yesterday was the first day of our homeschool group bowling league (the term 'league' used lightly...these are kids ranging in age from 3 to 9 :)...anyway, we get all figured out as to teams and lanes and they start bowling...when we notice that kansas' turn comes right after montana's...heh. they had fun, and somehow jesse knocked the socks off of the competition, winning both games by a landslide. later i worked at the coffeeshop, and our friend david was playing. it was a fun, busy, familiar night which i am too tired from but happy to have been a part of. ok, off to counseling...i'm a private person, but if some good comes out of the mess i tend to make of my life, who am i not to share with some potential have-to-learn-things-the-hard-way person like myself?

a bright and promising saturday to you all...

ugh. nothing worse than a stale blog. well, to be honest, i haven't felt like writing here much lately. maybe it's the post holiday letdown, the recent winter storm that has us all in its icy grip, or the impending marriage counseling appointment. let's just say that it's been a downer of a month in more ways than one. the good news is - i haven't completely given up. on God. on Chad. on me. so pray for us if you think about it, and i hope to post more happy and thoughtful things sometime in the near future.

i think i'll go to bed after this
i know i'll sleep and sleep
at last i'll be off in the ghostly grey dreamland
i feel like i'll be gone a week
i've stayed and stayed and stayed awake
much longer than sanity's keep
but time, after all, when it's squandered and spent
repays with a fee that's quite steep

i wonder what God thinks when he hears all of us discussing art and the Christian and CCM and marketing and selling out and what we should and shouldn't feed into our sensory experiences and the importance of how we feel and crossing over and the issues surrounding 'secular vs. sacred' and application of the argument that carpenters that happen to be Christians don't exclusively build churches to what's happening in the music scene today and making a buck ethically and personal taste and individuality...i just wonder what he thinks of it all. sometimes i think we forget that we in modern america are but a fragment of the body of Christ which spans tounges and tribes and years, but yet the character of God is timeless and his Word is unchanging. i debate and ponder, but always with a bit of reserve because i don't have comment on the issue at hand from the one whose opinion matters most.

"This was the year that I started defining myself less and less by my past, and more and more by my present and future. " sound relatable encouragement for me from noah (who, by the way, takes some pretty amazing pictures)

testing, 1,2

ok, i'm trying out a new comment system...again. hopefully, this one will stick around awhile, but i'm not holding my breath or anything.

it's funny that i look tall to my kids...knowing that they will all probably grow up to be taller than me.

my stomach hurts...too much on my mind. i think i'm going to cut my coffeeshop job down from two nights a week to only one...chaos was fine for the pre- and actual holidays, but i'm in that organize or bust stage, and some things just have to go. the piles of stuff around here have got to be gone through. we need to become involved in our homeschool support group. i need to carve out time every day for excercise of the spirit and body - gravity of the earth and its frailties are taking thier toll on me. i'm thankful for chad, who desires to accompany me in these endeavors, along with a few of his own. as much as i loathe scheduling and discipline, we need a bit of it right now. resolutions, here we come...

well, hmmm...she said; i am finding; is quite picky about her general appearance, but has enough quirky nonchalance to change her mind somewhat often. most comfortable lately in deep candle lit ambience; when that particular outfit turned up missing in her closet she was bold enough to try something else that she thought might be a fun interlude while she worked on locating her fuzzy slippered garment of choice. tiring quickly of the blocky dullness and starting to feel outright silly wearing it, she went shopping. currently she's gone back to basics, determined to tuck and stitch until it fits her right...slapping on a patch here and an embroidered something there; dyeing and cutting and adding and subtracting to her glorious ideal - but then again she may drop it all and head out again in search of something completely different to suit her altered mood. you never know.

maybe comment systems just aren't really meant to be...

i don't fit the partridge family like i thought i might, not even temporarily...i feel like i'm not at home here, like i'm wearing someone else's socks. and i think i knew i'd feel this way at some point, which i think is where 'just adjust' came from...i've always had a silly quirk of not getting used to little changes beyond my control very well.

so we had dan and rosa over the other night. we had a fight right before they came, and well into thier visit, we shared this fun little fact with them. turns out, they had a fight in the car on the way over...we figured some things are just meant to be, and if you can make it past the attempted hijacking, good times can be had by all.

organic gummy bears..yum.

i visited my good friend madi's site today, and found a (who knows if these things are somewhat accurate at all, or just a conversation piece) test to determine which work of art you would be, if you happened to be a work of art (btw, madi, you would of course be a birkenstock if there was a "what kind of shoe you are" test :). hilariously, on my very first try, here's what it said -

If I were a work of art, I would be Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa. I am extremely popular and widely known. Although unassuming and unpretentious, my enigmatic smile has charmed millions. I am a mystery, able to be appreciated from afar, but ultimately unknowable and thus intriguing. Which work of art would you be? The Art Test

...heh.

i miss my old blog. the things i find to complain about...

it's so wierd here...it's december, but the weather has been warm (average 60's), and today it's threatening to thunderstorm. my internal clock that is regulated by the seasons (that's the best i can explain it) is completely out of whack...it should be snowing, or at least scarf-worthy cold...i feel like i live in arizona again. i'm not complaining...a looong drawn out fall is a dream come true - i'm just confused.

chad and i are getting along fabulously lately. amazing what a little giving up strongholds can do.

the sky is milky blue
the moon a seashell pink
grey yellow dusky hue

it's hard to drive in
rush hour steel and speed
what with the soft gorgeous luminary light
seeming to be beckoning me...

the lopsided slipping sad rectangle eyes
and carved pumpkin streched smile grins down
causing my divided attention...i hope i don't have an accident, but who can ignore...?

i want to point out the glowing obvious
to those around me, those
hard grimaces, those busy eyes, those
hands clutching cellphones and fries as they drive

they seem to be missing the reality
they seem in their frenzy to be almost asleep

so...i feel like i'm hosted by the partridge family with this design. groove-o-rama. found out today that we're often talked about in not the nicest way by someone we're in regular contact with. my instinct is to cut ties, narrow my eyes, and leave the relationship in a huff, turning around to talk about them in a not-so-nice way...but the still small voice speaks - "live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day He visits us." - 1 Peter 2:12...what I want is to become like the evildoer...what I am called to is a totally different boat of bananas. and it's all about the focus - my life will be seen, interpreted, talked about...why give fuel for the gossip fire? i'm called to live such a good life that though i may be accused of doing wrong, what i've done is plainly seen and God is glorified for it in the end. my reputation matters only as it gives light to the truth of the Gospel, only as it points to Christ - not because i want to present an image or feel good about myself. i care too much about what is said - i ought to pray for my enemy instead. enemy? way off base, nose in my business aquantance is more like it. well, scuse me while i go check out the plank sticking out of my face...these things are never easy, but who said they would be?

whew! for a week or so there i had nowhere to spill my guts and ramblings...inspired by my friend madi, i'm trying out blogspot, as my last blog was stamped out by a ruthless hacker - but i oughtn't go there, i tend to become quite cynical on matters of thievery and mischief aimed at me for no particular reason. where was i? oh, guts and ramblings...well, to be quite honest, we've had a major rift (or a hundred or so), c and i have, over the past eleven or twelve months; but things have really improved here lately and by the grace of God, we are starting to look like married people, in my opinion, ought to. quite refreshing and fabulous. what else? i put up the christmas tree today. and the lights...i don't hang lights outside, i can't see them very well there. i string them over doorways and around ornaments inside - i love the soft glow against the green branches, the white walls. soothing, serene, and festive all at once. along with the lights emerged the nativity set i grew up with, the cinnamon scented pinecones, the holiday music. the wonderful felt advent tree brian's mom made us last year, the pale blue stained glass angel, the toy that saved christmas video. i look at it all anew every year, i reflect as i arrange shepherds and the tree topper on how we have changed this past year, what we have gone through and (hopefully) how we've grown. i remember again the baffling mystery of the birth of Christ, the babe in the manger, who was God, who is God, who would grow to perform miracles and die a horrible death for my sake. i am blown away time after time, it never gets old. i can be sarcastic and cynical often, but at christmastime, i am able to retain a sense of wonder like no other time of the year.