so now i think that chad should find a job in colorado...i miss the air there. i've been known to miss the air in chicago though, and am awfully flighty in my onward and upward desires for drastic change sometimes...this week started out with a raging thunderstorm, but has ended on a brilliant, calm, beautiful sunset overlooking a rolling field - i say this figuratively, of course. chad and i have been missing each other on every turn lately, letting our lack of communication skills shine, and generally making life miserable for each other. i realize that as for my part, this is in large part due to the events and memories i never dealt with from my growing up years, and i'm at a point where i'm just ready to do just that. ready to let go, to move on, to grow up, to let it be. and chad is taking steps to deal with his own closet demons - and for this i am glad. here's to poking our heads out of the sand...

"in acceptance lieth peace" - amy carmichael

"The idea of doing yet one more tour and spending three months in a studio... There's not a window in any studio I've ever been in." - Bill Berry, 1998

this day is for tears...many tears for many people. from the deep darkness of my own heart to places far beyond, the recurring theme today has been sad news after bad news...hurtful situations, searching souls, lost little children sitting in the dirt of the world and it's painful circumstances; some trying bravely to maintain an outward sense of confidence and the illusion of everything being just fine; some openly weeping and wailing, others sitting so still and quiet you wouldn't even notice them but for the splash of tear after tear hitting the blank page before them...
i linger at the drastic and hardest hit, but there are more out on the fringes, those ones may just be a little sad and lonely, or just confused about something...they are worth mentioning too, because they are - though not as acutely - suffering; and need God's grace all the same to pull though this veiled life on earth. i feel a bit lost myself, and confused about some things that are forefront in my daily life right now. i feel distant from my God, who I am told longs to comfort me and fill me with His perfect peace that PASSES UNDERSTANDING - but i am wandering in the maze of thinking i have to understand and make sense of it all...oh, when will i learn? when will i just rest, let go, believe that all He has to offer is also for me? I feel very exposed of soul writing all of this down, but the general sense of damp cellar cloudiness that is in the air today - over phone lines and through email inboxes, at work and under my own pillow - was just to much to keep in.

oh, i guess i should post something about lucy, too...she ate three bowls of honey nut cheerios for breakfast today..hard to believe she will be TWO this summer - where does the time go?

today i was sorting clothes for laundry and a harmonica fell out of the pocket of jesse's jeans...

"look how neatly i wrote 'messy'!" - kansas at dinner tonight

so chad and our friend david played at the coffeeshop where i work last night...they sounded good together, and had a good time despite the lack of too much of a crowd. march madness was blamed, as as was spring break, global warming, and the cold wind outside. there are two more dates to hear them play together set up, should be good...

(i used 'good' three times in that short post...sorry for the uninventive use of language, but i'm just too tired for revision at the moment)

whenever i watch tv (which isn't too often) i am struck at the volume of perscription drug commercials on these days. it's a shame that capitolism extends its free market deep into the health care industry the way it does, and common sense is thrown out the window in favor of making a buck. it's sad for us that there's no money to be made telling people to drink lots of water, eat lots of fresh fruit and veggies, get your fill of fiber, and go easy on the fat and processed fare...oh, and get off your rear and exercise. seen a commercial for actual good advice lately? (this seems to be part of a series of late where i gripe about the lack of fulfilled idealism in our life and times...maybe i ought to rename this blog "hmmm...she commentated")

it's 2:17 in the afternoon on this wednesday, this first day of spring...and my whole family is sleeping :). the kids are all deep into their afternoon naps, and chad is sacked out on the couch. i am thinking, "should i film him?" - but instead i think i'll share something with you that i read in the local paper yesterday...i quote - "A mistake in timing on the part of Cox Communications Inc. FORCED many area television viewers to SUFFER interruptions of their favorite Sunday night programs." (emphasis mine). really, God help us if we've grown so fat and complacent, so ignorant of what children in third world countries and the body of Christ in places like sudan go through on a daily basis, that we can refer to missing out on a little boob tube action in terms of suffering. craziness. shake your head slowly from side to side with me. unreal.

ok, ahem...had to rant (wouldn't you?) happy spring, you faithful and few visitors to my little world on the web...go outside and appreciate something today.

I don't feel good…I have a cold, and a hypochondriac with any sort of real illness is no fun to be around, I'm guessing. Blech. Since you would probably rather be spared the details of my headache and runny nose at the moment, I'll instead share some thoughts on observation from the other night…

So I'm sitting here in this coffeeshop, the one I work at a couple of nights a week just to keep my foot in the door of interaction with people taller than me, and also for a purely selfish reason - I like to be a barista. It keeps some small part of me college aged. Anyway, I've been coming to work early lately just to read, or write, or look leisurely at the pictures I just picked up - that sort of thing. To decompress from the day, to unwind, to catch my breath before the next wave hits. To have that precious thirty or so minutes when I am not being asked to give time, attention, or energy on someone else's behalf. Me time. It isn't much, but when you don't have any for an extended period, you'll take what you can get.

Right now the sun is shining in the front windows, overpowering the lamps and overhead fluorescent bulbs with its warmth and brightness. It is a welcome intruder, a blazing reminder that the sun cannot be contained any more than the God who created it - we could slam shutters and roll down blinds against it but that would only be foolishly sticking our heads in the sand. Because, of course, the ethereal rays would still be freely flooding over everything else in the general vicinity, right? It would be like those people we know who insist on making terrible life choices and then live with the ugly consequences when they really don't have to - if only they would choose not to ignore the patient and strong hand of love hidden in the shadows…it would be like a scientist insisting he believes in evolution when all the evidence right down to his own bones is screaming this simply cannot be…it would be like Jonah running from God and Nineveh…it would resonate in each of our sordid souls because we can all be this way, yes?

So the sun is casting interesting shadows everywhere, and I am content to gaze at them over my house coffee…renewal feels good, even in small steps.

so, today i have a counseling appointment, then possible lunch with just chad (rare occurance), and then this afternoon rosa and i are planning to go paint pottery. it's a bit cloudy and not too cold, just my kind of day. been writing a lot lately, just looking around and describing what i observe, and some childhood memories...it's good to fill pages again. maybe i'll share some soon...

feeling like a cold, dense fog is lifting...watching the grass turn a little greener every day...the birds are singing loud and strong this week, as though they are announcing something - perhaps that the trees are budding? that spring is on the way? is there a malady or distress that can't be helped at least a little bit by the opening of a window to let a warm breeze in after it's been frigid for so long? it absolutely feels like narnia this year, the ice and darkness, the grey landscape is being replaced by running streams and blooming flowers, life is bursting from deadness and despair, and who am i to cast a shadow on that? i welcome the change now, i need it. it feels so good, and is an offering of hope for my weary soul.

hmmm...three restless nights in a row. tossing, turning, listning to the wind howl, listning to jesse talk in his sleep. three nights having half dreams...which always seem worse than whole ones...three nights knowing i'd wake up tired, three nights trying to pray and not quite making it past the ceiling. three nights counting wrongs, three nights cursing my sinful nature that has contributed to the sorry state we're in.
three nights in a row, i don't know if i'm up for four.

wonderful, simple, much needed article here , i encourage you to read it, and more from the "health topics" menu to the right of it.

something in me strains to catch a glimpse of the first signs of spring - then winces as the sunlight pours down. i am this way in so many areas...indecisive at best, discontent at worst, i guess. before i was married, i would give ear and follow every whimsical desire i heard myself 'need' - a day off of work, a night out with friends, a week or three in a car going anywhere but here...i was always labeled a 'free spirit'...i've learned since that noone's spirit is really free. in my acceptance of servanthood, even friendship - or the road to it anyway- with God, i've had to reject the idea of freedom of spirit, soul, and self - this heartily embraced idea is nothing more than the flashy wrapping and glittering bow on an empty box...so deceived was i that at times i still find it hard to remember that where i live, what i have, my plans for today can only be altered so much by me...that in the grand scheme of things, they are held in God's hand, and if i'm wanting to draw closer to Him, part of that entails following his lead instead of running ahead only to stumble and fall. the themes that speak loudly from His perfect Word need to be more imbedded in me - "give, love, trust, find joy in the lord, and learn to encourage yourself in Him, do not worry or complain...the list goes on. what peace He longs for us to live in, what resistance i build up to that notion when i fill my mind with doubt and distraction.

today i realized that our firstborn son is one third of the way to college...6, 12, 18. makes the years just shrink before my brain cells...

so...chad turns thirty somewhere between tomorrow and the next day...leap year is a funny thing. Kansas gave me a very strange look when i tried to explain it to him today.

i bought a copy of the call's the walls came down at hastings tonight on the way home from dan and rosa's. rosa and i had a meeting at the coffee shop and then went to her place, drank coffee and were highly entertained by her cats who were overtaken by the evening crazies - chasing each other's tails and such. i'd have cats but chad's allergic. i'm not allergic to percocet, the drug i'm taking because of this awful pain in the neck, but it does make me a bit lightheaded. oy.

spring is almost just around the corner, and i can't wait. it seems just what i need...just what many i know need - a fresh, fragrant breeze to lift us spiritual down-and-outers, a brightness in sky and blade of grass; a sparkle in river and rearview mirror...i hope we have some time when the warm air flows our way to take a good, long, cleansing drive to nowhere, to simply feel the tires roll under us and the wind against our outstreched palms. i'm aching to shake off the stuffiness of winter and the tight blinders of my mind and embrace once again the freedom i have to soak in what's good, to turn a blind eye to what's destructive, and to work some more on becoming whole. i know, the road to health and well being has more to do with what's inside me that what's without...it's just so inspirational to watch the first robin of the year hop around my front yard.

i am not from here, i
belong not with overalled men and rusty
tractors, with chewed tobacco, with
field after field, with
ramshackle

i am from there, that
skyscrapered city, that
sidewalked suburb, that
redwood forest, that
long road trip through the heart and to the outskirts
of america

but i find myself settled,
static, a home
owner here

i feel out of place in this
antirace, this
praried flinthilled place, this
supermarket parking lot full of old trucks
place, this
wide open space

but i am here
not knowing for how long i am
here...

and i can lament and give way to
memories of life more involved, more
fluid, farther away from
hicks and haystacks, from
crafty knicknacks

or i can rest, let
my soul find a bit of peace in these
rolling hills, these
endless clouds, these
rivers feeding trees at their banks

i can choose to
give thanks, i can
learn to live in
the moment without
regret

even

here.