're drying out in the forced hot blowing air..we don't wash the streaks of salt off of the car because we know that in this weather and trek from rural landscape to town cleaning it is an exercise in futility - it will not stick. the festivities are a memory, spring is a distant hope, she rides a slow train towards us through fair fields blooming brightly with flowers, with tree buds, with green life...her hands are in her lap and she is dozing, the soft clacking rhythm her lullaby, far far from here. i clean out closets, i take the kids to the library, i throw an extra blanket on everybody at night, i wait for it to be civil outdoors. i finished marcia ford's 'memoir of a misfit' - lovely book, i've already lent it out; and now i'm reading 'walk on - the spiritual journey of u2' by steve stockman, along with the ezzo's 'preteen wise - parenting your child from eight to twelve years' because it's been brought to my attention by this comment and that awareness lately that my oldest son is indeed exiting little kid-dom and what next? here's to a shot at preparedness...

happy january, that no mans land month.

enjoying my Christmas present to me - natalie merchant's 'the house carpenter's daughter'. wonderful stuff, etheral and gritty at the same time, echos of history sung clearly, folk in its glory. i recommend you give it a listen...

my brand new niece lies in an incubator across the atlantic from me, weighing not quite four pounds, in a hospital forty five minutes away from her mom, papa, and big brothers. i need to be there, but i just don't think i'll get my christmas wish this year. if you come here and you're the praying sort, you sure can pray that little hannah marie will grow and stay healthy and get to go home soon...

mmm...pomegranates.

ready or not, here come the holidays. thanksgiving is next week already...i, the sentimental dreamer, can still be found gazing out the kitchen window at the scraps of last summer still hanging on...the purple and white swirly rubber ball wedged under the deck, the baby blue plastic colander tilting atop the sand pile, the rusting red grill, stoically waiting to be wheeled around to the garage, thus hailing winter, or at least autumn. i know we've gone on the field trip with jesse's kindergarten class to the pumpkin patch, i know our porch mums are nodding their round heads off to brittle brown sleep, i know my one year anniversary to having joined the y and our nine year anniversary to signing our marriage license is fast approaching, yet my mind cannot wrap itself around turkey centered feasting, snow crunching under my nikes, the moon reduced to a thin white pebble far, far away...not just yet. i'm stuck in the purgatory of between-seasons, i'm suspended between recollection and reality, i'm fine here for today, thank you. i've got one more barefoot run in the grass to let loose in, one more push for lucy in the yellow swing at the park, laughing with her in the sun. shivering cold will come soon enough, and i'll look for the treasures under the rocks of winters' days when they can no longer be ignored...but i'll take ignorance's bliss this day and pretend it can go on for a good long while...

kansas (the eight year old) wants to know...

"if twelve o clock at night is called midnight, then how is one o clock in the morning morning already?"

any wiser parents than i out there?

four days ago some good friends of ours had a beautiful baby boy - their first child...and yesterday a fourth grader from our kids' school died of a seizure - i attend a bible study with the mom whose home this happened at (the girl was visiting a friend, they were going to eat dinner and go to awana together. she was the only child of a single mother...)

the soaring, miraculous heights collide with the depths of human despair and pain this week in our little world.

life is charging by at an alarming pace for us these days...work, basketball for the boys, lucy's a flower girl in another wedding, mops, bible studies - one for me, one with the whole family, holidays, school field trips, correspondence, going to the y, friends having babies, church, choir for kansas, cooking, cleaning, shopping, my determination to make it to at least one cider mill this fall, kids making new friends and organizing times to play with them, remoldeling our basement, email, putting together shoeboxes for operation christmas child (a wonderful and worthwhile project we happily support) by the middle of november...the list goes on and on; much more than a calgon moment could make a dent in, daydreaming at stoplights only makes things worse, falling into bed exhausted at the end of long day after long day is my reprieve. even so, i don't think i would trade it...for the joy set before me i'll endure just about anything.

yesterday my little one year old ford focus wagon had to be towed away from an accident scene. Chad and Jesse (my almost six year old) were the only ones in the car when it was crashed into by a couple of high school kids on their way home from football practice, blowing off a stop sign at a country intersection. the only one who got hurt was the driver of the other car, who had to be hospitalized. strange to think of someone lying in a hospital bed from having smashed into my car...c and jesse are fine, not a scratch. two days ago another guy was killed in a car wreck on that very road...sure gives one pause. i really can't imagine getting a phone call with worse news than i got yesterday, and my loss there only entailed a piece of machinery. i stop, i shudder...i take a deep breath, i give solemn thanks to God, who doesn't miss a thing -not a sparrow, not a liquid grey family car on a collision course.

Sometimes it's all I can do to get the dishes and laundry maintained for the day. This morning I said "I'll clean the bathroom at least since I don't think I'll get to cleaning out the garage later." I actually did neither.
I went to see the old man. He had given up on getting out of bed - tired of trying to go on without her. Through my mind passed all of the things I was probably supposed to do and say...get him to the doctor, get him on antidepressants, get him to the dairy queen or out to the lake more often...but what I realized after that barrage, what I'd known really since the moment I'd walked in and seen him lying on his side under the covers at four thirty in the afternoon was that to deprive him of his grief in any way would be highway robbery, that his soul would not be pacified, that the hole in his heart could not be patched over with a flimsy band-aid. So I sat down in the yellow chair next to his bed. I just sat there with him, I opened myself to his pain, I let him give it to me...it wasn't a burden that could be passed on in it's entirety, though, so we shared it. Half of his heavy load lay in my lap, my head lay in my hand, my eyelids lay against my eyes. In silence we shared minutes, shared an hour, I didn't know how to leave. The room darkened, his breathing slowed, became heavy.
I crept out the door to my car, under the waxing moon I cried it out. Sometimes that's really all you can do.

grey patched glow white pebble high
surrounded by blue black inky night
driving down old cold country roads
feeling the bite as autumn arrives

sentimentality takes my mind
to childhood apple happy times
cider mill field trips hayrack rides
warm brown cinnamon donut smiles

wax paper crayon rubbings of leaves
stopping to smell the crisp earthy breeze
flying by black eyed susan sea
my ten speed raleigh my wings, my ease

so i come home from work the other night to the following account...jesse was reading a book to lucy, and she suddenly had to run to her room for something. she said to her brother, "can you pause?", ran there and back, and then commanded "ok, play!", sitting down to resume listening. toddlers in the technological age...

got a letter from a mother
mourning the choices of her daughter
made me wonder how you let go
altogether in the end
watched my three year old lucy
paint and play and ask and imagine
made me marvel at the thought i'd someday
have her for a grown up friend
just how much of our input
sticks forever in their psyches
forms their choices and opinions
revelations, nods and bends
what of all the timeless moments
strung together like round glass beads
entwining our overlapping lifetimes -
will we restore those things that slipped through the cracks,
the tears in the fabric - will they heal? will they mend?

"I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work."
- Thomas Edison

we have seen rainbows aplenty out here this last week. after a storm, or a day of drizzle, there one will appear in all it's watercolored glory for us to smile at, nudge each other over. we may not be able to see God face to face, but a sign of one of His everlasting covenants right there in the sky over my house is sure encouraging.

so...did anyone else catch simon and garfunkel on letterman last night? i've just always had a thing for those harmonies...

we had a busy weekend...kansas went to play at a friends farm, we went twice to see hot air balloons up close at the huff n puff rally out by lake shawnee, chad recorded a harmonica part for a friend's cd, jesse worked on learning to read, we watched strange brew - my #1 high school cult classic, went to church, had a picnic, saw a free bluegrass show at the library, napped, ate big salads, and helped lucy with many puzzles. and i'm just getting around to telling you all about it on tuesday...i guess we're having a busy week, too. life...

comments are back! celebrate away...

"You can't help but remember what Faulkner is alleged to have said when asked whether he wrote daily or only when the inspiration hit him. It's said he replied that he wrote only when the inspiration came, but that he made sure it came every morning at ten o'clock sharp when he sat down at his desk."
- Rick Bass

ah, the discipline of inspiration...a conundrum, to be sure, but a surer bet than winging it.

kids...

there they are, just
growing up
in front of God and everybody all
fits and scraped knees,
blown up red faced kickabilly
chewed green army men
pencils fingernails
spilled milk
grass stained and
bug bite itchy.

i think what they need from us
is time
space and
most of all really a whole lot of grace.

this morning, out early driving...there is such a glory to the beginning of the day, a glossy bright newness. that shiny blue sky, peach-grey tinged clouds sweeping by slowly on the crisp new breeze - i think it's a part of God's mercy that is new every morning...a visual for the spiritual reality that no matter how dark and late last night became, it's just a few hours to redemption.

kansas, my eight year old, asked me today - "mom, who are the starbucks?"

heh. would've made a great band name...

have you ever been out in public, like a concert or a store, or a kite flying show, and the feeling crept up on you that someone was standing a little too close? you looked around, and sure enough, someone had mistakenly backed a little too far into your comfort zone. you either stepped away, or they noticed and moved themselves...keeping that space free and clear of that feeling of a small violation. that's what lonliness feels like to me - a large, lurking presence, standing too close, taking up some of my air space, sometimes even making it a little hard to breathe. sometimes i can make it dissipate, but usually i just have to let the thing tag along, uncomfortable in it's clutches, but it is not polite and respectful of my personal space, and i don't know how to back away. I am a person that likes my solitude pretty often, but this is different...I don't choose when it comes or how long it stays.

c is gone for a few or more days to try to sort himself out. my kids, God bless 'em, are doing a good job of keeping me sane and in the day. it's just that other presence...i can't quite befriend.

are chain smokers
more likely to survive a house fire
more used to smoke inhalation
than those who don't and are
clubgoers
more likely to survive an earthquake
more used to gyrating moving shaking
than those who don't and are
roller coaster addicts
more likely to survive loving someone
more used to highs and lows
wrenching stomachs soaring hearts
than those who won't?

happy birthday to me! and in honor of the big event, i've gone and preordered over the rhine's new double album. can't wait to hear it, but i've got to, for a few more weeks...

top 5 requested car tunes from the barker kids this summer :
1-yellow submarine, beatles
2-good day sunshine, beatles
3-SOS, pegtop
4-pop goes the weasel, ella jenkins and some 3 and 4 year olds from the Lake Meadows Nursery School
and
5-never felt this way before, billions

(i just love watching jesse belt out the chorus to that last one...he's right there...)

sortof sad tired to the bone three THREE trips to town today the y a doctors appointment and work now i smell like espresso grounds i really don't mind lightning outside drove through driving rain tonight hollowed out gut fatigued why though the sadness? i really do not know no end to this busyness this summer but it will come, it will break into a low leisurely autumn, yes? one can hope in the glaring heat, the troubled sky nights (not that i don't dearly appreciate a good rousing thunderstorm, but this one this week's in pieces - last night all we had was hard wind and a bit of flash, tonight it's the rain - tomorrow the dark clouds, perhaps? unsettling...) so here i go, heading for my thirty first year i had no idea i'd still be aware at thirty one so aware of the child within - i'm beginning to believe she'll always be there.

sometimes i can walk into barnes and noble and just browse...find a reference book on clearance to leaf through, gaze through the oversized art books, grin around the humor section, read a newspaper, listen to the samplings of the latest cd's from the worlds of jazz, folk, whatever...

...and then there are times i am unexpectedly drawn to shop in there - like to walk out empty handed would be a loss of some sort. i need a magazine, some new stationary, a birthday gift, of course a card to go with the gift...i need coffee from the starbucks located INSIDE my b+n, and then i head to the childrens section where i am sucked in completely by all the cute, fun, educational merchandise that my kids need for rationales that only seem silly now that i'm home, away from the unexplained lure.

i've always been a bookstore junkie, and in my current town, it's the only thing besides walmart open past 9 or 10. what's a girl to do? i chalk it up to the idea that there are much worse addictions, i'm not so bad off...

it was hot so hot outside so
i got the largest iced tea but
when me + my new york times sat
down for some company it happened to be
directly under the maroon painted vent blowing cold air
onto the only available wing backed chair
and so i froze goosebump chilly, too
chilly indeed to enjoy
that extra large
iced tea

first it was the flood in our basement, now we have the unwelcome (and expensive) problem of...termites. i'm beginning to feel either like pharoah or job.

5 days away...from the sunflower state to the sunshine state.
saw the sun set from the plane
swam in the salty aqua blue ocean
collected tan white spiney shells
watched my children squeal as they ran from incoming wave after wave
somehow didn't get sunburned

ate grilled jamaican jerk chicken
sweet potato pancakes
passion fruit chiffon cheesecake
warm brie
out of this world eclairs

posed with mickey
gawked at the magic kingdom castle
paid way too much for water and popsicles
while walking in the heat of a florida afternoon to ride
after attraction
after show
after parade
snapping pictures and delighting
in watching my kids have an absolute blast

flew home
went to bed early
still have to finish that unpleasant task
of unpacking

"The really wonderful moments of joy in this world are not the moments of self-satisfaction, but self-forgetfulness. Standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon and contemplating your own greatness is pathological. At such moments we are made for a magnificent joy that comes from outside ourselves. And each of these rare and precious moments in life (beside the Canyon, before the Alps, and under the stars) is an echo of a far greater excellence, namely, the glory of God...The more the Hubble Telescope sends back to us about the unfathomable depths of space, the more we should stand in awe of God. The disproportion between us and the universe is a parable about the disproportion between us and God. And it is an understatement."

- John Piper, from his book 'Don't Waste Your Life'

i'm balancing out my hour and a half workout at the y this morning with a cherry vanilla coke float...it's all about keeping things in perspective, right?

kids ask questions nearly incessantly...it is quite subconcious, this need they have to find out about the world around them. they have a keen curiousity and an unashamed way of satiating it. when we grow up, do we not ask as many questions because of our fear of the answers, or worse, not getting any answers at all? sometimes we cannot even form words around the questions that tumble haphazardly around our hearts and minds like tennis shoes in a clothes dryer. sometimes we simply don't want to expand our understanding any further - we've gotten all the answers we want out of life, we hole up, we coast. may it be that i retain some sense of wonderment, of being suprised by something and wanting to know more, of knowing that i don't know it all... that i can still form opinions, that i still have a ways to go in this wide world before i come to the next one.

having some blogger/template difficulties...look for something a bit more eye appealing and reappearing comments soon!

this morning is clear and bright and i could run
run out the door and down the street
past the houses and the school and the post
office past the two slow donkeys in thier little green field past
one two three churches past this town onto blacktop highway solid
white line beside i could run far and fast and free past
all my fears and insecurity i could
run until my lungs burned and then lay down in some
farmer's meadow under the shade of a cottenwood tree
and
i
could
just
breathe.

from Augustine's "Confessions"..."What is is therefore that goes on within the soul, since it takes greater delight if things that it loves are found or restored to it than if it had always possessed them?...Everywhere a greater joy is preceded by a greater suffering."

reading Philip Yancey's "Where is God When it Hurts?, mulling over the idea of pain being a gift (think of leprosy patients), of suffering preceeding a joy that could not have been had any other way, thinking about "our light and momentary troubles achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all". the point of suffering, the purpose of pain, the strength and character gained through the things we hate to go through...if we choose that way over anger and bitterness, fear and mistrust.

yikes again!

i'm eating chocolate covered sunflower seeds...how the heck do they make these things?

i was lying in bed reading clara mondschein's melancholia when my two year old lucy tottered in, rosy cheeked, freshly awoken from her afternoon nap. she crawled in with me and after inspecting her freshly splinter-freed, elmo bandaged big toe turned to me and said "mom, i really love you a lot."

i almost don't want to blog this stuff, it's so wrenching...but i guess i just want to prepare you so far kidless folks who read these entries, or remind you parents of now fellow grown ups here just how easily one can be moved to tears with absolutely no notice by a mini person that did not even exist three short years ago, that takes up about the same amount of space as a half a stack of encyclopedias, that bears your name and sometimes even parts of your personality, your face. it's amazing...just amazing.

last night we realized that we are missing kansas' birth certificate...the notarized one, the one that's supposed to be in our - his parents' - safekeeping...needless to say, this was greatly disturbing to me...as well as inconvienient - we need it to send a copy with his application for a state online charter school this week. after searching through every place i could think of (besides the one place where i knew it was last) i checked out the federal government's website for information on replacing it, if it should come to that. here's a direct quote from there..."USAIS (United States of America Immigration Services) has made it simple to obtain your Vital Record Certificate from the comfort of your home. Using our Web based System you will be able to obtain your Birth, Death, or Marriage Certificate efficiently, saving you both time and money."

good to know, in case i ever lose my death certificate, that i will be able to obtain a copy of it from the comfort of my own home...

Yikes!!!

reading the lauren hill interview in the latest mars hill review has got me thinking - about the wide world of christian marketing's need for seperation of church and all that's not church, the real and needed place for material written for the believer's encouragement, what's in a conversion from one religion to another under the umbrella of the same God, the (highly relatable for me) preference for memior vs. apologetics for growth in understanding what this walk is all about anyway...and on and on. i encourage you to pick one up and read it, if this sort of thing interests you. i'll be here, chewing.

i love those times when in my frailty i can, like a proud beaming child, point to my God and say "MY daddy can do ANYTHING!"

about a year and a half ago we were having great philisophical discussions around here about bob dylan's singing voice...why, when he had obvious talent to sing well, did he choose to grind every other word of his well penned songs out of his nose, and hard...? why did he choose to adopt a voice that grated on many people's nerves and caused him to be even more oddly thought of as he was to begin with? arrogance, perhaps, or even anger fueled this strange choice. oh, we had a heyday of speculation, to be sure...chad even wrote a paper on the subject for a class. but yesterday i thought of something new. while listening to some of his very early recordings mixed with later hits on a compilation, it occured to me that maybe his choice to sing that way was an extension of his fierce privacy and reluctance to speak with reporters and biographers...we, the outside world, were not going to get his story, his comments, or even his real voice. like so many shy people i knew who could play loud, abrasive, or ridiculous characters in the theatre, his real self remained hidden behind a charicature on stage - and the transition between real and affected was too emotionally difficult for him to cross over and back at will. a defense mechanism. as figel of 321 penguins says, "it's a theory, anyway."

you cannot have resurrection life without first dying...

i just noticed that my last three posts were made on a tuesday, and here i am doing it again. i wonder why tuesday has become blogging day for me...?

so...we are having a time finding a sitter so we can go see waterdeep this saturday - one of the downfalls of the show being on easter weekend. it's been downright hot here the last few days - the mercury rose to 90 yesterday. hot and windy - weather i want to stick my head in the sand to avoid. and it's hard to drive in. there are major issues in my life - cleaning out and fixing my basement, taxes, childrearing, etc - that i am currently struggling with. worrying, nursing discontent, even anger at these loose ends that should have been tied up already, or that flail in the breeze making it hard for me to grab on to. but i'm remembering more these days to take them to God, to try to leave them there, and to set my hope in Him...balancing this world temporary and that life eternal has always eluded me though, it's difficult.

in the last four days, we've been home only to sleep two nights. today i'm looking around at my trashed house, no floor space to be seen from the bags, backpacks, and general chaos - i'm a bit overwhelmed. i need time to process the events of friday...the death of chad's grandmother, kindergarten roundup for jesse (me standing there in my p.j's that morning at 9:00 am after the whirlwhind of getting chad and kansas off for the day with the realization dawning on me that i was supposed to be at school right at that moment for the parent's meeting without lucy in tow...not happening. we were late and she squirmed on my lap...) where was i? the great marriage conference we left for on friday afternoon after learning the news of grandma barker...we were glad we had seen her just the evening before, but it was impossible to process the thought of her being gone while heading out of town as the rest of the family was flying or driving in...the time away and the lessons learned at the conference are going to be priceless when we get around to following up with it. the funeral yesterday, the deep, hard to answer questions from my kids...the afternoon and evening spent with family and friends...the distracting basketball game. chad has nursed a debilitating toothache through this all. my kids are having a terrible time giving me these moments to write even now...i've been looking forward to their naptime today since last thursday...

i'll try to get to my little blog more often, when i have some time to :).

our water damaged basement, chad's crashed hard drive, and now his grandma is in the hospital again, and they don't think she'll make it two more weeks. they say these things come in threes, but do they have to come like a series of joe louis knockouts?

can you miss something that you never knew?

ug...the main drain's plugged. our basement, it did flood. for days we've worked and shrugged...shop vacs and dehumidifiers we've lugged. we pulled the carpet up, the pad - when you walked on it went "schlup". can't take much more of this uncertain struggle- about time to call the plumber up.

(this complaint brought to you by the phonetic short 'u' sound)

jesse, lucy, and i went and had lunch at school with kansas today...when a parent comes like that, their child is allowed to choose two friends to sit with along with mom or dad at a special table. kansas chose a very cute and talkative little brown-eyed girl (who gave me the initial impression that she had influential older sisters, and as it turned out, she does :) - and he also chose the class troublemaker - remember the kid who set his desk on fire? he looks like one of the little rascals (think alfalfa with red hair and freckles), but is very easy to talk to and was eager to share with me all the rotten things he's done this year...'true confessions at auburn elementary...'

it really took me back...one hollered room-encompassing scolding from the large marge-esque lunch lady, and i was in second grade all over again, but this time with a more refined sense of humor and a little more height. i watched my kansas go through the hot lunch line, raise his hand to ask for more ketchup, talk with his friends about recess and other kids, and race when he finished out to the playground swings. i swear, it really doesn't seem like so long ago that i was right there...different town, different life - same general idea. we hung around for the ten minute recess before heading back to the office to return our visitors pass. it's still a bit strange to have all this formality attached to seeing my kid during a normal day, but i guess that's part of letting him grow up.

...and today it's sunny and 62 degrees. i'm listening to Arlo Guthrie's Alice's Restaurant [18:31] via streaming online radio...fun stuff.
I was having revelations yesterday morning on the treadmill at the Y - revelations and trepidations, visions and fears. sometimes i see not just the whole picture, but the entire collection of picture possibilities and let me tell you - once you have children of your own, this can be an unwelcomingly blinding situation. I walked faster and faster as thoughts poured through my brain...thoughts of my kids out in this big bad world without a solid anchor, thoughts of inadequacy at motherhood because of my own mother jumping ship when i was two - my daughter's age now - thoughts of pictures i wanted to paint and music i wanted to make, thoughts of never standing on the northern california cliffs overlooking the pacific ever again, thoughts of claustrophobia in my yoga pants, thoughts of hungry children in third world countries, bombings, vacant eyed poverty, my own restlessness and my sometimes seemingly frozen options at this place in my life, thoughts of black and red and flourescent oranges and yellows that hurt my inner eyes...thoughts of something shapeless unraveling and a loss of control over it, thoughts of not understanding God, and being mostly confused at the way people have tried to explain Him, thoughts of armageddon and fire and endless cold unrelenting pouring rain like something out of a ray bradbury story. thoughts i wanted to write down and couldn't and that i knew would have escaped me when i did get to paper and a pen...all this while watching construction progress on the row of townhouses below me out the wide long windows i was facing, and four wall mounted t.v.'s blinking out seperate broadcasts above me. and the woman on the next treadmill over walking just a little bit faster than me the whole time. and coldplay loud in my ears, the wire from my cd player swinging in time to my stride. the track under my feet slowed for cool down, and i remembered to breathe. what gets me through these mental panic attacks? i think having learned that this too shall pass, i guess. that all i really have to hold is the moment i'm in. and that as little as i get what God's up to, I believe He's a good Father.

by the time i picked jesse and lucy up from their play i was satisfied to run our errands and go home for a nap. the sun was shining, the ice and dirty slush had evaporated into thin air, and while it wasn't costal, it wasn't a bad place to be either.

it's raining ice.

my mateys (resplendant in their pirate getup, wooden shoes, and cowboy hat...dontcha think?)

last minute wishes...i just discovered this gem. anne lamott and over the rhine at the same conference. in san diego. in three days. *SIGH*...

"Grief and tears water the ground at our feet; they are part of restoration." - a.l.

been sick in bed pretty much since last saturday, when i started feeling like i might be coming down with something. it's a particularly nasty cold, settled in my chest, plugging up my ears and giving me huge, painful sneezes at odd intervals. my advice for any fellow sickies out there in bloggerland...if all you have left in your medicine cabinet for this sort of thing is theraflu (the kind you mix with hot water, not the tablets) and you have to at least try for some relief...mix in a GENEROUS amount of honey after you've stirred in the powder. the stuff is most unsavory.

things i collect - part two.

memories
photographs
dust on just about every surface of my house...it's something i have a hard time getting around to.
kitchen gadgets - antique ones to add to my kitchen border; new ones to play with
cookbooks
cd's, mainly of friends, independent artists, and classic got-to-own goodies
pens
bags, leaning towards the hippy variety
board games
art supplies for me + my kids
catalogs - cbd, ll bean, pottery barn. when i've collected too many we make collages.
empty water bottles - but i don't mean to. i really should throw them away...
notebooks - we are rife with them. all of us here do a tremendous amount of drawing, writing, and general doodling.
educational placemats - nothing like discussing the nervous system, planetary order, or elmo's favorite colors while enjoying a meal.
credit card applications, which i now rip up and return to the sender at their expense, a tip i learned from the happily determined mary hunt.
chocolate
peace
hope
love
fisher price toys from the seventies - for old times sake.


i'm sure there's more, but you get the idea...

i've been a barista off and on for the last, oh, ten years or so. i've worked in quite a few coffeeshops in several states (i met my husband while employed at one in chicago), most recently helping out some friends who started up a new one in topeka. that was a year and a half ago, and the venture is proving itself to be a worthwhile one...i'm happy to be part of its scenery. to me, the occupation of barista falls between waitress - too business minded; and bartender - too technical...and it would probably be a difficult job to do as a christian. coffeeshops - good ones - have an organic soul, they attract a certain group of people that are earthy, into art, politics, or both; college kids, older single folks that talk to me while i pour their shots, steam their milk. my friends jim and cara would come in frequently in the last weeks before their first baby was born, playing chess, killing time. people reading, writing, talking quietly, eating scones, working on laptops. it's comfortable, a communal living room. and a nice break from my day job...

things i collect - part one.

mmm...

you should collect these, too, if you are able. they're delicious.

lately when i've experienced feelings of excitement over something, interest in something, joy, wonder, a spark of any kind, my thoughts have gone from that feeling to the idea that i want to feel that way about my relationship with God. did he not make me to feel these things? and i'm sure it isn't for the purpose of spending all of it on things of this earth, things in my little circle of concern. i want to know him as He knows himself, know him in His art of creation, His greatness and glory, His sacrificial love for me. i want to be excited about knowing Him, desiring to spend time with Him. Our kids are into these max lucado books right now - you are mine, you are special, and most recently, if i only had a green nose. these stories deal with a wooden puppet living in a town filled with wooden puppets, most of whom spend all their time trying to outdo each other in coolness and belonging via the latest fad. eli, the woodcarver who made them all, lives up a hill outside of the town and is generally feared scornfully by the 'wemmicks'. punchinello, the main character, goes to eli initially to meet him, and then sporadically throughout the other books as he's in need of rescuing...but other than those times is busy getting caught up in the popularity contests at quite a high price to himself every time. as i read these stories to my kids, i am wondering why little punchinello doesn't just spend more time at eli's - he's so much more levelheaded and feeling peace when he's at the woodcarvers shop. the time he wastes in town listening to lost wemmicks he exhibits foolishness and pride and ends up burned, lost and lonely every time. it's a beautiful picture of how we are, it's so simple and straightforward. i want to get off the hamster wheel for good, i want to know it's ok to do that. i want rest in my body and peace in my head. i'm so thankful that that's what He wants for me, too...i just have a lot of trouble remembering this in the thick of daily life.

saw waterdeep and sixpence in wichita last night...wd was wonderful, as usual, funky and fresh again - alive and kicking. it was a bit sad to see them just opening, though...they could've played for hours. sixpence was oddly dark. the sound was full, her vocals pretty...it just seemed as though something a bit awkward was transpiring in the whole thing. maybe it was the contrast with don + co., maybe that the guys in sixpence don't talk or sing - and it was short - they didn't seem to play much longer than their opener had. i've heard great things about their latest release - someone told me that this was the fourth or so night of their tour - getting used to the whole thing again, i guess...it's been awhile. leigh did have a blond braided somewhere around six or seven year old fan right up front by herself, dancing away with stars in her eyes.

misery...i've been in bed for three days with a killer cold. and now my throat is all swollen and sore - looks like i'll be paying a visit to my doc tomorrow. waste of a good half a week, if you ask me. i'm a terrible patient. and of course today in the mail something had to appear like the samaritans purse newsletter - a full color magazine showing picture after full blown picture of skinny, dirty children from the poorest countries on earth clutching brightly wrapped shoeboxes, grinning like mad. we'd helped the boys participate in this project over christmas, and the meaning very nearly got lost in all the other holiday shuffle, shopping, and travel - but here it looked me in the face again, in the midst of my grouchiness over having to have spent some time resting in my warm house and comfortable bed and feeling a little bad - here it was, this reminder of children dying of aids, children living in orphanages with dirt floors and one meal a day, children who were hearing for the first time ever that Jesus loves them very much. and i wasn't amidst the hustle and bustle of anything at the moment to distract me. i looked into their bright eyes, i read their stories, i cried at their innocence and their pain. oh, i wondered - when will i learn to disentangle myself from the preoccupation of self, here and now? God have mercy. *cough*