i put up a mass of christmas lights this year. lights in the kitchen, lights in the kids room, seven or eight long strands of lights wound around the christmas tree alone...and no ornaments yet. it shines like a new yellow moon at night, twinkles like a prickly green sky replete with glitter stars during the day. i put the old creche up, the one i stared at for what now seems hours when i was small...the rough italian made figures still giving me a warm feeling as i placed the sheep behind the shepherds, the wise men in a line approaching, the babe who turned out to be God under the wonderous gazes of his unworthy earthly parents. the simple wooden stable, the angels balancing atop, the wrinkled brown donkey that reminds us of what an uncomfortable ride a very pregnant mary endured to get to that unwelcome inn. the art deco stained glass angel was set on the top shelf of the bookcase to watch over us for this season, hands welded together in prayer for our well being...or something. a basket of cinnamon and pinecones, a red bowl of silver bells, the christmas books and music brought out into the open to be enjoyed another year. the things i bought on clearance after the holidays last year and packed right away opened like new gifts. i love the familial warmth, traditional securities, browns and reds and forest greens of Christmas...i love the sermons that weave into our imaginations what it was really like for the players in the great cosmic drama that night so long ago...and how close that same saviour from then can be to us here and now. enjoy this time, relax in it. give what you can, whenever you can; remembering that the giving God did has opened our eyes at least enough to see need, to want to cover the cold out there with a soothing warm glow. run into the arms of light and love this season, let your little light shine, and watch the flicker of flame in your own life spread like wildfire so that your joy becomes complete and your cup runs over.

merry advent, happy first week of Christmas to you.

mmm...long holiday weekend. i plan to do a lot of cooking, puzzle working, and general lounging. i love this time of year.

so saturday night i was working at world cup...it was a nice mellow evening - abby and i had a slow start to the night, so we sat playing rummy with some of her friends for a good hour. i remember thinking "they are so happy and innocent...fifteen years old. life hasn't bitten them on the heels quite yet, it's refreshing to be around them..."

after awhile two college guys came in and told us that their neighbors were complaining about their guitar playing - would we mind if they played in the shop? "you're not going to plug them in, right?" i asked with a grin...they grinned back, and said no...and commenced to sit across from each other and play soft soothing familiar tunes almost until closing time...

at ten minutes to eleven, i went off to clean the bathrooms - part of closing chores (a small price to pay for the great people i get to spend time with at this job). i took maybe seven minutes to swipe everything with some bleach handy wipe thingys, and refill what needed refilling. when i stepped out and looked around, i noticed that everyone was standing very still, and looking quite shell shocked. i went behind the counter and asked the closest person what had happened, and was informed that we had just been robbed at gunpoint, specifically, that abby had been robbed at gunpoint. she was in the backroom sobbing with her two friends (who had been standing there when it happened), and the police were there within minutes. strange, surreal. i hugged the fifteen year olds (now not quite as innocent and unbitten as they had been earlier in the day), talked in low tones with patrons, started and abandoned other closing duties, felt odd. we all ended up going home leaving the place a mess, a little shaky and a lot thankful. it could've been so much worse...some money was lost, but noone was hurt.

life goes along smoothly for awhile, but then we are jolted by events out of our control, and it wakes us up in ways we hadn't known we were sleeping.

jesse is five today...amazing how fast he's grown. amazing that it's been five years - half a decade - since i looked into his newborn face with awe and wonder...he's a full fledged preschooler now. and tomorrow - well, i'm just going to enjoy today, the flying future scares me a little.

what a couple of weeks...i feel like we've been running with very few pit stops to call home and check the messages. two waterdeep shows in one week, working at world cup, friends over - sometimes overnight, getting a jump on christmas shopping (i was in the checkout at toys r us and marveled at the stark difference between this midweek evening with the store being virtually empty, and what this same stretch of retail would look like a mere one month from now), church, home group, kids being sick, and the death of one of chad's grandpas on sunday morning. i leave that for last because that's really the only thing on the list i'd want to tell you about right now...

chad enjoyed and respected his grandpa as much as he could, in his own way - i'll say that first. but this being the rough and rowdy part of that side of the family, it's been hard to know how to handle the sympathy that's been poured out on us. his grandpa didn't want a service, didn't want any ceremony other than to have his ashes scattered over the farm up north. the last few times we'd seen him he was in a hospital bed in chad's uncle's girlfriend's house, deteriorating since the major stroke he suffered a couple of years ago. he loved to see our kids, especially lucy ("she's an ANGEL, just an angel..."), but was still managing to let us know who he was remembering to dislike from years long past and why.

we got a call early sunday morning that if chad wanted to see him one last time, he better get moving - ther doctors were speaking in terms of hours left to live, and by the time chad was ready to walk aout the door, he had passed away. chad went on up anyway, taking kansas with him, and i went on to church with the little ones.

family is hard, and wonderful; secure and scary sometimes. relationships between sinners are always tricky in spots, and Jesus' example can be hard to live up to. the one thing we can say for sure despite falling out's and friendships forged is that our family is OURS, and the one we marry into becomes our very own as well. so we go through the processes of life together in one way or another with (or at least thinking of) each other, living, learning, coping, remembering, heaving heavy sighs.

been...reading anne lamott novels, working a bit more at the coffeeshop, watching kansas get on the bus at eight twenty every morning, saving for our christmas trip to chicago and michigan, missing certain friends but forgetting to touch base with maddening consistency, praying, birthday shopping for jesse, relaxing with tea and thoughts, and loving all the cloudiness and rain around here. ahhh, fall...

i go back and forth with this blogging thing...either there's so much going on i don't know where to start to tell you all about it, or else i can't think of a thing to share. hmmm...i can say that i've recently seen the light break through an almost year long depression...that i finally saw it for what it was and sought help, and God is good and faithful and doesn't want us living in a deep dark fuzzy edged cloud, i believe...so here i am. wanting to be a help to others instead of seeking only some sort of balm for my wounds. aware of need beside my own, and trusting God to take care of mine with an abandon i've not known before. it feels light. coming up for air is easier, and the edge of the precipice is not near as daunting, or near as close to me, for that matter. and the amazing thing to me is that although the daily drag has changed very little, the change in me is allowing me to be removed enough from it to not fall prey to emotional decline the way i had for so long. i can even laugh at what used to frustrate me, in many cases. the love of our God is incredible to me...incredible and overwhelming and white and sweet, like a marshmallow avalanche. to live in the light, to not be overcome by all of my stumbling...i'm feeling very free these days.

it's not a bad place to live...though chad did squash a giant cricket with his swiftly removed shoe after i got him up here with those don't-wake-the-kids quiet, furtive screams about an hour ago...

So Kansas began his career at Auburn Elementary School yesterday. What a long, strange week it's been...

so a week from tomorrow the calendar will read 'september 11' - a date no american will ever let pass without at least a shiver going down the spine, right? i know i will always have mixed feelings on this day - i will remember where i was when i heard the news...standing in the family room, chad called from a job interview and told me to turn on the t.v...i threw in a videotape and gaped with the rest of the nation in unbelief with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. i called parents, i tried to explain to the kids, i kept taping. i cried at the sight of victims' friends and family members wandering the streets of new york city with their fliers and thier shocked bewilderment. i wished we would turn to God as in the days of the old testament - repenting as one for our sin and pride and tower of babble we have become, tearing our clothes and piling ashes on our heads...i winced at the ecumenicalism. i prayed feebly, my heart bled for all those families ripped apart, i did so with reserve i felt ashamed of, knowing that godless suffering is far worse than suffering with hope, and hating my judgemental side. "he was such a good man!" - but was his goodness apart from God his downfall? i have to remember what sheldon said about a trace of God existing in everything He created...i cheered at the selflessness poured out from every corner of America, i wished God would be credited instead of the strength of the human spirit. the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak...

as a christian experiencing this tragedy, this insanity and this nightmare more than one person referred to as hollywood-esque, not real; i honestly didn't know what to think. that we are one step closer to armegeddon? yes...that this was a senseless act of stupidity born out of a false belief? yes...that God had to have a thought and a feeling on the whole thing, but I had no clue what that was? definitely...being a part of this human race, i could not seperate myself from the raw emotions and reality of how in the world we as a nation were going to deal with the situation. i am a family member, i am an American...but even before those things, as my sister reminded me, i am a Christian. and that was a confusing place to be standing when the dust finally settled and the reams of articles had been written, the libraries of tapes had been recorded, npr had had its say, and the books began to be published. I am an American, but first I am a Christian...and those can conflict - God, I wish it weren't so, but these are the days we are living in...

"you will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. such things must happen, but the end is still to come. nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom...all these are the beginnings of birth pains." Matthew 24:6-8

- i do not know if what happened here last year fits into this referrral to wars and nations, but i want to focus on being not alarmed...not shaken to the core at the events that have and that will continue to cause us to wince and to wonder...i want to acknowledge my humanness while remembering my place in God's family. it's a hard balance for me...i hope to grow in this area so that my perception will be more true.

i know i will again be confused as to how to react to the new stories, reports, rememberances on the anniversary of what happened that tuesday morning last september...i want to have grace, feeling, prayer, hope in my God. we'll see...

summer's speeding by
the sun has remained high
hot and rarely
covering herself with clouds
to ease the farmers furrowed brow

my days are speeding too
seems only yesterday that you
were younger, more naive and
handing me a million reasons an hour
to believe

now my road is not clear which
way is free from entangling fear
but i do know this -
that simplicity leads to serenity
though simplicity is no bedfellow of ease

resolution will come, i know with
harvest, perhaps - or even snow
weeping is only for a night, i am reminded -
and joy will come in the morning, be it tomorrow or the day
of reckoning
my joy will come
with peace and in green pastures my
joy will come.

my stupid computer wouldn't let me online for a couple of days. my computer is networked with chads, and the connection was fine, he was able to access the internet, but whatever we tried to fix the problem didn't work. so just now i decided to try again to log on, after going through the process unsuccessfully a jillion times, and it decided to work. stinking machines - i swear they just get bored or in moods or something...

so after reviewing all of our options in light of the ever increacing poop out factor of my little van (the discount we get via my father's long employment with ford motor company and the great summer sales included) we have purchased a new car, fresh off the lot of a dealership. a liquid grey focus wagon with medium graphite trim, to be exact. this is a new adventure for us...i'm going to have to keep reminding myself that i don't have to return this car to the rental place. we pick it up tomorrow - and then we'll probably go for a good long drive...

"I'VE GOT A HOUSE DOWN BY THE OCEAN
THE RENT IS NOT TOO HIGH
AND I LOVE TO WATCH THE SHIPS COME IN
AND HEAR THE SEAGULLS CRY
AND LATELY I'VE BEEN TAKING STOCK
OF ALL THAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH
OH TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY
FEELS FUNNY BUT IT'S TRUE
I'M TURNING THIRTY

NOW I'VE GOT A WIFE WHO REALLY LOVES ME
SHE MAKES MY LIFE SO SWEET
AND A LITTLE BABY DAUGHTER
WHO PLAYS GAMES AROUND MY FEET
AND MY WORLD IS VERY DIFFERENT
FROM LOST LAZY BACHELOR YEARS
BUT IF I HAD THE CHANCE TO GO BACK
I'D RATHER STAY RIGHT HERE
TURNING THIRTY

AND I HAVE FRIENDS WHO CARE ABOUT ME
THEY'RE THE BEST I'VE EVER HAD
AND THEY ALWAYS STOOD BEHIND ME
WHENEVER TIMES GOT BAD
AND I LOVE TO PLAY MY MUSIC
THOUGH THE ROAD CAN BE AT TRIAL
BUT EVERY TIME I WALK ON STAGE
IT'S WORTH EACH DUSTY MILE
TURNING THIRTY

WELL, NOW THIRTY AIN'T LIKE FIFTEEN
AND IT'S NOT LIKE TWENTY-FIVE
MY BACK'S A LITTLE STIFF
AND THERE'RE SOME LINES AROUND MY EYES
BUT I'VE STILL GOT MY ENERGY
AND I'VE GOT MOST OF MY HAIR
AND I'M NOT TOO OLD TO ROCK 'N ROLL
AND I'M NOT REALLY SCARED
OF TURNING THIRTY
I WROTE THIS SONG EIGHT YEARS AGO
MY, HOW TIME FLIES AND SO DO I

OH, THE NINETIES LOOK LIKE TOUGH TIMES
THE WORLD IS TURNING SOUR
SO I'LL KEEP ON SERVING JESUS
AND AWAIT THE FINAL HOUR
AND THOUGH I'VE OFTEN FAILED HIM
IN THESE THIRTY ROCKY YEARS
HIS MERCY BROUGHT ME THIS FAR
AND HIS LOVE HAS DRIED MY YEARS
I'M TURNING THIRTY
I'LL TREASURE THESE YEARS
I'M TURNING THIRTY
I'LL TREASURE THESE YEARS TURNING THIRTY..."

well, i've always liked that old randy stonehill song, but i never really thought about relating to it so well. hmmm...

spent the weekend in westport, KC for the new earth festival...terri kalavig told me it would most probably be the last one ever. she and sheldon are "ready to be put out to pasture", she said. i wonder what will become of that place. if it does close and no more memories are to be made within and without its walls, i think i will recall as my fondest ones the don and lori acoustic shows upstairs, especially when it rained...seeds kicking off everyone's festival the other year, matthew perryman jones venturing out of nashville and blessing us with his realness and songs...sheldon and dons' sermonettes, all of waterdeep's jams and old favorites; waiting for bill malonee to get on stage already when in fact he was pounding on the wrong side of a door upstairs that wouldn't open, yelling to be rescued...the bottomless mugs of coffee, the seventies carpet, the community, the history. its place in time will be definitively remembered, that's for sure.

well, it's not so hot this week...nice. i've seen some friends lately that i don't usually get to see, that's nice, too. going through a trial (who isn't), but accepting God's grace through it...mostly. we're dog sitting chad's mom's pug...she's really ugly and misses her fam, but we're doing our best :). hard to believe summer's so far gone. hmmm...not much else to report. hope you're all having a lovely weekend.

hi all...i'm back from five days in phoenix, where the sun bakes everything to a crisp all day long, and the nights aren't much better. i was in a wedding, my best friend from fourth grade through college's(i know, terrible grammar, but i don't care right now) wedding, to be exact, and i saw a lot of people i hadn't seen in years. it was a good time. then chad flew back to kansas, and i spent a couple of days in the chaos that is his mom's house - between the twelve or so daycare kids, our kids, her kids, and the dogs i was ready to come home to some relative quiet. lucy and i flew home yesterday (we saw a rainbow during the flight - very cool) without the boys..**violins***..they are going to be traipsing about the southwest with chad's family all this week, hitting the grand canyon and colorado before coming home. i'm going to miss kansas' seventh birthday - a first, but i'm glad they get to do this. it'll make great ' what i did on my summer vacation ' material...jesse wasn't quite sure about being left at his nana's house, but i assured him we'd call every night. on the way home from the airport we went and ate dinner in lawrence and bummed around mass street for awhile...lucy really enjoyed herself, as she loves to be outside and hadn't gotten to do that much while we were gone.
now we're getting ready for the annual cul-de-sac fourth of july extravaganza, with more food and fireworks than we can stand. can it be that time of year again already? amazing how fast time goes anymore...well, a happy and safe fourth to everyone, and hopefully i'll post here a bit more often. wow, i just realized how much this sounds like a form letter to family or something...well, i guess in a way it is.
so long for now...

me, while listening to sink or swim - "jesse, remember last year about this time we went to memphis, to that festival, and saw our friends and worked with waterdeep?"

jesse - "YES! and i went in the bathroom that was a rectangle!"

currently reading 'a sacred romance' after having it casually mentioned to me about a thousand times lately by most people in my life - unrelated, of course. God is good, He draws us even when we are clueless, bumbling waifs.

it's so nice when i can actually get out of the house first (or at least second or third) thing in the morning and go for a good long walk. it clears my head, it gets me out of my self. today knasas went with me and we pet a horse, picked some flowers, and found some good garage sales. by the time we arrived back home, chad had gotten up and had some bible time and breakfast...could me getting out actually be motivating for him as well? we struggle with being late night people and living with early riser kids. maybe we'll get it together one of these years...

planning to see waterdeep tonight...i look forward to it. who knows how much longer they'll be playing like this. chad has been taking drum lessons from brandon...what a teacher.

kids naptime is half over -i better go relax before the next wave hits...