so a week from tomorrow the calendar will read 'september 11' - a date no american will ever let pass without at least a shiver going down the spine, right? i know i will always have mixed feelings on this day - i will remember where i was when i heard the news...standing in the family room, chad called from a job interview and told me to turn on the t.v...i threw in a videotape and gaped with the rest of the nation in unbelief with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. i called parents, i tried to explain to the kids, i kept taping. i cried at the sight of victims' friends and family members wandering the streets of new york city with their fliers and thier shocked bewilderment. i wished we would turn to God as in the days of the old testament - repenting as one for our sin and pride and tower of babble we have become, tearing our clothes and piling ashes on our heads...i winced at the ecumenicalism. i prayed feebly, my heart bled for all those families ripped apart, i did so with reserve i felt ashamed of, knowing that godless suffering is far worse than suffering with hope, and hating my judgemental side. "he was such a good man!" - but was his goodness apart from God his downfall? i have to remember what sheldon said about a trace of God existing in everything He created...i cheered at the selflessness poured out from every corner of America, i wished God would be credited instead of the strength of the human spirit. the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak...

as a christian experiencing this tragedy, this insanity and this nightmare more than one person referred to as hollywood-esque, not real; i honestly didn't know what to think. that we are one step closer to armegeddon? yes...that this was a senseless act of stupidity born out of a false belief? yes...that God had to have a thought and a feeling on the whole thing, but I had no clue what that was? definitely...being a part of this human race, i could not seperate myself from the raw emotions and reality of how in the world we as a nation were going to deal with the situation. i am a family member, i am an American...but even before those things, as my sister reminded me, i am a Christian. and that was a confusing place to be standing when the dust finally settled and the reams of articles had been written, the libraries of tapes had been recorded, npr had had its say, and the books began to be published. I am an American, but first I am a Christian...and those can conflict - God, I wish it weren't so, but these are the days we are living in...

"you will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. such things must happen, but the end is still to come. nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom...all these are the beginnings of birth pains." Matthew 24:6-8

- i do not know if what happened here last year fits into this referrral to wars and nations, but i want to focus on being not alarmed...not shaken to the core at the events that have and that will continue to cause us to wince and to wonder...i want to acknowledge my humanness while remembering my place in God's family. it's a hard balance for me...i hope to grow in this area so that my perception will be more true.

i know i will again be confused as to how to react to the new stories, reports, rememberances on the anniversary of what happened that tuesday morning last september...i want to have grace, feeling, prayer, hope in my God. we'll see...