so, today i have a counseling appointment, then possible lunch with just chad (rare occurance), and then this afternoon rosa and i are planning to go paint pottery. it's a bit cloudy and not too cold, just my kind of day. been writing a lot lately, just looking around and describing what i observe, and some childhood memories...it's good to fill pages again. maybe i'll share some soon...

feeling like a cold, dense fog is lifting...watching the grass turn a little greener every day...the birds are singing loud and strong this week, as though they are announcing something - perhaps that the trees are budding? that spring is on the way? is there a malady or distress that can't be helped at least a little bit by the opening of a window to let a warm breeze in after it's been frigid for so long? it absolutely feels like narnia this year, the ice and darkness, the grey landscape is being replaced by running streams and blooming flowers, life is bursting from deadness and despair, and who am i to cast a shadow on that? i welcome the change now, i need it. it feels so good, and is an offering of hope for my weary soul.

hmmm...three restless nights in a row. tossing, turning, listning to the wind howl, listning to jesse talk in his sleep. three nights having half dreams...which always seem worse than whole ones...three nights knowing i'd wake up tired, three nights trying to pray and not quite making it past the ceiling. three nights counting wrongs, three nights cursing my sinful nature that has contributed to the sorry state we're in.
three nights in a row, i don't know if i'm up for four.

wonderful, simple, much needed article here , i encourage you to read it, and more from the "health topics" menu to the right of it.

something in me strains to catch a glimpse of the first signs of spring - then winces as the sunlight pours down. i am this way in so many areas...indecisive at best, discontent at worst, i guess. before i was married, i would give ear and follow every whimsical desire i heard myself 'need' - a day off of work, a night out with friends, a week or three in a car going anywhere but here...i was always labeled a 'free spirit'...i've learned since that noone's spirit is really free. in my acceptance of servanthood, even friendship - or the road to it anyway- with God, i've had to reject the idea of freedom of spirit, soul, and self - this heartily embraced idea is nothing more than the flashy wrapping and glittering bow on an empty box...so deceived was i that at times i still find it hard to remember that where i live, what i have, my plans for today can only be altered so much by me...that in the grand scheme of things, they are held in God's hand, and if i'm wanting to draw closer to Him, part of that entails following his lead instead of running ahead only to stumble and fall. the themes that speak loudly from His perfect Word need to be more imbedded in me - "give, love, trust, find joy in the lord, and learn to encourage yourself in Him, do not worry or complain...the list goes on. what peace He longs for us to live in, what resistance i build up to that notion when i fill my mind with doubt and distraction.

today i realized that our firstborn son is one third of the way to college...6, 12, 18. makes the years just shrink before my brain cells...

so...chad turns thirty somewhere between tomorrow and the next day...leap year is a funny thing. Kansas gave me a very strange look when i tried to explain it to him today.

i bought a copy of the call's the walls came down at hastings tonight on the way home from dan and rosa's. rosa and i had a meeting at the coffee shop and then went to her place, drank coffee and were highly entertained by her cats who were overtaken by the evening crazies - chasing each other's tails and such. i'd have cats but chad's allergic. i'm not allergic to percocet, the drug i'm taking because of this awful pain in the neck, but it does make me a bit lightheaded. oy.

spring is almost just around the corner, and i can't wait. it seems just what i need...just what many i know need - a fresh, fragrant breeze to lift us spiritual down-and-outers, a brightness in sky and blade of grass; a sparkle in river and rearview mirror...i hope we have some time when the warm air flows our way to take a good, long, cleansing drive to nowhere, to simply feel the tires roll under us and the wind against our outstreched palms. i'm aching to shake off the stuffiness of winter and the tight blinders of my mind and embrace once again the freedom i have to soak in what's good, to turn a blind eye to what's destructive, and to work some more on becoming whole. i know, the road to health and well being has more to do with what's inside me that what's without...it's just so inspirational to watch the first robin of the year hop around my front yard.

i am not from here, i
belong not with overalled men and rusty
tractors, with chewed tobacco, with
field after field, with
ramshackle

i am from there, that
skyscrapered city, that
sidewalked suburb, that
redwood forest, that
long road trip through the heart and to the outskirts
of america

but i find myself settled,
static, a home
owner here

i feel out of place in this
antirace, this
praried flinthilled place, this
supermarket parking lot full of old trucks
place, this
wide open space

but i am here
not knowing for how long i am
here...

and i can lament and give way to
memories of life more involved, more
fluid, farther away from
hicks and haystacks, from
crafty knicknacks

or i can rest, let
my soul find a bit of peace in these
rolling hills, these
endless clouds, these
rivers feeding trees at their banks

i can choose to
give thanks, i can
learn to live in
the moment without
regret

even

here.

yesterday was the first day of our homeschool group bowling league (the term 'league' used lightly...these are kids ranging in age from 3 to 9 :)...anyway, we get all figured out as to teams and lanes and they start bowling...when we notice that kansas' turn comes right after montana's...heh. they had fun, and somehow jesse knocked the socks off of the competition, winning both games by a landslide. later i worked at the coffeeshop, and our friend david was playing. it was a fun, busy, familiar night which i am too tired from but happy to have been a part of. ok, off to counseling...i'm a private person, but if some good comes out of the mess i tend to make of my life, who am i not to share with some potential have-to-learn-things-the-hard-way person like myself?

a bright and promising saturday to you all...

ugh. nothing worse than a stale blog. well, to be honest, i haven't felt like writing here much lately. maybe it's the post holiday letdown, the recent winter storm that has us all in its icy grip, or the impending marriage counseling appointment. let's just say that it's been a downer of a month in more ways than one. the good news is - i haven't completely given up. on God. on Chad. on me. so pray for us if you think about it, and i hope to post more happy and thoughtful things sometime in the near future.

i think i'll go to bed after this
i know i'll sleep and sleep
at last i'll be off in the ghostly grey dreamland
i feel like i'll be gone a week
i've stayed and stayed and stayed awake
much longer than sanity's keep
but time, after all, when it's squandered and spent
repays with a fee that's quite steep

i wonder what God thinks when he hears all of us discussing art and the Christian and CCM and marketing and selling out and what we should and shouldn't feed into our sensory experiences and the importance of how we feel and crossing over and the issues surrounding 'secular vs. sacred' and application of the argument that carpenters that happen to be Christians don't exclusively build churches to what's happening in the music scene today and making a buck ethically and personal taste and individuality...i just wonder what he thinks of it all. sometimes i think we forget that we in modern america are but a fragment of the body of Christ which spans tounges and tribes and years, but yet the character of God is timeless and his Word is unchanging. i debate and ponder, but always with a bit of reserve because i don't have comment on the issue at hand from the one whose opinion matters most.

"This was the year that I started defining myself less and less by my past, and more and more by my present and future. " sound relatable encouragement for me from noah (who, by the way, takes some pretty amazing pictures)

testing, 1,2

ok, i'm trying out a new comment system...again. hopefully, this one will stick around awhile, but i'm not holding my breath or anything.

it's funny that i look tall to my kids...knowing that they will all probably grow up to be taller than me.

my stomach hurts...too much on my mind. i think i'm going to cut my coffeeshop job down from two nights a week to only one...chaos was fine for the pre- and actual holidays, but i'm in that organize or bust stage, and some things just have to go. the piles of stuff around here have got to be gone through. we need to become involved in our homeschool support group. i need to carve out time every day for excercise of the spirit and body - gravity of the earth and its frailties are taking thier toll on me. i'm thankful for chad, who desires to accompany me in these endeavors, along with a few of his own. as much as i loathe scheduling and discipline, we need a bit of it right now. resolutions, here we come...