(conversation with almost seven year old jesse this morning over cereal...)

"do you want to take the bus or for me to drive you to school today?" (my grammer is nothing to write home about before say, eleven a.m.)

"take the bus, but i have two things to tell you about school."

"what are they?"

"well, the first thing... ...i forgot the first thing."

"ok, what was the second thing?"

"mom, they don't have to be in ORDER."

...

i don't get it. why, after the close of the first presidential debate, does the conversation immediately turn to possible voter shift - did people feel more safe with kerry, or with bush after hearing them debate for 90 minutes? who seemed more composed, relaxed, nonalarmist? who stood taller, smiled more (or less), followed the majority of the legion of rules concerning the debate itself? and how do all the answers to these questions affect voter opinion? were the undecided swayed one way or the other by relatively insignifigant etceteras and warm fuzzy feelings in response to one 90 minute show? what about the record? what about the facts over years and decades? what about the brass tacks - voting records, books authored, testimony from those who were there, who know well, who have stood by over time? are we so much a consumer minded culture that we can change an opinion on something so vital, so paramount as our choice for the next, in effect, world leader on the basis of one hour and a half of not so much new information, but just seeing the opponents sharing a stage for the first time? i believe that in the global landscape, there is no more important job held than our president's, and i find it hard to believe that the vote we cast, our small part in the democratic process that holds such far reaching implications could be decided on what amounts to little more than triviality. we knew where they stood on major issues before last night, and i doubt anything said in the next two debates is really going to bring out a new insight into either candidates proven character. undecideds, maybe instead of watching for a smirk, listening for a stumble over a word or perceiving an inflection, you ought to crack open a history book, chase the paper trail, check the track record - so that you can truly make an informed choice.

here,
here,
here,
here,
and here are a few places to get started...

"pictures painted hastily don't tell nothin' 'bout the heart" - victoria williams, who made some excellent music to listen to in the car.

i'm heading to nashville in a week with seven other mothers of preschoolers for the annual MOPS convention. i'm looking forward to time with these fine ladies, road trip fun, encouragement to pass on to our own MOPS group back home, and sending postcards to my kids..you have to understand, i haven't been anywhere by myself since before they were born. so chad will be running round the clock daddy day care for four days, and i have no idea what to expect the house to look like when i return. pray for us, as we're driving through the night on wednesday...

i've been struggling lately with some health issues, some financial issues, definitely some discouragement issues. i'm beginning to think that God is trying to get my attention, and i'm also starting to respond in a bit of wonder - He has something for me! something wise and wonderful, something helpful, something loving and right. he is my father, my protecter and provider, my rock and fortress. so today i'll try to remember to work on that trust issue, with a little patience thrown in for good measure. and soon i hope to report that he has filled me a good measure, and even overflowing - "pressed down, shaken together, and running over..." - and i see as i check my reference that those verses are all about giving. with the measure i use, it will be measured back to me. do unto others.

hmmm...

spent the morning with three four year old girls and their moms, the beginning of an impromptu tuesday morning preschool. my friend is a teacher by profession, stay at home mom by choice, and has lots of displaced energy as a result, thus - tuesdays with mommies. today we explored the kansas history museum where not only can you walk through displays of life sized buffalo, train engines, and roadside diners - you can also have a puppet show, dress up like laura ingalls, and play a real drum in a real tepee. they had a ball, and we had a good time watching their excitement and interaction. kids the same age have some striking similarities just because their birthdays are all around each others'; and also some stark differences because of the enviornments they live in, the way their parents relate, the stuff they watch (or don't watch) on t.v., and the God given bent in each of them. i see myself in my daughter, i feel protective of her vulnerability even as i allow her independence and teach her to deal with life as things happen to and around her. i'm feeling the pangs even now of her growing up - i can still hold her all i want to, but the day will come when it's a grown up hug instead of a preschooler squishy-tickle-squeeze on my lap, a twirl around and around on the grass in a park, a tucking into bed hearing her pray those precious and amazing little girl prayers. i'm glad, i'm blessed (not always in the day-to-day, but definitely in the pause-and-reflect), i'm in awe of this treasure and responsibility.

not bad for one tuesday morning...

ok

...this is the card that my almost seven year old made of his own volition for his sister on her fourth birthday, which was yesterday.

sometimes this overwhelming adventure is all worth it, and much more...

she found herself alone a lot; solitude grew on her as she passed through childhood like leaves on a tree in the springtime; grew thicker and fuller until by the time she turned twenty she only felt comfortable under the umbrella of it. she would venture out, but when out she was not herself, she wore her mask and lowered her voice; shook her hair around her face and quickened her pace. back in her little world she could relax, could pretend it was all she needed, that she had all she needed in herself. it was a mirrorless void where she played her melancholy music loud enough to drown out any possible argument, any seeming still small voice that might alert her to the gnawing she had detected deep down in her soul. she hung in the balance, she was breathless half the time. she could not know then how he would find her there, invade her careful circle with his brightness and love so pure it would break her heart in two; could never have known the way he would pick her up as she wept for the first time in many years, how he would put the pieces back together as he stroked her hair, kissed her brow..had she been given time to prepare he would have found only footprints in the snow fleeing out the open back door, but she would be eternally grateful for that holy suprise.

yesterday i turned 32. i'm taking it in stride, not too worried, still feeling plenty young. i sat in church in the morning, reflecting on how God created me, in His image, for a reason..that He knew and knows all about me, and loves me so much. we had swapped some babysitting, so in the afternoon/evening Chad and I went to get a coffee, chat with a friend, strolled through the rose and rock gardens in Gage park - the weather was absolutely perfect out ...goofy golfed, browsed barnes and noble, had a wonderful dinner at a nice hotel, and spent a little while at the library. my idea of a good birthday, for sure...

it's really POURING out there right now..i hope i don't lose power while i'm inspired to attempt blogging. it's rained so much this summer i can count the number of times i have watered the good sized garden out back on one hand. i love it, i feel the near nightly thunder in my bones, i hear the hammering on my roof and somwhow feel secure - i am in out of the weather. if not for the ceiling, i'd be soaked. sermon today on how we're the soon to be occupied city, the enemy king has come to the gate of our fortified wall to let us know we'll soon be overtaken and to offer us a ticket to keeping life and limb - sumbission to him. it's how it was done in old testament times, and it's a picture of how we can have life in Christ. God will judge, but it's not really what his heart is in. also, when life's getting you down, when you're upset, irrated, frustrated, and all out of sorts, go read up on revalation chapter 20..it tends to put all this in perspective again. you couldn't pay our intelligent, bighearted pastor to preach fire and brimstone..i suppose this is his version. i'm thankful to be in God's family, that's for sure. covered, safe, in out of the coming storm.

fourth of july, my oldest turning nine, sunflowers in bloom (i get such a kick out of planting a seed and watching the result grow to be taller than my 6' 3" husband ;)...summer is defintely in swing. i am working on inviting God into all areas of my life..handling my kids' sibling rivalry, being late for a meeting, the minutes after i've first awoken in the morning, second guessing if we should've traded in our snappy little focus wagon for a (albiet sensible for our growing family) new freestar van..it was an incredible deal, but it happened so fast and did bump up what we're spending for a vehicle monthly. All things, all happenings, all wonderings, all events, decisions, suprises, consequences laid when they arrive (or are noticed) at the feet of my Saviour with a request for help or wisdom or further instruction; thanksgiving, wonder, discouragement...an acknowledgement that Christ is my Lord; that all that comes to me is filtered through His knowledge and permission, that He is my help in times of trouble, my strength in weakness, my Father, my friend.

It escapes me more often than not - I am easily distracted and preoccupied. But I'm working on it...

kansas was baptized yesterday at lake shawnee with many friends around. a few other friends were baptized also, then we had a potluck and good conversations for quite awhile. our church is so homey, like a family, and the morning and afternoon times i spent with those fine people were so filling deep down where it matters. i'm thankful..for my son's faith and excitement to take it to this step...for how beautiful the lake was yesterday, how perfect the temperature of the breeze, for how incredibly cute all the toddlers were while playing in the mud they made at the beach while we laughed at them. Christ's body, living, working, resting together in harmony is so lovely.

the garden is growing, the tomatoes are babies, green little balls full of promise of glorious red spheres bursting with flavor, with summer itself in just a matter of weeks...the cukes are finally sprouting some raggedy edged leaves, telling me it's time to plant them in the ground to begin their viney, climbing labor which will produce solid green cool satisfaction soon also. i weed, i water, i wait..i thrill , i marvel at what time and weather can do to a giant sunflower seed - already they are half the height of me. i mulch, i mow, i dream...

the garden is growing, the tomatoes are babies, green little balls full of promise of glorious red spheres bursting with flavor, with summer itself in just a matter of weeks...the cukes are finally sprouting some raggedy edged leaves, telling me it's time to plant them in the ground to begin their viney, climbing labor which will produce solid green cool satisfaction soon also. i weed, i water, i wait..i thrill , i marvel at what time and weather can do to a giant sunflower seed - already they are half the height of me. i mulch, i mow, i dream...

went to a friend's farm today..kansas in the spring, grey cloudy day, bright green grass, tan wheat field against the chalky sky. helped chase the goats out of the pea patch, looked at a buffalo head hanging from a tree, drying...played with boxer puppies, horses, and one heartbreaking kitten. fading red paint barn, wildflowers here and there, old, old trees, stately and sheltering; breaking up the gently rolling prarie. driving back down the long dirt gravel roads we spied three quails and a rabbit..the air was intoxicating, hinting at rain, touching on humid. heaven in the heartland.

went to a wedding last saturday they read poetry classical music was played she was so different in satiny white than the birkenstocked overalled comfort sweater she was usually found wearing he was calm and confident he was right for her they asked us for help and surroundings of wisdom advice listening ears and room to grow they kissed long and often that day they danced dipping in happy tears they thanked us for sharing this day this once in a lifetime communion of their covenant they wore grace my daughter was starry eyed at the sight near perfect night

why do i eat so much at night? and why so much sugar? why don't i read and take my shower (after a day of gardening, 'lifeguarding' in my backyard, riding my bike with lucy in the little backseat in the late-may-but-feels-like-august heat) instead of putzing about cyberspace, cereal bowl at hand, frozen snickers on my mind..why oh why did i eat that pie (even after i knew what the calorie count was even after i read that eat healthier magazine while on the treadmill last night)? oh, the y will not for long stave off the implications of these binges this nightly ritual the sweet consolation after another day that exhausted all my resources but one - still, why?

spent the better part of today standing in a crowd facing the Monroe school in Topeka, where it was being dedicated as a national historic site. fifty years ago today, the supreme court unanimously decided that it was unamerican and against our nation's constitition to allow segragation in the public schools to continue (legally, at least) in response to several lawsuits filed by families including little seven year old carol brown's father. she was there today to speak (and to introduce the president), along with many other dignitaries and civil rights leaders including the rev. jesse jackson and the rev. fred shuttlesworth, who i could've listened to for another hour at least, with his biblical refrences to the cause of civil rights and his sharply honed wit.

i felt a responsibility to be there, to show support of a cause i firmly believe in. all my life i have been angered by predjudice, injustice, people looking down their noses at other people just because they looked different, were of a different race - just because of the color of their skin. and not only looking down their noses - we cannot forget ugly scars on america's historical landscape like the kkk, lynching, unfair trials, slavery, the list goes on. today i heard about children - children! who chose courage over fear and walked through lines of discrimination, endured ridicule, beatings, poor conditions, unfair accusations - in the name of trying to get an education.

i believe that God is sympathetic to the poor, the downtrodden, the shunned, the humiliated. i believe that he put that fire in me, to some degree..and i was glad to have the opportunity to be among many, many like minded people today.

last night bible study ended early..a rarity since we all love to sit around and talk after the video and prayer time. i had not had a chance to give waterdeep's new live cd a good listen, so i headed out of our small town with it on loud, windows down, the weather intoxicatingly hovering between warm and cool. i was heading to the auburn cemetary, where there is a long road that ends at an entrance to a ranchers field - gravestones on one side, hilly fields ending in one of those glorious kansas sunsets on the other. this time, though, i was in for a suprise. as soon as i drove over the first hill, i was greeted by the sight of a large herd of buffalo. now i had heard about these animals roaming here, and chad claimed to have gotten a far away look at them, but in the almost five years we've lived in these parts they had been just ghosts to me. but here they were, turning their giant brown wooly heads to stare at me, their wide set eyes blinking slowly. i got out of the car just grinning, i turned to look at the low full moon, back to see the blazing sunset, buffalo close enough to touch in the middle. i stayed for awhile, just in awe of the evening, of the suprise, of the magnifigance of these beasts, these relics of the old wild west, right here in my backyard. i grinned again to think of God, looking down at me, having just handed his child a yellow frosted cupcake and a glass of cold milk, and permission to go enjoy them out at the picnic table; having whispered in my ear how close He was, how real, how here. it was hard to pull away...i slowly drove back down that long road, gravestones on one side, remains of a fantastic kansas sunset on the other, and a rather large herd of buffalo in my rearview mirror.

mmm...a five hour run from waterdeep on saturday night - it was good to be there. it's a little sad that it was the "farewell to touring" show, but knowing them, I can't imagine there not being a slam bang kickin' reunion tour oh say, next year...

it was so good also to see friends..the kind of friends you can not see for months, even years - and pick up right where you left off. and of course it was fun to meet some new faces and just be at the new earth. even with the giant realtor 'for sale' sign out front...

another lucy one...i just had to share - she hates when i leave for work (it's rather rare, but i do go in now and then), so today when she saw me tying my shoes and gathering my things she said "Mom! are you going somewhere??" to which i replied, "Yes, honey; to the MOON!!" she pondered this for a moment, then said "well, can you just go to work?"