it's not a bad place to live...though chad did squash a giant cricket with his swiftly removed shoe after i got him up here with those don't-wake-the-kids quiet, furtive screams about an hour ago...

So Kansas began his career at Auburn Elementary School yesterday. What a long, strange week it's been...

so a week from tomorrow the calendar will read 'september 11' - a date no american will ever let pass without at least a shiver going down the spine, right? i know i will always have mixed feelings on this day - i will remember where i was when i heard the news...standing in the family room, chad called from a job interview and told me to turn on the t.v...i threw in a videotape and gaped with the rest of the nation in unbelief with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. i called parents, i tried to explain to the kids, i kept taping. i cried at the sight of victims' friends and family members wandering the streets of new york city with their fliers and thier shocked bewilderment. i wished we would turn to God as in the days of the old testament - repenting as one for our sin and pride and tower of babble we have become, tearing our clothes and piling ashes on our heads...i winced at the ecumenicalism. i prayed feebly, my heart bled for all those families ripped apart, i did so with reserve i felt ashamed of, knowing that godless suffering is far worse than suffering with hope, and hating my judgemental side. "he was such a good man!" - but was his goodness apart from God his downfall? i have to remember what sheldon said about a trace of God existing in everything He created...i cheered at the selflessness poured out from every corner of America, i wished God would be credited instead of the strength of the human spirit. the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak...

as a christian experiencing this tragedy, this insanity and this nightmare more than one person referred to as hollywood-esque, not real; i honestly didn't know what to think. that we are one step closer to armegeddon? yes...that this was a senseless act of stupidity born out of a false belief? yes...that God had to have a thought and a feeling on the whole thing, but I had no clue what that was? definitely...being a part of this human race, i could not seperate myself from the raw emotions and reality of how in the world we as a nation were going to deal with the situation. i am a family member, i am an American...but even before those things, as my sister reminded me, i am a Christian. and that was a confusing place to be standing when the dust finally settled and the reams of articles had been written, the libraries of tapes had been recorded, npr had had its say, and the books began to be published. I am an American, but first I am a Christian...and those can conflict - God, I wish it weren't so, but these are the days we are living in...

"you will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. such things must happen, but the end is still to come. nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom...all these are the beginnings of birth pains." Matthew 24:6-8

- i do not know if what happened here last year fits into this referrral to wars and nations, but i want to focus on being not alarmed...not shaken to the core at the events that have and that will continue to cause us to wince and to wonder...i want to acknowledge my humanness while remembering my place in God's family. it's a hard balance for me...i hope to grow in this area so that my perception will be more true.

i know i will again be confused as to how to react to the new stories, reports, rememberances on the anniversary of what happened that tuesday morning last september...i want to have grace, feeling, prayer, hope in my God. we'll see...

summer's speeding by
the sun has remained high
hot and rarely
covering herself with clouds
to ease the farmers furrowed brow

my days are speeding too
seems only yesterday that you
were younger, more naive and
handing me a million reasons an hour
to believe

now my road is not clear which
way is free from entangling fear
but i do know this -
that simplicity leads to serenity
though simplicity is no bedfellow of ease

resolution will come, i know with
harvest, perhaps - or even snow
weeping is only for a night, i am reminded -
and joy will come in the morning, be it tomorrow or the day
of reckoning
my joy will come
with peace and in green pastures my
joy will come.

my stupid computer wouldn't let me online for a couple of days. my computer is networked with chads, and the connection was fine, he was able to access the internet, but whatever we tried to fix the problem didn't work. so just now i decided to try again to log on, after going through the process unsuccessfully a jillion times, and it decided to work. stinking machines - i swear they just get bored or in moods or something...

so after reviewing all of our options in light of the ever increacing poop out factor of my little van (the discount we get via my father's long employment with ford motor company and the great summer sales included) we have purchased a new car, fresh off the lot of a dealership. a liquid grey focus wagon with medium graphite trim, to be exact. this is a new adventure for us...i'm going to have to keep reminding myself that i don't have to return this car to the rental place. we pick it up tomorrow - and then we'll probably go for a good long drive...

"I'VE GOT A HOUSE DOWN BY THE OCEAN
THE RENT IS NOT TOO HIGH
AND I LOVE TO WATCH THE SHIPS COME IN
AND HEAR THE SEAGULLS CRY
AND LATELY I'VE BEEN TAKING STOCK
OF ALL THAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH
OH TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY
FEELS FUNNY BUT IT'S TRUE
I'M TURNING THIRTY

NOW I'VE GOT A WIFE WHO REALLY LOVES ME
SHE MAKES MY LIFE SO SWEET
AND A LITTLE BABY DAUGHTER
WHO PLAYS GAMES AROUND MY FEET
AND MY WORLD IS VERY DIFFERENT
FROM LOST LAZY BACHELOR YEARS
BUT IF I HAD THE CHANCE TO GO BACK
I'D RATHER STAY RIGHT HERE
TURNING THIRTY

AND I HAVE FRIENDS WHO CARE ABOUT ME
THEY'RE THE BEST I'VE EVER HAD
AND THEY ALWAYS STOOD BEHIND ME
WHENEVER TIMES GOT BAD
AND I LOVE TO PLAY MY MUSIC
THOUGH THE ROAD CAN BE AT TRIAL
BUT EVERY TIME I WALK ON STAGE
IT'S WORTH EACH DUSTY MILE
TURNING THIRTY

WELL, NOW THIRTY AIN'T LIKE FIFTEEN
AND IT'S NOT LIKE TWENTY-FIVE
MY BACK'S A LITTLE STIFF
AND THERE'RE SOME LINES AROUND MY EYES
BUT I'VE STILL GOT MY ENERGY
AND I'VE GOT MOST OF MY HAIR
AND I'M NOT TOO OLD TO ROCK 'N ROLL
AND I'M NOT REALLY SCARED
OF TURNING THIRTY
I WROTE THIS SONG EIGHT YEARS AGO
MY, HOW TIME FLIES AND SO DO I

OH, THE NINETIES LOOK LIKE TOUGH TIMES
THE WORLD IS TURNING SOUR
SO I'LL KEEP ON SERVING JESUS
AND AWAIT THE FINAL HOUR
AND THOUGH I'VE OFTEN FAILED HIM
IN THESE THIRTY ROCKY YEARS
HIS MERCY BROUGHT ME THIS FAR
AND HIS LOVE HAS DRIED MY YEARS
I'M TURNING THIRTY
I'LL TREASURE THESE YEARS
I'M TURNING THIRTY
I'LL TREASURE THESE YEARS TURNING THIRTY..."

well, i've always liked that old randy stonehill song, but i never really thought about relating to it so well. hmmm...

spent the weekend in westport, KC for the new earth festival...terri kalavig told me it would most probably be the last one ever. she and sheldon are "ready to be put out to pasture", she said. i wonder what will become of that place. if it does close and no more memories are to be made within and without its walls, i think i will recall as my fondest ones the don and lori acoustic shows upstairs, especially when it rained...seeds kicking off everyone's festival the other year, matthew perryman jones venturing out of nashville and blessing us with his realness and songs...sheldon and dons' sermonettes, all of waterdeep's jams and old favorites; waiting for bill malonee to get on stage already when in fact he was pounding on the wrong side of a door upstairs that wouldn't open, yelling to be rescued...the bottomless mugs of coffee, the seventies carpet, the community, the history. its place in time will be definitively remembered, that's for sure.

well, it's not so hot this week...nice. i've seen some friends lately that i don't usually get to see, that's nice, too. going through a trial (who isn't), but accepting God's grace through it...mostly. we're dog sitting chad's mom's pug...she's really ugly and misses her fam, but we're doing our best :). hard to believe summer's so far gone. hmmm...not much else to report. hope you're all having a lovely weekend.

hi all...i'm back from five days in phoenix, where the sun bakes everything to a crisp all day long, and the nights aren't much better. i was in a wedding, my best friend from fourth grade through college's(i know, terrible grammar, but i don't care right now) wedding, to be exact, and i saw a lot of people i hadn't seen in years. it was a good time. then chad flew back to kansas, and i spent a couple of days in the chaos that is his mom's house - between the twelve or so daycare kids, our kids, her kids, and the dogs i was ready to come home to some relative quiet. lucy and i flew home yesterday (we saw a rainbow during the flight - very cool) without the boys..**violins***..they are going to be traipsing about the southwest with chad's family all this week, hitting the grand canyon and colorado before coming home. i'm going to miss kansas' seventh birthday - a first, but i'm glad they get to do this. it'll make great ' what i did on my summer vacation ' material...jesse wasn't quite sure about being left at his nana's house, but i assured him we'd call every night. on the way home from the airport we went and ate dinner in lawrence and bummed around mass street for awhile...lucy really enjoyed herself, as she loves to be outside and hadn't gotten to do that much while we were gone.
now we're getting ready for the annual cul-de-sac fourth of july extravaganza, with more food and fireworks than we can stand. can it be that time of year again already? amazing how fast time goes anymore...well, a happy and safe fourth to everyone, and hopefully i'll post here a bit more often. wow, i just realized how much this sounds like a form letter to family or something...well, i guess in a way it is.
so long for now...

me, while listening to sink or swim - "jesse, remember last year about this time we went to memphis, to that festival, and saw our friends and worked with waterdeep?"

jesse - "YES! and i went in the bathroom that was a rectangle!"

currently reading 'a sacred romance' after having it casually mentioned to me about a thousand times lately by most people in my life - unrelated, of course. God is good, He draws us even when we are clueless, bumbling waifs.

it's so nice when i can actually get out of the house first (or at least second or third) thing in the morning and go for a good long walk. it clears my head, it gets me out of my self. today knasas went with me and we pet a horse, picked some flowers, and found some good garage sales. by the time we arrived back home, chad had gotten up and had some bible time and breakfast...could me getting out actually be motivating for him as well? we struggle with being late night people and living with early riser kids. maybe we'll get it together one of these years...

planning to see waterdeep tonight...i look forward to it. who knows how much longer they'll be playing like this. chad has been taking drum lessons from brandon...what a teacher.

kids naptime is half over -i better go relax before the next wave hits...

so i've decided on a curriculum for next year. it involves collecting about fifty children's classics - or at least great stories - from a list that coincides with the unit study. i'm finding that a good chunk of the titles are out of print, and very hard to find. so i've been on a treasure hunt, trailing through ebay, alibras, homeschool book sales, and anywhere else i can think of. it's quite exciting to find them one by one, and i'm looking forward to this new approach at homeschooling - spending lots of time on the couch reading to my kids. you'd think, bookworm that i am, that this would be a regular thing in our home, but sadly, as of late, it's been hard to make the time. i'm too free-spirited to be much good at scheduling, but i'm going to try in the fall.

oh, yes...my little blog. i've been neglectful, though it has not been to sit around and play solitare or anything...life has just been very full as of late. i've been tremendously enjoying a copy of anne lamott's 'traveling mercies' that linds sent me...helping my fam finish up spring things like preschool, awana, college...spending time with good friends, attempting to clear out some stuff in our house that is no longer needed (and maybe wasn't in the first place), watching the nightly lightning show all week. it's good to be in full blown spring.

lights bright lights
bright red lights
brake lights
blinking on and off for miles
it seems
in front of me
stop and go
add to my woe
i hate
being late.

an email exchange from yesterday...

Hi - I wanted to know if it is possible to order back
issues of Consumer Reports. I am interested in the Feb. 2002 issue.

Thanks, Lisa
*************************************************************
Are you in the media, a subscriber or just interested in
the article? My department deals only with the media but we do have a
customer relations department.

Jennifer Shecter

*************************************************************
Oh, I'm just interested in the article. Can you connect me to the right
department?
Thanks again,

Lisa
**************************************************************
You know what, just give me your address and I can send you the one issue.
I hate bureaucracy and hate to inflict it on anyone.

Jen Shecter
***************************************************************
i love it.

"the drinking part of my stomach is THIRSTY!...but the eating part is full." - kansas. our weekend in a nutshell - a scrapbooking workshop, taking the whole fam out in the pouring rain to get a good deal on a composter and go out to breakfast, hanging out at the animal shelter looking at all the kittens too little to take home, napping, cooking, church, spending sunday with dan and rosa at our place, then on a house searching tour all over northeast kansas ranging from the scary (an 1800's farmhouse miles from nowhere with bad plumbing) to the familiar (going up to holton to show them chad's mom's beautiful old victorian monstrosity that will be available in the next few months)...and we actually went to bed early last night. good times...

so i'm having a taste of what it would be like to have kansas in school..sort of. our homeschool support group (sounds like a ten step program, but it's really much more :) offers sat testing every year for grades k-12, and kansas is taking the first grade one this week. it's a three day thing, six hours a day, and he's doing really well as far as sitting for long periods of time, filling in bubbles with a sharpened #2 pencil - whether this is a worthwhile way to spend time for us remains to be seen. he's also had a ball running around with other kids his age who are homeschooled also, and i'm so looking forward to being more involved in this group next year. jesse won't be in preschool, and chad's not taking classes in the fall - probably - so hopefully that means a bit more relaxed family time.

"there are few experiences as depressing as that anxious barren state known as writers block, where you sit staring at your blank page like a cadaver, feeling your mind congeal, feeling your talent run down your leg and into your sock. or you look at the notes you've scribbled recently on yellow legal pads or index cards, and they look like something richard speck jotted down the other night. and at the same time, as it turns out, you happen to know that your closest writing friend is on a roll, has been turning out stories and screenplays and children's books and even most of a novel like he or she is some crazy pot-holder factory, pot holders pouring out the windows because there is simply not enough room inside for such glorious productivity."
- anne lamott.